Something Right

I have been questioning may things for the past couple of weeks:

Are they going to like the new house?
Will they be OK here?
Will they prefer to be with their dad?
Am I doing the right thing?
Will they be happy?
Will it all come together?
Can I do this?

And the list goes on and on.  It only took minutes when they got home from their four week adventure in California to answer most of my questions, all positive results.  There are times when I feel like my 10 year old daughter is wiser than I am.  How does that happen?  She uses the most adult vision and mature language to express how she is feeling.  She is also very careful to protect her brother when doing so.

My oldest son really is the best brother my younger kids could ever have.  He literally lives his life around where they are in their lives.  It was hard for him, with this separation, because he did not want to hurt me or his dad.  He did not want to say NO to living with either of us.  He sat down with me and had some ideas of where he was going to live, on his own, but his biggest concern?  Making sure he lived close enough to the high school that his brother could walk to his house.  Now, that is extreme sibling love.  This is the same child that decided not to go away to college because he did not want to leave his baby sister.  He was so afraid he would miss out on things in their lives.  Don't get me wrong, my kids fight and argue, they are siblings, but moments like these make me feel like I definitely did something right.

Then there is my lovely teenage boy.  I really worried the most about him.  He has had the most difficult relationship with their dad.  I don't want him to give up on their relationship or write his dad off.  He came home with a better attitude as well.  He is overly protective of me, but I think them seeing what I accomplished in their absence really made him realize that I am OK.  It is time for him and his dad to work on their relationship, outside of me.

There have been many great memories in this new house already.  Listening to my kids talk and laugh in the kitchen, seeing them help each other complete their rooms, all of us sitting in my bedroom just talking, cooking our first dinner here, baking our celebration cake and the laughter, oh I love the laughter.  My baby girl said it best today, "I already feel like we are all happier Mom".  I did something right.

New Path

This month has been long, productive, scary and difficult.  Walking away from something I once believed in may of been the hardest thing I have done in my life.  Being away from my kids for so long has been the worst part of all of this.  It was the right thing to do though.  This would of been much harder to do with them here.

In these last 3 - 4 weeks I have moved out of my marital home, found a new home for me and my children, prepared the new home for all of us, stepped up at work to be where I need to be financially and was totally honest with myself for the first time in years.

I sit in my new home and it feels like home.  It is comfortable, big enough that we are not all on top of each other, small enough that I don't feel overwhelmed with cleaning it and the neighborhood is so peaceful.  I absolutely can't wait for the kids to see it.  I have sent pictures with every change I have made, but I really think they are going to love the place.  My oldest son has been very helpful and I am so pleased that he has decided to stay living with me and his younger siblings, for now.

I could not of done any of this without my best friend.  He is the most amazing support.  You know, that best friend that doesn't let you pull any BS.  I need that in my life.  He makes me feel stronger than I thought possible.  He believes in me and I am forever grateful for him.

I'm looking forward to this new chapter in my life.  Surrounding my children with love, support and positivity is our new path.

No Tomorrow

Only bringing each other pain and sorrow is the reason why there isn't going to be a tomorrow.  I had accepted that this was my doing, my decision, even my fault.  Then I was slapped in the face with the reality of why I felt the way I did.  I knew I should of trusted my instincts.  How many years have I wasted trying to make it work when he had already decided I wasn't enough?  Feeling like an idiot is not even close to how I am feeling.

I can't promise I won't cry about this anymore.  I can't even promise that I will get over it.  I will, however, walk away and never look back.  A friend reminded me today that I am a scorpio.  Perhaps it is time to go back to those simple rules.  The difference?  I have an amazing support group.  I may have to lean on them more than anyone is use to, but I do have the luxury of having them.

I do not feel strong today.  I feel like I have been hit by a truck.  My mind is full of memories that seem untrue.  My heart is full of pain caused by the lies.  This is what creates those unhealthy walls people walk around with.  I will not let this break me, nor will it effect how I live moving forward.  I have found my reason to let go.  After talking with my kids, I can't find a reason to hang on.

