Guilt

I may of pushed forward through some of those emotions consuming my thoughts yesterday.  Guilt is a very difficult emotion.  For me it has really made me take a look at the full picture.  I have guilt for keeping my children in an unhealthy environment for so long.  I have guilt for not being good enough for him to want to make the changes.  I have guilt about the difference between my relationship with my childrens vs. his relationship with them.

When my 10 year old daughter asked me one day "Mom, if I was with a guy that treated me the way dad treats you, would you want me to stay with him?" I felt like I had been hit by a truck.  What was I teaching my daughter?  What kind of example of "love" was I teaching my children?  I starting working on a plan that day.

I played the negative moments, days, feelings, words over and over in my head.  It reminded me of Pretty Woman when she said "the bad things are easier to believe".  Had I really allowed someone to make me feel so badly about myself.  Isn't this person suppose to do exactly the opposite for me?  Is it so hard to reassure me that my heart is your home?

I know all of my childrens friends, their teachers, the school administrators and most of the parents that go along with the kids.  I know my sons girlfriend, I even know enough about her to form my opinion and I like her.  I know and orgainize all of my children outside interests and support their dreams.  I never miss a game, a meeting, a graduation or anything.  I have put the time into my children because I appreciate the give and take.  The relationship I have with them makes all of us stronger.

Guilt won't win, but it sure tries.  I am lucky enough to have the most wonderful partner walking through life with me.  Someone that has the perfect amount of love, support, friendship, care and can listen and offer kind words.  Best of all?  The love we share is unconditional.

How?

I absolutely refuse to believe this is the same man.  How can someone that shared so much of themselves completely cut everyone out and feel fine about it?  Who are they lying to? Themselves or us?

For many years it was a scare tactic.  Maybe if he feared losing me then he would fix the issues or at least work on them.  If he feared losing his children then maybe he would work harder on being involved and present.  Graduation was a hard day. So many parents exchanged words, hugs and laughter with me and did not even know the man sitting behind me was the other parent.

A penny for my thoughts he said.....he doesn't want to know what I am thinking anymore.  I have lost all positive feeling when it comes to him.  I have fought for him on all sides.  No one knows the things he has done because honestly, if the negativity would have stayed clear of my children then I would of stayed forever.

Words escape me.  I'm working on it.