I Matter

I have always been that person that says "everything happens for a reason" and although I believed it, every time I said it, I feel like it was personally punching me in the face this year.

2015 has taught me lessons that I never wanted to learn, brought me pain I never thought I would get over and shown me sides of myself I never knew existed.

I opened my heart to people and situations, with a very protective bubble, and discovered the only way to really experience life is to remove that bubble and just let things happen.  There is no guarantee or promise that it will all work out, so call me risk taker because I flew by the seat of my pants all year.  My walls weren't just let down they were completely broken.  I trusted in a way that was reckless, guess what I got in return; the same - I received the same in return.  I am not going to lie to any of you and say that this equaled a fairy tale ending, it didn't.  It did, however, show me that you will never find out if something is your fairy tale if you do not give it 100% from the get go.  This, by far, was the hardest lesson of my life, so far, but I am determined to see the positive in all of it.  Isn't that how we get our closure on anything?

Pain is no where close to a strong enough word to describe the emotions I absorbed this year.  Opening yourself up to love, life and living doesn't always turn into the happy moments/results.  However, closing yourself off to all of it guarantees you will never know - good or bad.  Why not jump in head first?  I know you are dying to know the results of doing just that.  This is what I know.  Had I not jumped in head first I never would of found out who my best friend is, I never would of felt an unconditional love, I never would of found myself sacrificing my own happiness for someone else and I would of never had my heart completely broken.  Don't be sad in that moment because the best part was realizing as much as it hurt, it didn't kill me.

Learning new things out about myself is something I find odd at my age.  Not only odd, but not all things are easy to accept.  I, for years, allowed others to dictate what I did and did not do.  Those of you that know me find this just as crazy as I do.  I can no longer blame others for things I did or did not do.  I allowed this to happen to me - no one else is to blame.  What ends up happening to me is that no one takes my feelings into consideration because I am the "strong one", they ol' don't worry Yvonne will be fine.  I know it is hard to believe but I have a heart and feelings too.  I can be hurt, I can be sad and I am a new pro at crying.  Let me be clear and say I am not upset that i went through those things, I'm upset that the people that I thought me best are the very same people that disregarding my heart in the first place.

I have made many decisions this year but the biggest; I am me - take me as I am or please just walk away because I will no longer sacrifice my person for you.  I matter.

Without Him

Who knew that opening the mail could be so sad?  I wasn't walking with blinders on, but this felt like the biggest hit to the heart.  I never would of done this for anyone else, ever.  It was a true sign of what it all meant.  I feel like all my innocence is gone.  Any wide eyed hope of the forever demolished in one blow.  I can't believe I let my heart change my mind so many times.  Why wasn't I happy with my space, alone?  I wasn't looking.  I had easily shied away from advances in the past.  I just couldn't walk away from this one.
I am not sure what hurts more - the feeling of not being someones everything or being told you are when you aren't.  When you share everything you are with someone only to find you will never be enough.  He was the last one I ever thought would hurt me to this degree, in this way, this deep, this forever.

I have been trying to find the lesson in all of this and I just don't see one, well, not a positive one.  Should I never trust again?  My walls are up  and they are thicker than before.  Is there a way to dig out of this low place?  I feel the love and support of my friends and family, but nothing eases the pain.  I can't even imagine letting someone know me like that again.  Just as he knows me better than anyone, I know him better than anyone and did what was right at the time.  I could no longer live in the unbalanced relationship.  Truth is I was his forever, he just wasn't mine.  You have to be willing to give as much as you get to exchange forever. You have to trust in what is, not what can be.

This is the first time I have been able to write since the incident.  I still feel numb, like I am walking through the clouds alone - unsure of anything.  Didn't he know how much I loved him?  Obviously not or I would not be here right now living life all wrong - without him.

Shelf Life

Well - my light bulb finally shined bright enough for me to see the whole picture.  I was highly disappointed in what I saw and felt, however once you see it for yourself it is much easier to make the healthier decision.  No one else can make you see it through their eyes and we certainly do not learn our lessons through others experiences.  I constantly told myself not to allow others to be in a place that made me seem like an idiot, but I did that pretty well on my own.  I do not think that I was pretending but I surely was not living in reality.

I scarified more than I ever received credit for.  I was more patient than any woman would EVER be.  I was a better friend than they deserved.  I was more honest than any person could strive to be.  With all of that I was also more vulnerable than I have ever been.  I fear that is what led me to where I am today.  Don't worry - I refuse to let this situation change who I am.  When I give - I give completely, when I love - I love fiercely, so this is just a set back in my life.

I could let this be a lame excuse to close off but the love I have been shown these past two days has kept my heart open.  This time it was not just my loving zumba family, but many friends that reached out and shared their vision of me.  I can't explain how much words can save a person from falling.  A wonderful connection of mine told me that I just don't see what others see when they get to know me and look at me.  They were able to put it into words that made me feel their virtual hug and warm my heart.

So I have taken my heart off of the shelf for now, but I am open to whatever comes my way.

I'm Learning

Is there some sort of class I missed on how to handle adulthood?  Sitting in this meeting today I felt like there was something he knew and I didn't.  Like I missed the joke or was unsure of the conversation content.  The look in his eyes wasn't lust or want - it was more curiosity or something...something I missed completely.

I agreed to this meeting at first because it was a connection that pointed him to me.  Out of respect and honest curiosity I thought it only fair to entertain the conversation.  I arrived and he was waiting outside for me.  We exchanged an awkward "do we hug or do we shake hands" moment and from that laugh the ice was broken.

It has been many years since someone has shown such interest in my background and knowledge.  Not only did he seem interested but he understood what it took to have the knowledge base I have.  He also knew what an asset my knowledge was to his team.  He quizzed me on tax, small business and HR.  I felt like the most intelligent person, especially by his responses.  There is something to be said for someone not only appreciating your background but being impressed by it.

So - although I was just as impressed by him as he was me I do not think this will be a fit for my family.  I love my job now.  I love what I do and who I do it for.  I struggle with green team members but have learned to let them learn in their way.  I will forever have the challenge of my expectations of others as I take any failure as a team failure.  I will do what is asked of me, be grateful for a job I love and utilize the time I have outside my job to follow my passion...writing.

12 Hours

No one can do it for me...I know.  I took a minute, which turned into more like 12 hours, to really think about all that is going on in my life right now.  I feel like I give and give and perhaps it isn't seen that way. My problem is I worry about what others think.  In my 12 hours of thought I realized those very people don't worry about me in their equation, so why am I making an already challenging life more difficult?  The answer became so easy it was scary.

Although I cannot go back and change anything I can do what I believe is right in every situation.  The only people I need to take into consideration are in my every day life or under my roof.  My happiness does matter, not just to me but to those around me.