Telesis

Telesis.  Do you remember this word?  It was in a major commercial years ago.  I remember thinking it was a very odd commercial.  I can't even remember what the commercial was for or about.  What I do know is that Telesis means "progress intelligently planned", per that commerical.  Don't worry, I have a point.

I need to know what the opposite of telesis is.  I am making tremendous progress, however I have no plan and certainly not an intelligent one.  I'm thinking that this is normal.  Who plans to suddenly become single at 40?  Not me.  For years I told my mom that I would never get married.  I already had a son, at 18, and in my head it worked like this......when is is 18, I am 36......SCORE!  My exact words to my mom was "marriage is death".  Looking back, how rude was I?  My parents are still married, ugh.

When I did decide to get married I fully intended for it to be forever.  I would not of said yes had I thought any differently.  I had been proposed to twice before and knew it was not "the one".  Clearly something went wrong.

A couple of months ago my 10 year old daughter asked me if I would want her to stay in a relationship like my marriage.  I am always honest with my children, I honestly said no.  She was right.  I don't want to be that example to my daughter.  She deserves a better role model.

Without any intelligent plan, I decided that it was time to do what makes me happy.  Every day is a struggle. Every night is long.  Yet by the end of this I want to be able to say I thought it all through and made positive progress.  That is all the telesis I need.

I remember.......

I remember what I was wearing and what he was wearing when it happened.  The moment was electric, like nothing I have ever experienced before in my life.  No words were exchanged, just a long stare the expressed more than words could possibly.  The passion, the desire, the love......all so incredibly overwhelming.  Overwhelming in the most positive way.  

Passion was something that I had put aside, really feeling that it was something I would never experience again.  I had talked to many friends that had convinced me that it was completely normal to lose that in a marriage.  In their opinion it was not for lack of passion, it was simply something that no longer fit into family life.  Although I had accepted it as gone, I in no way believed it was the way things "should be" or that it was "normal".  

Desire comes in many forms.  I can close my eyes and imagine how desire use to feel from inside of me and coming from another to me.  This tells me that at some point in time the desire was strong, almost unstoppable.  I refuse to think that this is another emotional need that simply disappears over time.  

Love is an emotion that consumes you in most amazing way.  Passion and desire is wrapped up into love.  That being said, how can passion and desire go away if there is still love.  My conclusion?  Relationships are work.  Lets all stop making up excuses as to why these things are gone and put the work in.  Isn't the object of your live worth it?

Courage is what I have found in myself when exploring these feelings.  It is necessary to give 100% to every relationship, as long as you remember the following:  

If your relationship scale is heavy to one side, maybe it isn't the right relationship.  You are worth feeling those positively overwhelming emotions. 

Tunnel Vision

Have you ever felt like the dark tunnel has no end?  It has been years since I entered this tunnel of the unknown.  I was totally unprepared for the amount of ups/downs and twist and turns this tunnel contained.  The most recent fork in the road has led me into a new direction, still unknown, but I swear I can see the light.  I am moving forward, yet it seems like the light is the same distance away as it was yesterday.

If you didn't know this about me already, I do not have the best grasp on patience.  I'm more of a "lets make this happen" kind of girl.  I'm also a decision maker.  I don't like to sit on the unknown and hope the arrow points me in the right direction.  I gather the information I need and boom - ready to make a decison.  I will be the first to tell you that I don't always make the most popular decision, but I do make the most positive one.

Maybe that is the light I see.....positivity.  I know I feel it - in the changes I have made, in the people I am surrounded by, in my job and with my children.  So, no matter how dark this tunnel may seem I will continue to push foward.  Not only because I want to get to the light, but because I want to share in the light.

Romance

I didn't think it was a romance until now.  I knew there was chemistry, love and a strong connection; this just seems to good to be true.   You know what they say about things that seem to good to be true?....... whoever "they" are, were wrong.   

This connection is not without its challenges, yet for some reason we both seem willing to take each challenge on, together.  Never has another person made me feel so empowered, like I have a support group of one, "the one".

