Let it go...

There is a space in my heart that was empty for a long time.  This area was reserved for a best friend, a person that I had no question would do anything for me as I did for them.  For years I rented the space to a person I was very close to, a person I called my best friend.  Over those many years I was told many negative things about my best friend, asked many times how I could trust her and even found things out on my own that should of drove me away.  I thought I was taking the high road by practicing what I preach and forming my own opinion of her.  During the years that we were best friends I lost many friends not allowing myself to believe she could of been lying to me so dramatically and for so long.  There was even a time that her own sibling warned me off of her.  Still - I made the decision to be there for her.  

I have let that relationship go.  I was hurt directly for the final time a few years (to the day) ago.  Now that I look back I would of fixed the relationship again had I not called my old therapist.  He has the greatest way of telling me indirectly and allowing me to feel I am coming up with the resolution myself.  Although I felt like I had a whole in my heart for a very long time - in the long run I have found there is so much less drama in my life.  As an adult I allowed my best friend to put me in situations that were very dangerous, and as an adult I blame me for that, not her.  I was perfectly capable of saying no, leaving, making another choice, whatever.  I am tremendously grateful that we were never caused any negative actions in those experiences.

Many people that knew us as best friends have asked me if I think we will ever make up.  The answer, for me, is easy - no.  No, I do not want to bring that type of negativity back into my life.  I also don't want to rehash all the things she did, it doesn't fix anything.  When you find a person that knows exactly what to say to each individual in their life it is because they have rehearsed it.  They have convinced themselves that they are that person, even when they are not.  That type of person will also never find happiness because they don't allow themselves to be who they are.  They act the part associated with the person in front of them. For that I feel sorry for her - it must be exhausting and empty to be an actress every day, all day.  

I will forever love the friendship I thought we had.  That best friend area of my heart has been filled with the most amazing friendship I have ever experienced; a give and take, honest, sincere, loving, caring relationship that is far from anything I ever thought was possible.