This last week my children experienced what two people in love are like - how they share, communicate and care for each other.  They saw their mother laugh and smile because the man in her life is her best friend.  They felt comfortable enough to include themselves in the transition and share themselves with us.  They felt seen, heard and happy.

I can honestly say that I was not sure how this life would go, but I learned through my children's eyes.  I may of chosen him but they have welcomed him.  It is with a happy heart that I close tonight knowing I am in love with my best friend and will spend every day being grateful for just that.

Scattered

My vision is completely blurred - I can't see in front of me or behind me.  I strongly dislike when I let myself get here.  I have planned so carefully, done all the right things and yet I am still the one getting the push back and pain.  It's as if they can't even see what I have done for them in the past few years.  Not only did I hear all they had to say, I acted on it and protected them from as much as I could.  I was patient, through all of it, I was supportive, loving and available.  What part of that was wrong?  Should I of set a limit on what I would do for them?  I can't.  That would mean not being me.  What do they want?  expect?  I am at a complete loss.  I am unable to even form sentences with any real meaning.  I, of all people, can't explain how I am feeling right now.  I don't understand it enough to know how to fix it either.

Mid-blogging I get a messages out of the blue from a male best friend of mine just reminding me that he loves me.  I asked him how he knew I needed that and he said he just had a gut feeling.  That is a friend.  He has absolutely no idea what I am going through today but once he knew I needed him - he stayed.  A friend with a true understanding of friendship.

That is the answer for today.  I am not blocking anyone out anymore.  If there are people that want to be part of my life and are a positive source then damn it - they can be.

My Birthday

It never fails that I am sick on my birthday.  This year it is just the sniffles; I can totally handle that.  I've been preparing myself for this time of year - the holidays - and it seems I have failed miserably.

It always starts with my birthday.  I think my kids hold in their fighting as well as they can all year, saving it up for the week of my birthday.  They can't even walk by each other without saying some snide remark to each other.  I know, I know...siblings do that, but there is a dramatic difference this time of year.

This is my first birthday since the divorce.  Although I have the most amazing man in my life I have this horrible, lonely feeling.  The weather right now is not helping either.  It is 37 degrees out, you guessed it, perfect cuddle weather.  Sadly I lay in my bed typing this with my 12 year old daughters dog under the blankets with me.

I decided to focus on the positive, not because I thought of it, but because my loving boyfriend told me that was what I needed to do.  Tomorrow, my birthday, I will work, however I will start my day with my zumba family.  We will dance joyously and then share a wonderful breakfast together.  The only thing that makes it better?  Mimosas, yes plural.  I will get through my work day - these are the days I am so thankful that I love my job.  Then tomorrow night - hockey with my girlfriend.  We planned this a while back and I am really looking forward to it.  Just describing that makes me feel silly for feeling low.

Saturday I have a couple of appointments and then my children and I are going to check out the new movie theater in town.  I am sure we will catch some dinner and who knows what else.  Sunday we will spend at home.  My moms birthday was two weeks ago and I was sick so I plan to cook her dinner and, of course, watch football.  Overall - a pretty nice weekend.

I wish...with all my heart that I was going to spend my birthday weekend with my boyfriend.  He truly makes me enjoy ever moment.  Instead I will be mindful of what we have, share every second we can and look forward to the birthdays we will have together in the future.  I waited 40 years to find this man - I can wait a while longer for my big picture to be reality.

Let it go...

There is a space in my heart that was empty for a long time.  This area was reserved for a best friend, a person that I had no question would do anything for me as I did for them.  For years I rented the space to a person I was very close to, a person I called my best friend.  Over those many years I was told many negative things about my best friend, asked many times how I could trust her and even found things out on my own that should of drove me away.  I thought I was taking the high road by practicing what I preach and forming my own opinion of her.  During the years that we were best friends I lost many friends not allowing myself to believe she could of been lying to me so dramatically and for so long.  There was even a time that her own sibling warned me off of her.  Still - I made the decision to be there for her.  

I have let that relationship go.  I was hurt directly for the final time a few years (to the day) ago.  Now that I look back I would of fixed the relationship again had I not called my old therapist.  He has the greatest way of telling me indirectly and allowing me to feel I am coming up with the resolution myself.  Although I felt like I had a whole in my heart for a very long time - in the long run I have found there is so much less drama in my life.  As an adult I allowed my best friend to put me in situations that were very dangerous, and as an adult I blame me for that, not her.  I was perfectly capable of saying no, leaving, making another choice, whatever.  I am tremendously grateful that we were never caused any negative actions in those experiences.

Many people that knew us as best friends have asked me if I think we will ever make up.  The answer, for me, is easy - no.  No, I do not want to bring that type of negativity back into my life.  I also don't want to rehash all the things she did, it doesn't fix anything.  When you find a person that knows exactly what to say to each individual in their life it is because they have rehearsed it.  They have convinced themselves that they are that person, even when they are not.  That type of person will also never find happiness because they don't allow themselves to be who they are.  They act the part associated with the person in front of them. For that I feel sorry for her - it must be exhausting and empty to be an actress every day, all day.  

I will forever love the friendship I thought we had.  That best friend area of my heart has been filled with the most amazing friendship I have ever experienced; a give and take, honest, sincere, loving, caring relationship that is far from anything I ever thought was possible.

Do You Regret?

Do you regret?  I have been asked that many times in the past couple of years and I never had an answer. Inside I knew I did not regret but was unable to explain what it is I do feel.  I would look at my children and know that without them I would be a lost soul - they are my heart, my soul, my life.  I look in the mirror and I see a woman that was strong enough to say her happiness mattered.  I took control of my life and gave myself permission to live.

So - no I do not regret.  I may feel disappointment for many things.  I can promise you that I learned from each disappointment.  I may feel sorrow but that sorrow is no longer for myself.  I may be dissatisfied with where I am in certain areas of my life, but giving up is no longer an option.  I may experience discomfort in certain situations due to some of my decisions, but I own each and every choice.  The biggest is worry - I tend to worry about those I may of effected while coming to my resolve and I am working on that.

I am under no delusion that life will now be this 100% happy place.  I am, however, promised another day every time I wake up and all I can is my best each and every day.  Like any human I can have brief moments with lapse of good judgment; I take those moments as time to think, re-evaluate and sometimes to just refocus.  If we don't give ourselves these instants to learn how will we ever grow into the person we love when we gaze upon them in the mirror?

My best friend reminds me every day what he sees when he looks at me.  I know I will never see what he sees but I am willing to try every day for the rest of my life.

What If?