The best part?  We teach each other things and the other is totally game to try and to learn.  A man that says "I can work on that", who knew?

I literally feel myself thinking those cheesy lines "you complete me" when we are together.   How incredibly lucky am I that some crazy woman, or women, didn't treat him the way he deserved or love him the way I do?  Counting my blessings is an understatement.

Why do I think this is romance now?   Because neither of us were looking for each other.   We meet people everyday and I remember the day I met him.  I remember thinking "what a teddy bear", the first time we met.  The second time we met I somehow found a way to spend extra time with him,  watching fire works.  It was years before we began to really talk and somehow he became that person I could trust with anything and everything.   He never judged me,  he never mistreated me and most important (to me) he never hit on me.  

I'm positive that I have loved this man far longer than I have said or admitted.  It is a very special romance when your best friend becomes your lover and never neglects their best friend duties. 

Struggling

Struggling is the best word to describe what I am going through right now.  I am working so hard to do what works for others, being that I am the one being blamed for all of these changes.  I just want it to go as smoothly as possible.  Watching others hurt is seriously the hardest thing.  I just want to make the pain go away.

Don't mistake my smile for "everything is great".  I am just trying to get through this without falling apart.  Even with the tremendous support I know I have, the days are still lonely and the nights are even worse.

On the positive, with a little help from my friends, I have almost all of the heavy furniture intot he new house.  It felt good when a few of my friends dropped into the new place today and it was so comfortable.  There are several rooms in the house that feel so homey and relaxing.  I can't wait to cook my kids dinner in the new place.

Regardless of the failures, I am determined to turn this around for all of us.

Accomplished

Today would have been so much better had I had someone to share it with.  It felt very lonely to move things alone, into an empty house.  I took pictures as I put things into the house to send to the kids. The good news is they are excited.  I have moments of excitement, but mostly moments of pride.  Being the strong, independent woman sometimes leaves you lonely because everyone expects that you will be fine.  I could
use a hug.

Tomorrow is a new day and I have a good friend coming to help me move heavier things.  I hope to slowly get this moving process completed so there is less to do when the kids get home at the end of the month.  I feel so lucky to of found the home we are moving into.  The owner of the home seems very easy to deal with and incredibly nice.

I absolutely can't wait to see the kids faces when they walk into our new home.  I hope it satisfies them.  I long for big smiles and easy transition, another reason I want to have so much done when they return.

Rocking it alone is difficult, however I feel accomplished and strong.  I hope my children see me that way too.

Positive Steps

I didn't want to get up this morning.  I finally slept and it felt amazing.  Although I would of preferred to sleep in when I heard my alarm clock, I got up.  There was much to be done today.  I got myself ready and headed into work.  I got involved and when I looked up it was time to go to zumba.  Those of you that know me know that zumba is a very important part of my day.  I am pretty sure it is important to everyone around me also.

Zumba was with an instructor that is not at the top of my list.  I have resigned myself to the fact that she is a fill in for our Super Zumba Instructor, Dianne, and I just needed to suck it up and dance.  So, that is exactly what I did.  I had hundreds of things rushing through my head during zumba.  I did not get any of it figured out, but zumba flew by.

After zumba I made a call to a house I wanted to view.  My mom was nice enough to come with me.  I warned her that I was moody.  I really was just read to cry for anything today.  One thing at a time, that is all I kept telling myself.  The first place we looked at made me feel like the walls were closing in on me, however it had an amazing back yard.  The second house we looked at grabbed me from the outside and sold me on the inside.  It was everything I wanted, plus.  The neighborhood is incredible and the yard was big enough to use but not so big that I could not keep it up myself.

After working things out with my significant other I let the landlord of the second house know that we wanted the house.  He was just as excited as me.  Thank goodness for some celebration, I needed that.  One positive step forward.

I think that this step made everything real.  This is actually happening to me, my husband and I are separated. I don't believe I ever thought it would get here.  I was positive, even four years ago, that he would love me enough to change and rejoin our family.  There are just some things that have happened now that he can never take back and I don't know that I will ever forget.  I forgive him and I even forgive myself, but it is time for us both to be happy.  I see great friendship with him in my future.  I pray that is true.

