Without Him

Who knew that opening the mail could be so sad?  I wasn't walking with blinders on, but this felt like the biggest hit to the heart.  I never would of done this for anyone else, ever.  It was a true sign of what it all meant.  I feel like all my innocence is gone.  Any wide eyed hope of the forever demolished in one blow.  I can't believe I let my heart change my mind so many times.  Why wasn't I happy with my space, alone?  I wasn't looking.  I had easily shied away from advances in the past.  I just couldn't walk away from this one.
I am not sure what hurts more - the feeling of not being someones everything or being told you are when you aren't.  When you share everything you are with someone only to find you will never be enough.  He was the last one I ever thought would hurt me to this degree, in this way, this deep, this forever.

I have been trying to find the lesson in all of this and I just don't see one, well, not a positive one.  Should I never trust again?  My walls are up  and they are thicker than before.  Is there a way to dig out of this low place?  I feel the love and support of my friends and family, but nothing eases the pain.  I can't even imagine letting someone know me like that again.  Just as he knows me better than anyone, I know him better than anyone and did what was right at the time.  I could no longer live in the unbalanced relationship.  Truth is I was his forever, he just wasn't mine.  You have to be willing to give as much as you get to exchange forever. You have to trust in what is, not what can be.

This is the first time I have been able to write since the incident.  I still feel numb, like I am walking through the clouds alone - unsure of anything.  Didn't he know how much I loved him?  Obviously not or I would not be here right now living life all wrong - without him.