I knew he was coming to the funeral and found myself very nervous about the reunion.  It was already problematic that my best friends ex husband was going to be there.  I was certain that I could handle the situation and would do so graceful simply due to the occasion in which we were all attending.  We all became close friends in high school, some of us kept in touch, others did not.  Our friend deserved our support after losing his mother.  I had some wonderful memories of his parents; after hearing of his mothers passing I knew I would find a way to be there.

This day was bound to be full of drama; pushing forward was the only option.  The closer we got to the gathering the more nervous I felt.  I would be fine once I got past the initial hello and scanned the room for others I may know.  I stuck close to my best friend and just smiled back at people.  I even stole a few moments with my dear friends father.  Other than my own uncles I am positive that he is the only other man to call me princess.

I made the mistake of keeping my phone on me and as "he" got closer he was texting me.  The build up of anxiety was deep.  The last time I saw him I think I was pregnant with my oldest son and that was in Target. He has a wife and family, I have a husband and family - this can only go one of two ways - we no longer enjoy a friendship or we rekindle our friendship.

They arrived and his wife walked him in to meet everyone.  I felt her eyes on me, so I smiled and introduced myself.  She didn't even try to crack a smile.  I kept it short and moved on so others could step in and meet her as well - looking at my best friend the whole time.  Just as quickly as she came in, she left to take their children somewhere.  "He" was left there to mingle with group.

Even in the movies it seems like that man has not aged and the woman has.  I felt as if that was the case here. I felt he had not changed and I knew I had.  The history of our friendship is what I would call the most outrageous roller coaster.  No matter what we had always been there for each other.  Wait!  That just reminded me that I saw him after my oldest son was born because I gave him a car so he could get back and forth to see his kids at a time when he and his wife were separated.  That very well may of been the last time I saw him before now.

I found myself trying not to meet his gaze the entire afternoon.  I was comfortable in the memory of what we were and the choices we made to end up where we were today.  We took shots as a group in the kitchen, we took pictures, we laughed, we reminisced - it was beautiful.  After handling much unneeded drama from a few of our group we all took some time to just sit and chill outside together.  It was then when he caught my gaze; I could see how happy he was to see me.

This single event began a series of events that led to some questionable decisions in my life.  You know that desire to know "what if"?  The years of building up what it would be like to be with that person?  The insanity of thinking we may of gotten it wrong?  Did I?

My Man

Sitting in my room alone today I found myself with visions of him.  I know he is the one I always needed, I have no doubt.  I tried to write down all of the ways I would describe him to others and clearly there isn't anything negative about having this man in my life.

Strong - Many people see this word as meaning physical strength.  Although he is a very hunky, strong man that is not why I use this word for him.  He has an inner strength that exceeds anyone I have ever met.  His strength runs deep.  Whether he is protecting himself, his family or his love - he is the strongest man I have ever known.

Positive - You know how you always have those people in your life that see the good in everyone?  He goes above and beyond that.  He believes in others, he sees the good in all and he believes in honest intent.  He simply shines his light on things and shows me the good in it.

Caring - Everyone has those people they care about, but this man opens his heart in a way that is rare.  He puts most people before even himself.  He has made many decisions in his life that were purely for others gain, not his own.  He also gives the most meaningful hugs I have ever felt.

Intelligent - I love to listen to him talk.  Now don't get me wrong, I listen, but I honestly do not think it would matter what he was saying.  He makes me see things differently.  He educates himself in the things that effect him - his job, music, weather, spiritual lessons, etc and he excels in all areas due to his mind and how it retains what he needs.

Honest - I have been told the majority of my adult life that I am brutally honest.  I have never taken that as a compliment until I met him.  He is honest is the most sincere manner.  He, unlike me, is more careful about what he says, but he always means what he says.  He will not lie to you for his own gain.  It is like he is speaking directly to my heart.  The best thing?  He isn't afraid to tell me NO or that he thinks I may be wrong, etc.  Anyone that knows me knows that I don't take that well, yet this man can say it in a way that does not bother me - not to mention I listen to his side and take it all into consideration.  His honesty has made me more open.

Handsome - His eyes paralyze me.  I could literally look at him all day, not just because of how he is looking at me but because I truly find him to be the most attractive man.  There is no standing or sitting next to him without touching him.

Loving - Many people would put this in the same category with caring, I disagree, it is totally different.  When I hurt, he hurts.  He allows me to be me, completely.  He has taken the time to get to know who I am better than I even know myself.  He holds my hand through every day and is always there to catch me should I start to fall.  His love is my shield.

Protective - This man would literally take a bullet for me.  He guards not just my body, but my heart like it is his own.  He sees it as his job to take care of me in all the ways a man should and even in ways most men don't.  I feel safe with him - like he would never let anything happen to me.

Adventurous - I have not decided how much detail I should give on this one; I will say this - I have never craved a man more in my life.  Not just sexually (although that is VERY true), I crave his voice, his hand in mine...  He is willing to explore the world with me in a way I have never had the pleasure to enjoy.  No matter what I want to do or try he will listen, give his two cents and try with me.

Trusting - Throughout my almost 42 years I have had many friends, but I have never trusting anyone the way I trust him.  I have told him more about me than anyone, ever.  Not only does he listen, but he hears me and retains the information.  He does not judge me for my past, present or future.  I know that my heart is in good hands with him.  I trust him with my entire self.

Spiritual - We both want to explore more of our spiritual side and he allows me this freedom.  I have spent many years hiding what I feel to make those around me comfortable.  With him I can explore who I am, what I feel, what that means and what that means for us.  We can read the same book and discuss it.  He can calm me like no one ever could.  I feel him.

A Great Father - For all of the reasons above he is clearly an amazing father.  He gives 100% to all of his children.  He loves them unconditionally.  He treats them with respect and gives them room to be their own person.  Even with my children he gives love in a way that feels comfortable and safe.  Being open with them and sharing himself.

Everything I ever wanted or needed in a man is inside of him.  He has shown me things that I did not even know I was looking for.  He is everything to me.  I wake up to his love and I go to sleep with his love.  It feels wild and sometimes even lusty; yet I have never been more sure of anything in my life.  I want to run instead of walk, I want to sing instead of hum, I want to laugh instead of just smile all because this man fills my heart with so much joy, love and happiness.

Meeting Henry

I remember meeting him and feeling rude because I did not realize he went to the same school as we did.  He introduced himself and laughed as his little sister jumped on me.  My girlfriend and I had been babysitting his siblings as well as another families children.  It was my friend, Patricia's, job - I just came along to keep her company.

His name was Henry, he was in the same grade as Patricia and I.  I didn't recall ever seeing him around school.  We were all juniors in high school and he obviously did not run in the same circle as we did.  I am sure that sounds just as stuck up now as it was back then.  He hung out with us for a while and then took his siblings home.  I didn't think anything of the encounter.