Clueless or A Bitch?

I think perhaps I have become a better listener as an adult.  Either that or no one ever told me the things I am currently learning about myself.  Let me begin by saying that I am eternally grateful for the friends I have in my life right now.  My close circle does not consist of anyone I thought would be there for me, besides my mom - she is always in my circle.  Oddly this group seems to know me better, care more about me and is not afraid to tell me what they are thinking, good or bad.  I appreciate that, more than anyone could imagine.

A very special friend of mine, Jessie, had a very candid conversation with me yesterday.  It made me think, made me feel good and saddened me all at the same time.  This amazing friend, who I know is reading this, has always been the little angel on my shoulder.  I have tried my best to do the opposite for her.  I was talking to her about the wonderful man I have in my life currently.  I sent her a picture and she reacted by saying that he reminded her of JM, a guy we went to high school with.

JM and I found each other via Facebook a year or more ago.  We got along like we had never stopped communicating.  For me, JM was that guy in high school that I liked but didn't think he was serious enough to have a relationship.  For him, I was the one that got away.  I questioned him during these reunion conversations about how I never knew how he felt about me.  I can appreciate that he had very stand up reasons for not expressing his feelings to me.

Jessie said my current man has a kind face.  She is so right.  He is probably the kindest, most loving and caring man I have ever met.  When she said he reminded her of JM I told her about the most recent communication I had with JM.  To my surprise she said "I knew that, when JM and I use to hang out (in high school) he use to talk about how he felt about you".  Going through my head was "am I that clueless or was I just a bitch"?  At that time in my life I had a steady boyfriend and apparently closed my eyes to all else.

Jessie has a natural gift, she is able to tell me things I may not want to hear in a way that I totally accept as fact.  I trust her.  Last night she told me that it takes a strong man to be with me.  I think it has to do with my independent ways and self confidence.  Jessie tells me that a man lacking self confidence may begin to see themselves in comparison to me instead of in partnership with me.  Did she really just wrap up my past ?relationships in one sentence?  I think so.

As I write and fade to sleep tonight I will be giving our conversation much thought.

Hard Day

Even the most difficult of days can have a silver lining......

When I opened my eyes this morning, after very little sleep, I remembered the rumblings of the prior evening.  I took a deep breathe, sat up in my bed and said to myself "you can do this".  Although this may have been enough to get me going I also picked up my phone.  I had a text message from Nancy, my get me going zumba girlfriend, and my best friend reminding me that I am loved and missed.  Terrific start to my morning.

After dedicating a couple hours to work in the a.m., it was time for zumba.  Zumba is one of the most fabulous parts of my week.  I dance all the negative ju ju and unhealthly vibes away.  By the end of zumba class today I had a handful of not so fabulous texts.  Finding them to be mean, rude and unhealthy - I did not respond.  That may of been a mistake as the individual continued to use even stronger language toward me.  I finally respond just letting the person know that I had just gotten out of class.

I spent my drive back to the office thinking about how to respond to this person.  I came to the conclusion that I needed to do what I have always done, tell the truth.  After a conversation with my best friend I decided to do just that.  Although the truth was hard, it was the right thing to do for all parties involved.  Most importantly my children will know that in all of this, I was honest and did what was healthy for them.

Words Hurt

Words hurt.  There is a difference between being strong and being heartless.  No matter how many walls we may put up it does not defend against words, why is that?  Perhaps it has more to do with the individual that is speaking the words and their intent with those words.  I know that people say things out of anger, I just think they everyone should think before they speak.  Once those words come out of your mouth there is no taking them back.  Most times words are so much stronger than actions or lack of action.

After giving much thought to how some negative words have made me feel I have decided to receive the words differently.  I have no control over other people, how they act, what they say and how they conduct themselves.  What I do control is how I receive the negative words and if I let them effect me.  I know I need to receive the words in order to deal with specific situations, however I no longer have to allow those words to change how I view myself.