The next week at school I noticed him in the halls and returned the hello he gave me.  My friends and I were pretty wrapped up in our own worlds, not paying attention to much else.

The next weekend Patricia was unable to babysit for Henry's sisters so she asked me if I could do it.  I, liking money, said it wasn't a problem.  I enjoyed the little monsters and we had a good evening.  At the end of the night Henry came home from work and that was the end of my babysitting shift.  He went into his room, changed his clothes and then sat down on the couch.  We made small talk and when I said it was time for me to go he asked if I would like to go out with him sometime.  This is where I am sure I will make myself sound horrible, but the truth was promised.  I sat there for a minute, almost shocked that he asked me out.  I was shocked because our circles were very different.  My circle was more of the popular group and his was the newspaper staff, smart kids.  Realizing that I had not answered I quickly agreed, gathered my things and left.

Heading home I was consumed with thoughts about my friends and what they may think of this "date".  What had I gotten myself into?

Half a Heart

I am overwhelmed with emotions today.  I have the strongest desire to reach out and strangle a man that had no effect on my world until he hurt one of the most amazing women I know.  My bestie is quite possibly the most level headed, strong, loving and beautiful human beings I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.

We met as small children, I honestly don't know how young I was but it was before I even began kindergarten.  We are six years apart, so as children that seemed like a million years.  As adults it means nothing.  I can thank Facebook for bringing her back into my life.  When we reunited it was a quick transition back into the best friendship.  We were both in similar places in our lives and found it easy to share with each other.  I can honestly say there have been many times in the past few years where I would of felt completely alone had she not been in my life.

As new single women we found ourselves traveling the same road and feeling just as sure and ify about it.  I can tell this woman anything and not feel judged, not because she has been there or done that but simply because she cares about my happiness.  There has never been a stronger, more dedicated supporter of me. She often gives me the strength to follow through with decisions I feel alone in making.

A man stole her heart at a time in her life when she was open to the experience.  It was a scary, difficult road to take, but she jumped in with the promise they had.  She clearly had a profound love for this man and honestly I felt he had the same for her.  They both made some big decision and moves to be together.

My bestie and I took our girl trip this year without our men.  This was not what we wanted to do, but how it turned out all the same.  During the week we were gone there must of been some interaction between her man and his ex.  When we returned he was a totally different man.  The way he spoke to her, lack of interaction and just odd behavior.  My amazing friend could see right through this behavior.  Unable to get him to communicate in an adult manner, she sat back and gave him space.  Why?  Because she is that loving, respectful person I described earlier.

Long story short - this man (which is a very nice description) was still unable to release her with words.  He simply could not fess up to his actions in her absence.  Why would you maintain this relationship for almost 2 years, move out on your own, take trips with her and introduce her to your child and meet her family if you were not going to give 100% to make it work?  Now all of these people are involved, children are involved - what type of man does that?

Listen...I am aware that I am protective of her due to our friendship, but any man with half a heart and some balls would of handled this differently.  Just as you have expectations, we have the simple expectation that you can handle yourself in an adult manner.  My biggest regret is not seeing through you earlier to keep my friends heart out of your hands.

My Story

I suddenly understand why individuals take time off when they decide to write a book.  You know - shut out the world and just concentrate on their writing.  I have had all of this information in my head for years but somehow writing about it makes it all real again.  It feels almost like reliving it all.  The emotional toll it is taking on me was completely unexpected.

You know what is crazier?  The detail that comes back to you.  The clothes we wore, the mood in the room, the feeling inside, the smells around you - I had no idea I had such a complete memory of my past.  I truly thought that I had blocked it out.  The more I write the more I remember; the more I feel.

Many people have told me this will be great therapy.  I agree - I just have to convince myself I can do this; let myself feel all of these emotions that I was so happy to leave behind.

I know I have mentioned before that no one knows all of the truth about my past.  I hid it for many reasons, the most important being that I did not want anyone to hate the father of my child - more directly - I didn't want my child to hate his father.  Now that my son is an adult I feel as if I can express these events.  I find myself carefully wording things to protect others in my book; don't worry - it will be edited many times before it is completed and every time I remember more.  I have decided the only way to do this is 100%, therefore I am going to share all, even if that means embarrassing myself.  The reality is - these things happened to me, I made these choices and it is my story to tell.

It was Henry

The alarm was screaming at her to get up, every nine minutes for the past 36 minutes.  She had stayed on the phone with Robert well into the morning hours - not just to feel safe but because they enjoyed each other so much.  He had the softest voice that calmed her.  She was certain that he did not grasp how severe the situation was yet he was willing to do whatever he could to soothe her.

Yesterday had been a rough day.  She had found a new daycare for her son and he started there today.  The place came highly recommended and with the help of the police department she was able to keep this information away from her sons father, Henry.  Finding a daycare was hard enough and she had additional conditions; including she started work at 5 am.

Determined to get through the day she dove into work immediately.  At 5:10 am her phone rang, like it did every morning.  Robert began work at their California facility at 5 am also.  She picked up and could hear something wrong in his voice.  He asked her "have you checked your voicemails yet this morning"?  She has reports that have to be done first thing in the morning and had not checked her messages.  Her stomach was already turning in anticipation of "why" she needed to check her messages.  Robert took a big breath "Babe - Henry left me twelve voicemails last night.  Each message is stronger and more threatening.  I have to report this to our security and they will take action from there.  Please check your messages and do the same.  Call me right back".  She still had the phone to her ear, trying to digest what was happening.  She had one voicemail from Henry and all it said was "see you soon".  She personally felt it was a threat, but no one else would see it that way.  She called Robert back; as they were talking her other line rang - it was Henry.

I Am The Answer

It is so easy to fall back into old habits.  I am learning that I have real triggers that push me back to who I was "with him".  I find myself not liking who I see in the mirror, giving up on my healthy road and filling myself with self doubt.

Anyone that knows me will realize how odd this is for me.  I have allowed myself to love me again, I have no issue staying on my strict, healthy road and I am a pretty confident person.  My lonely struggle to make everything right for my children has hit me hard in the past month.  Add to that the news of my mothers poor health and I am immediately on overload.

You know what wall I continue to run into?  It is the wall of me refusing to ask for help when I need it.  It's as if I do not realize I require the help until I have fallen so deep, I become lost.  I become so focused on making sure no one sees my pain that I convince myself it isn't happening.

I am going to ask a favor from my readers.  If you see a change in my writing or notice a negative tone - call me out on it.  Send me a message, comment on a blog, whatever - just don't let me sink back down into a pit of UGH.

I deserve to work on me.  I am entitled to happiness.  I can live a life that is free of fixing him and concentrates on me.  I am not responsible for him.  I am responsible for me.  I am my children's teacher.  I am the answer.

For Reals This Time

What a change a day makes...

I woke up this morning with the same damn headache I have had for the past week or so.  I knew I had to find a resolution for my children when I am on vacation, Mondays are always a busy work day and I wanted to shut my phone off.

The morning started perfectly; I wish I could start every morning the way today began.  I got up, got myself ready for zumba and work.  As I drove to work I was racking my brain for options for the kids.  I landed at work and got as much done as I could before heading to zumba.  Zumba - I really feel like the time I spend at zumba should be considered a support group.  When I let my Divas know what was going on they were all so supportive.  Some of them were offering their time, some were offering ideas and others simply gave me the positive.  9 am hits and we are off and dancing; this has got to be the best feeling in the world.  No matter what is going on, when that zumba music starts my body says "ok" and goes.  Sadly, 10 am comes to soon and zumba has concluded for the day.  On our way out I get more positive, supportive words from my crew.

Back to work I go in what I thought was a much better mood.  Yes, I said "I thought".  As I drove between stores I began to cry.  While I was at zumba I could not stop my brain from spinning and I could feel my blood pressure rising.  Unfortunately, I get a horrible pain in my left arm when my blood pressure rises, so I am completely aware when it is happening.  I continue my drive wondering what is wrong with me that I am crying, alone in my car.  Just then - my phone rings.  I look down and see "Steve Zumba" on my screen.  It was like my zumba friends could feel my need.  Well, it was nothing that profound, he just saw me pass him on the road and decided to reach out.  It was the perfect moment to rescue me from my own thoughts.

I am still searching my brain for solutions for my kids.  I get to my 2nd work stop and I am greeted by the most amazing women.  I knew long ago that I worked with some of the best people and friends ever.  The owners of the company I work for have cultivated such a family atmosphere that some of us actually function like family.  I give my two family members the short version of my ordeal.  I asked one of them if she could help and guess what happened?  Between these two beautiful, loving and caring women they are going to take turns being at my home with my children.  I have never felt so grateful in a single moment ever.  Not because I get to go on my vacation but because I have family that stepped up, in a manner that made me feel like they offered, not me asking.  An enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders, head and life.

I decided that I would go to therapy alone today, instead of taking my daughter with me.  I had so many things to discuss that I have not exposed my children to yet.  The whole, dad isn't going to help with his own kids when I'm gone and the health of my mother.  I filled my therapist head with the whole of what I was looking at.  I have never met a person, who is not my friend, that understands me the way she does.  I was allowed to bleed out all of the issues.  Leaving therapy I realized that my headache that I've had for so many days was weakening.  My eyes were no longer crying for my sun glasses.  Best of all - I was in a much better mood, for reals this time.

Lacking Trust

I may of convinced myself not to rely on or trust anyone, anymore.  Don't believe me, just watch...

I divorced a man after 15 years of marriage.  I did not divorce this man because I did not love him, I divorced him because he did not love anyone, including himself.  He was a my way or the highway sort of person. Not because he was controlling, but because he is always right.  He was stuck in a world that only made sense to him.  He had "logic" to back up anything and everything.  Another persons opinion was wrong.  I believe that negates the who purpose of having an opinion.

I prolonged my separation from this man because he was so ill.  A treat of suicide was enough for me to put aside all else and find him some help.  He, of course, thinks that was the wrong thing for me to do as well.  However, he is now alive and on medication that helps him deal with his day to day struggle.

This man put my children through emotions that no child should feel from a parent.  The feeling of being worthless, unloved, stupid, etc.  He resorted to name calling and raising a fist to his early teenage son.  Hear me when I say - he did not do these things because my son was doing something horrible, failing or even getting into trouble.  He did it all simply because HE was right and wanted that validation from his children also.  Who tears down a child to build themself up?

Regardless of all of this (and I realize this is the short version) I still pushed for my children to give their father his parenting time; to go to his house every other weekend.  I noticed early on that my children pushed back on these visitation weekends.  I could not make them understand the importance of this relationship with their father.  I decided I needed help and took my children to therapy.   Do you know what I learned?  I learned that he does not know his children.  He thinks they are to young to have independent thoughts.  He thinks I sit at home and posion the "dad" pot.  My children are angry.  It gets better - do you know why they are angry? Because I taught my children that they are always allowed to speak their minds.  That does not mean they can argue, it means they are allowed to say their peace.  I also taught my children that parents aren't always right.  I have, many times, had to go back and apologize to my children for one thing or another. Between those two life lessons my children had built a wall of hate towards their father.  One day he just shut them down.  They were not worthy.  I can't fix that for them or for him.

I recently arranged for their father to stay with them when I went on a girls vacation with friends.  I could of asked any of their friends, their grandparents, whomever but I thought maybe under the safety of their own roof he could have some solid, positive interaction with them.  Guess what?  He canceled that today.  His reason?  The kids are mean to him.  When will he be the adult?

My conclusion - he prefers to be alone.  He does not have to like anyone, interact with anyone or be an adult.  What he does not realize is that he just gave up having relationships with all three of this children; now and when they are adults.

Read My Week (weak)

I literally can't form a single thought to focus my writing today.  You really could read that two different

ways, so let me explain.  I have had so much go on this week that I can't narrow down my brain to one single subject.

My normal, drama free zone (work) - was not that this week.  Although it is my personal challenge to expect less from people; I can sometimes build up a hope.  I may not even be aware of the hope until it is completely destroyed.  I am allowing myself some time to explore this weeks happenings so I can let go of the hurt, disappointment and sadness.

My children, my happiness - over all had a good week.  Two of my three have colds this weekend.  I had worked out with their dad for them to go to his house this weekend on Saturday night.  My teen son had plans and couldn't do it and my youngest, daughter, ended up with a horrible head cold.  Even without those things there were bitching all week about having to go.  I am so drained from being the middle man between them and their father.  From him I don't see enough effort and from them I don't see the acknowledgment when he does make effort.  I understand both sides and I try so hard to push them towards their father, but at some point it is going to be up to all of them to bridge the gap.

Best part of this week is I am getting to spend some time with a couple girlfriends that I completely trust.  I don't have to watch what I say or how I say it.  It is an open arena to be me, be free and be accepted. Exactly what I needed at the end of this week.

The two things I am not going to talk about today are my parents and my love life.  These are the things that weigh the heaviest on me right now.  I am going through every emotion you can think of and I just can't put it all into words yet.  I can say this...I love my parents and I have truly felt loved this week.