A great example happened this week.  In the heat of mean, negative words I was told that I must be having a midlife crisis to be living my life the way I currently am.  I listened to these words and really gave them so thought.  I'm 40 years old and I feel better than I have in many, many years.  I never worry about what others think of me, I like who I see in the mirror and I take better care of myself.  Honestly, I am finally being true to who I am.  A wonderful friend said something that really helped.  She said I wasn't having a midlife crisis, I was having a midlife realization, that life was not a dress rehearsal.  She is right.  I made a decision the day my doctor told me that I was HIGH RISK diabetic; I was living life, not just walking through it.  I deserve to be happy and my children deserve a mother that is healthy.

If caring about myself, my kids and my life is a midlife crisis then I am thankful to being having it early enough in my life that I still have time to enjoy the new outlook.  I am not sorry that I am taking the time to be a little selfish and work on me.  I want my children to see that it is never to late to change negative behavior in anyones life.  Life is what you make it.  I will no longer sit back and wait for happiness to come to me, I am the creator of my own happiness.

Singing and Dancing

Today was one of those days that I just wanted to scream (good things) from the roof tops.  That feeling you get when something so exciting happens.  That uncontrollable urge to just dance and sing?  Maybe that part is just me.  It is just my luck that I am not at a place where I can share all of this wonderful news, but I assure you - I really, really want to tell the world.

I did manage to celebrate in my own way.  I bought my team some ice cream, then decided to get my kids and my mother in law and went to the pool for some sun.  As if I was not happy enough, I got to lay in the sun.  That activity happens to be in my top 10 things to do duing the summer (are you dying to know the other 9?).  Then I went home, cooked dinner and had a couple drinks with my mother in law.  Nothing better than a couple pina coladas on a hot day.

So now I sit, wide awake, positive that I should go to sleep.  Who needs sleep when we are this dang happy?  I'm going to convince my brain that I can indeed sleep and in that sleep I will be singing and dancing because life has proven me right again........positivity breeds more positivity.

Situations

I suppose there are many times when I could of handled things much better.  I never like to stew, no one likes it when I stew.  I despise not handling a problem immediately.  I regret when I over analyze.  Yet, I find the worst reaction to be when I view all things with the same attitude.

With multiple "situations" going on in my personal life right now I have come to conclusion that I was not necessarily overwhelmed as I was overloaded.  Yes, there is a difference.  I can recognize overwhelmed much easier and take things one at a time.  Being overloaded made me anxious, worried and even a bit paranoid - in all "situations".

So, this is what I decided......

I wrote down all of the things going on right now in my life.  I literally tore apart each "situation" to gauge if there was any issue, problem, etc.  What I found was that I was approaching each "situation" with the same defensive attitude.  This could have been a massive blunder on my part.  I could have broken things that did not need fixing.

I have a person in my life that helps me live the positive, loving life that I desire.  Not only do they contribute to my daily life, but they allow me to be who I am and better yet, they like who that person is.  They support every thing about me and even keep my vision clear when I feel lost.  I am forever grateful, deeply blessed and extremely happy.

Geography and Timing

I truly felt like I was in a movie, a romantic comedy with a happy ending.  You know, when you find that person that you want to do everything with?  The person that you can sit with in totall silence and be totally content.  The individual that supports you in everything you do, even when you don't think you can do it. The friend that shows you love even when you may deserve less from them in that moment.  The one that allows you to be the strong indedependent person and appreciates that about you.  The lover that loves you just as much as you love them and isn't afraid to show it.

I feel like the children in Mary Poppins........I put out an advertisement for the perfect partner and suddently he appeared in my life.  The only difference?  I did not put out an advertisement and I didn't even know I was looking.  Don't get me wrong, I knew there were things that I was lacking, but I never imagined there could be a perfect piece of the puzzle to my life.

I thought about sitting down and putting a pro/con list together, however the only cons I could ever come up with were things like geography and timing.  His actual person does not lack anything I desire.  Quite the opposite actually.  His person is exactly what I desire.

I'm holding on tight, with both hands, waiting for the timing and geography to line up.