One last thing - I have been asked a few times about my blog and where I get my material.  For the new reader it may seem that I jump all over the place, but that is exactly what this forum is for me.  I have written for years so I have poems, short stories, songs, recipes, etc that I have wanted to share.  I am writing a book and I sometimes insert blubs from it to see if there is any interest.  I also just go with my gut sometimes and write what is highest on my list of thoughts for the week.  There are times when I start writing about one things and it turns into something completely different than I originally had planned.  I am a person and I have a lot to share.  I truly hope that something I have written about catches you and keeps you coming back to read more.  Those of you that have reached out to me in one fashion or another - thank you.  It means more to me than I could ever express.

Why?

He married her for her independence.  He loved that she was with him because she chose to be, not because she needed someone to take care of her or her son.  She had a good job, a new car and a place to live. Somehow her love for him and her decision to be with him made him stronger, more secure in who he was.  

They shared many things in common; the most profound being the burns they both acquired during their childhood.  No one can understand the torment a child goes through when they are different.  They bonded over these memories.

Their families were so different.  His seemed close but so surface.  Hers was close and shared all family events together.  His family was "ignore it and it will go away", her view was "lets handle this now".  He was incredibly calm, almost emotionless.  She was spicy and full of spunk.  

Oddly, this all came together for them.  He adopted the things he loved about her and she pushed for him to be closer with his family and hers.  He became more social.  True - she made the friends and her enjoyed them (well, most of them), but it all fell together so nicely.  

Funny how she can remember all the beginnings; but not where it went wrong.  To pin point a moment, an event or even a why...seemed impossible.  

Tyove

The feeling was new.  So new that describing it was difficult.  Strength did not carry the whole emotion, loved did not express the depth and safe was an extreme understatement.

Strength described only the actual act of being strong.  Did it clearly define how powerful, tough and indestructible it was?

Loved was to small to carry the weight of it.  It may express desire, affection and even fondness but did it have a heavy enough meaning?

Safe was the over all security of it.  The freedom of danger, risk and even injury.

None of these things precisely clarified the all embracing feel.  Had they stumbled into something so fresh, new and special that it could only be defined with their word?  Tyove.

Lets call him D

I have legally been divorced since August 12, 2015, I have three children, a full time job and a life of my own.  For a very brief amount of time I thought I would date.  I felt like everyone found out I was single and, as I said to my friend, someone must of put an ad in the paper that said I was single and clearly included my phone number.

During this period of time I spoke with a man that was 9 years older than me and seemed like a decent human being.  I had no attraction or even desire to date him, but I did not mind the idea of meeting new people.  When I was out with a female friend of mine we invited, lets call him D, D to meet up with us.  This single event should of been enough for me to know he was not capable of being a friend in my life.  He could not find us and began to text very nasty words and even used profanity.  Eventually he did find us.  He hung out for a while and then we all went our separate ways.  Neither myself or my girlfriend thought much of him. Here is the kicker; he sent me a text saying hanging with me gave him a "chubby", who speaks like that at our age?

Several times since then he has asked to meet up and clearly has no concept of a single mothers life.  Today was my limit.  He asked if he could come over and watch football with me.  I, of course, said no because I am not bringing anyone I don't know and/or trust around my children.  I did say that I was willing to go on a walk, as I was planning to do so anyway.  Our schedules for the day did not line up and I, again, was this horrible woman that broke a date.  What?  I accepted no such date, I gave no intention of wanting a date, I have zero desire to date him and he is a pushy ass.  Yes, I did tell him I thought he was a pushy ass.  What did he say?  He said that I had let another good man slip through my fingers and I no longer had to worry about his pushy ass.  Was that suppose to punish me?

I am trying so hard not to let this experience keep me from meeting new people.  I still am not available to date, yet I love meeting new people.  I have found some amazing people out there and am truly grateful for that.  It is moments like this that make me want to stay home every night.  I won't allow that overwhelming emotion to rule how I move forward.

Thank You Kelly B.

Taking back my life is a process.  I am saying that out loud for my own purposes.  I have to remind myself that it can't all happen over night.  It feels like I find out something new about myself every day.  A very special person in my life, Kelly, dedicated "Fight Song" to me a couple of months back.  Since that day I have listened to the song every day before I go to bed.

That small expression of support has held me up, moved me forward and kept me strong.  During a divorce you learn so much about yourself and the people that share your life.  I have lost friends, strenghtened friendships and found support in unexpected places.  I was so busy the past several years trying to prove I'm alright that I lost track of who I was and who I surrounded myself with.  This facade I created gave the outward appearance that I was always strong, independent and OK.  I wasn't.

When I married my husband it was forever.  The fact that I am the one that filed for divorce did not mean that it was easy for me.  It meant that I was finally pushed to far.  I would of stayed in my marriage forever had two things not happened.  First, my 10 year old daughter was cooking dinner with me one night and asked me "Mom - if I was with a boy that treated me the way Dad treats you would you want me to stay with him"?  Although I did not have the ability to answer her in that moment; it really made me think.  What was I teaching my daughter?  The second thing was the actions being taken against my children.  There was a point in time when I couldn't leave the house without getting a phone call from my children.  The dark negativity shadow was taking over my entire home and hurting my children.

It was those two details that shocked me back into reality and made me realize that I needed to protect my children...I still had a lot of fight left in me and I would use it all to keep them safe, healthy and happy.

To Life Coach or Not?

A while back I was working with a life coach.  Prior to meeting my life coach I thought it was a waste of time, waste of money and basicially a bunch of bull.  The life coach I met changed my view.  What he pointed out to me was that I juggling more responsibilities, pain and negative relationships than one would ever wish on their worst enemy.

I have heard this a few different ways in my lifetime but let me run them by you:

-  Do you have any relationships that continue simply because you reach out to them?

-  Have you found yourself excluding other friends for the happiness of another?

-  Do you have a person in your life that seem to always complain?

-  Do you have a person that is a "one upper"?

-  Do you have a person that immediately points out the negative in any situation?

-  Do you have a person that makes everything a competition?

-  Do you have a person that lies to make themself look better?

-  Do you have a person that doesn't support you in your life?

Really think about each of these things.  What I learned during the process with my life coach was heart breaking.  The two most negative people in my life were my best friend and my husband (now ex's).  As I dug into things deeper with my best friend I found out more and more that I did not know.  I reached a point of no return; a place and time that I knew I could never look at her the same or trust her again.      

As for my husband - I tried, tried and then tried some more.  I discovered the reason I felt the way I did about myself was directly related to how I was being treated.  I knew that was not the person I married and made every attempt, numerous times to explain it to him.  There were even times I thought he heard me.  In the end I realized that the love that I had for him was not enough to make him love himself.  In the end it was more about him wanting to be right then wanting us to be happy.

With the two most negative influences on my life gone I have made some incredible strides to better my life.  I have found joy in the people I surround myself with.  I have dove head first into a job I love.  I have devoted even more time to my children.  I have learned to take care of myself, by myself.  I have created stronger bonds with each of my children.  I have learned to love not only others, but myself too.  I am in control of my life and I love it.

I found it!

I have been very careful not to give to much information about my personal life on my blog for several reasons.  The number one reason was me trying to be respectful to those that were offended or less than supportive of my writing in the first place.  I don't think I need to do that anymore.  It is my life, my blog and my choice to express myself in the fashion I prefer.

It has been years since I really let myself sink into writing.  I never had the support to allow myself the time to write.  That was the nice way to say it. I really felt that those who should be my biggest fans were the ones totally against me writing.  As I sit here now and think about why that may of been - I clearly do not understand.  Wouldn't all of us support a friend, family member or spouse in anything that they felt so strongly about?  

I never claimed to be good at writing; but it often served as my therapy.  There are things that have happened in my life that my parents still do not know, my brother and sister do not know.  I held onto these things for way to long.  The first person I ever allowed into that part of my brain at all completely let me down.  He didn't understand it, care to hear it and certainly never supported my writing outlet.  That led to my emotional prision.  I have never let anyone that close again, until now.

I have found something that I didn't know existed.  I found a person that supports me in all I do and want to do, lets me be exactly who I am, loves me for who I am and is, indeed, my biggest fan and best friend.  I often talk about bottling what we have because I do not think the majority of the world even knows this type of relationship is possible.  Having someone that knows me better than I know myself.  Although I haven't shared everything yet, I know I can and I know that I will be heard.

You know that person that knows exactly when to respond, when not to respond and exactly what you need in that moment?  I have it.  I found it.  That person that will work through everything because you are just as important to them as they are to you.  That individual that doesn't let you shut down when that is all you want to do.  That support that lets you lean on them even in their weakest moment.  That heart that completes yours.  That soul that you never want to be without again.    

I am positive that you will learn more about this person and our connection throughout my upcoming blog installments.  Please be open to what it is - we all deserve it.

Vague

I strongly dislike when I have to much time to sit and think.  Yes, I am an over thinker.  Usually I can avoid it because I am simply to busy.  This weekend I decided that I needed to just give myself some time to work on myself.  It was a long, emotional week and I just needed to reset.  

I go on vacation in 18 days.  This vacation has been planned for a year, even so, it has changed quite drastically and that put me in an insecure head space.  For those of you that know me - I rarely am in that frame of mind and it bothers me when I am.  I have some very real decisions to make and I am not sure I can do it.  

A very good friend of mine reminded me today how much they care about me.  The way he expresses himself to me is profoundly different than any man that I have ever met.  He is able to tell me how he feels in real words; words that make me listen.  Granted he does not know my entire situation - he so easily finds the words to make me feel important and heard.  

I sat on these words for a while today, just trying to decide how I feel.  I can honestly say that I am no clearer now than I was two days ago.  I do, however, feel like I have seen some realities.  I do not like all of these realities, but I see them.  The positive that I see?  I am a good mother.  I am a good friend.  I deserve to be happy.  I can love and be loved. 

The next few weeks will be filled with difficult decisions, but I truly believe it will all work out.  

Note:  I am completely aware that this has been a pretty vague blog for me.  I promise the picture will come clear to all of you as I go through it and share.

     

Separate

She was looking right at him but didn't recognize him.  What she saw was anger, hurt, fear and what seemed like hatred.  Was it going to be like that forever?  Would there be a time when he could look in the mirror and admit all of the realities?  It was more important to her that he forgave himself, not her.  He carries so many of their failures as his own and measures his own self worth on those failures instead of the many, many successes.  Was that the answer?  Is he upset with himself and it was coming across as hatred for her?  She spent much of her time trying to understand, in hopes that she could help his recovery and encourage his forward movement.

Her friends voices are loud in her head.  He needs to go through it his way.  She knew they understood that when you are someones wife, lover and best friend for so many years it is profoundly difficult to let go of the desire to help them.  For her, there will never be hatred.  He created and participated in some of the most important days of her life up to now.  She is walking away grateful, strong and complete; with the extreme desire to be his friend again - some day.  

The Struggle

Have you ever sat down and wondered exactly what a word really means?  I firmly believe if we did so we would speak in a different manner than we currently do.  I have been using the word struggle, struggling to define what I am currently going through; is it the right word?  Am I making a violent effort to get free?  Am I really being held in this place?  Am I fighting for the result I desire?

The answer is NO to all of the above.  In fact, I am doing the exact opposite of struggling; I have been giving in.  Giving in to others, giving in on what was suppose to be a compromise, even giving in by taking on 100% of the blame.  That is not who I am.  I am a fighter; a strong, independent woman that makes every decision for the betterment of her family.

I am not struggling.  I am advancing in a manner that supports my future and my childrens future.  I am making daily decisions that will create a positive result for my family.  I am not giving in or giving up.  I am simply picking my battles to show my children how difficult times can make us all stronger human beings.  I find struggling to be negative, as if you could lose.  I can't lose here - my children are a constant reminder that I have won.

Boundaries

Every time I think that I have it all figured out it seems that something happens to convince me otherwise.  My biggest issue?  Boundaries.  I truly need to practice what I preach on this one and perhaps even read the book again for the 5th or 6th time.

Although I don't worry what others think, anymore, I do worry about how things look to me.  Prime example this last weekend.  I know that my ex sees me as the enemy and doesn't realize half of the things I have done to help him with his relationship with his children.  I know he is positive that I feed my children their emotions.  Oh, how wrong he is.

This last week was my ex's birthday.  I, alone, took him to dinner on Thursday night after our sons football game.  He, of course, wanted our children for his birthday weekend, neither wanted to go.  My daughter, who is struggling through therapy, gave into going, however our son did not.  This is where my boundary issue came in.  I am completely aware that I do not have to do anything for him, as I am no longer his wife.  Yet, all I could imagine was him sitting alone in his house on his birthday.  My anxiety went through the roof.  Not because of my vision of his weekend but because I couldn't allow it to be like that.  So, I did it.  I invited him over to watch football, I cooked him dinner, got a cake and even got gifts from the kids to him.  Someone, very nicely pointed out, that he would never do that for me.  I don't care.  I have to do what I feel is right.  How do I balance that with the boundaries I need to maintain my sanity?  I don't have the answer, yet, but I'm working on it...

Guilt

I may of pushed forward through some of those emotions consuming my thoughts yesterday.  Guilt is a very difficult emotion.  For me it has really made me take a look at the full picture.  I have guilt for keeping my children in an unhealthy environment for so long.  I have guilt for not being good enough for him to want to make the changes.  I have guilt about the difference between my relationship with my childrens vs. his relationship with them.

When my 10 year old daughter asked me one day "Mom, if I was with a guy that treated me the way dad treats you, would you want me to stay with him?" I felt like I had been hit by a truck.  What was I teaching my daughter?  What kind of example of "love" was I teaching my children?  I starting working on a plan that day.

I played the negative moments, days, feelings, words over and over in my head.  It reminded me of Pretty Woman when she said "the bad things are easier to believe".  Had I really allowed someone to make me feel so badly about myself.  Isn't this person suppose to do exactly the opposite for me?  Is it so hard to reassure me that my heart is your home?

I know all of my childrens friends, their teachers, the school administrators and most of the parents that go along with the kids.  I know my sons girlfriend, I even know enough about her to form my opinion and I like her.  I know and orgainize all of my children outside interests and support their dreams.  I never miss a game, a meeting, a graduation or anything.  I have put the time into my children because I appreciate the give and take.  The relationship I have with them makes all of us stronger.

Guilt won't win, but it sure tries.  I am lucky enough to have the most wonderful partner walking through life with me.  Someone that has the perfect amount of love, support, friendship, care and can listen and offer kind words.  Best of all?  The love we share is unconditional.

How?

I absolutely refuse to believe this is the same man.  How can someone that shared so much of themselves completely cut everyone out and feel fine about it?  Who are they lying to? Themselves or us?

For many years it was a scare tactic.  Maybe if he feared losing me then he would fix the issues or at least work on them.  If he feared losing his children then maybe he would work harder on being involved and present.  Graduation was a hard day. So many parents exchanged words, hugs and laughter with me and did not even know the man sitting behind me was the other parent.

A penny for my thoughts he said.....he doesn't want to know what I am thinking anymore.  I have lost all positive feeling when it comes to him.  I have fought for him on all sides.  No one knows the things he has done because honestly, if the negativity would have stayed clear of my children then I would of stayed forever.

Words escape me.  I'm working on it.

Stay Calm

Her eyes opened slowly.  It was Saturday, which would usually be worth a smile on its own.  Today, however, was a day she never imagined happening.  She often heard people using the phrase "worst day ever" and wondered if today was that day for her.  

They had been putting off working on this for weeks.  Someone was to busy, the weather was bad, someone sick, whatever.  Today is the day.  There is no putting it off any longer.  

Needing coffee was an understatement.  Sleep escaped her last night.  How was he going to handle it? Would they agree?  Would they argue?  Would she break?  Was all of her work enough to pease him? Does he even realize this is difficult on her also?  Regardless, it would not be a fun meeting.  If they could just agree on the details to move things forward.  

As the meeting time came closer anxiety was building inside of her.  How to stay calm?  He would read her weakness immeditately when he saw her.  How could she stand in front of him and seem strong and harmless at once?  

She heard the door.  Her heart felt like it was going to pound out of her chest.  Her breathing changed, her head filled with worry and fear.  It was time...

Nightmares

Throughout my adulthood I have struggled with remembering my dreams.  Oddly, it only bothers me when they are more of a nightmare.  I will remember enough to know that I am upset, sad, angry, whatever but not any true detail.  I have tried all types of dream remembering methods, it just has not worked for me.  I bet you are wondering why it matters.  Let me tell you why:

When I have a nightmare I will wake up feeling however that dream made me feel.  I will even feel anger towards anyone that may of hurt me in the dream.  I can't figure out why and I have a really tough time shaking the emotion part of it.

Last night was one of those nights.  Believe it or not, I actually remember parts of the dream.  I woke up feeling hurt, sad, betrayed even.  I have spent the better part of today trying to "get over it".  In this case I am completely aware of what the dream was about and understand it is not true, yet I am unable to squash these downer emotions.

What I don't believe...is that there is something true to the dream, that I am insecure about this specific relationship or that I am scared when it comes to this relationship.  What triggers these type of dreams?  Is it simply the unknown?  Maybe I'm onto something here.  I am, after all, a control freak.  Perhaps those things out of my control or even out of my vision are weighing on me?  I'm feeling this idea.  It makes sense in my head at least.

What to do now?  I am aready feeling better.  Is understanding why I have these dreams half the battle?  Because I am already thinking more positively about the whole thing.  Here I thought there was some deep emotional issue.  I guess I am not as complex as I thought...

The Answer

I admit, I thought doing everything on my own would be more difficult.  My children reminded me that even before the change I did everything I'm doing now; cooking dinner, taking kids to school, going to games, getting them hair cuts, homework, grocery shopping, working a full time job, etc.  So, what was I afraid of? 

The answer:  being and feeling alone. 

From the moment I made the decision to make a change my friends have rallied beside me.  From check in text to not letting me hide out, they have made sure that I knew I am loved and certainly not alone. 

You see....I am not that girl that needs everyone to agree with what I'm doing.   They don't live in my home, they do not sleep in my bed and they surely don't pay my bills.  I take ownership of my choices.  I can support those decisions when my children ask me.  I regret nothing.

I go home after work to my three children that get along better than they have in months, that laugh together and tell each other they love the other (yes, out loud). 

Don't get me wrong...my children are feeling the effects from this change but they have built stronger relationships with each other through it all. 

The best part?  I get even more one on one time with each of them.  I cherish every moments.  I may squirm a little because all three of my kids tell me EVERYTHING, but I wouldn't give it up for anything.

Strength

Strength comes in many ways.  I always thought being hard and strong was the best way to show my strength and protect myself.  What I have now learned is that appearing to be the strong one leads to others being unaware or unconcerned about my feelings. 

I have a heart and feelings that are just as important and just as sensitive as others.  I may not break down and cry, I may not beg to get my way, but I will feel it. 

I try, really try not to react off of emotion; but my version of strength often creates a build up inside of me that explodes once I can't take anymore.

My new approach?  Sharing how I feel earlier.  I am positive that most that know me understand that no one likes it when I have time to stew.  I don't like it either.

My best friend has shown me what good communication brings.  That level of comfort is something I desire in all aspects of my life.

Strength doesn't mean taking everything on alone.  Sometimes it takes more strength to ask for help......

It Still Hurts

I think it is very hard lesson for all to learn:

Just because we initiate the change does not mean it was easier for us. 

There is so much behind those final decisions.  Who does it effect?  What is healthier for all parties? Can we live with the decision?

I have been blessed with support from all areas in my life.  I have wonderful friends (believe me, you find out who your friends are), amazing children  (they can think for themselves), strong family, an unmatched support group (my zumba family) and the most caring, loving and supportive best friend.

I don't always feel strong, but there is always one of these people there to remind me that I can do this. 

I refuse to be the victim.  I made these decisions and I made them for good reasons.  Every day may be hard, but I know it will get easier.  Why?  Because I am moving forward now, not back.  Now that is the most intelligent plan I could ever make.