What If?

I knew he was coming to the funeral and found myself very nervous about the reunion.  It was already problematic that my best friends ex husband was going to be there.  I was certain that I could handle the situation and would do so graceful simply due to the occasion in which we were all attending.  We all became close friends in high school, some of us kept in touch, others did not.  Our friend deserved our support after losing his mother.  I had some wonderful memories of his parents; after hearing of his mothers passing I knew I would find a way to be there.

This day was bound to be full of drama; pushing forward was the only option.  The closer we got to the gathering the more nervous I felt.  I would be fine once I got past the initial hello and scanned the room for others I may know.  I stuck close to my best friend and just smiled back at people.  I even stole a few moments with my dear friends father.  Other than my own uncles I am positive that he is the only other man to call me princess.

I made the mistake of keeping my phone on me and as "he" got closer he was texting me.  The build up of anxiety was deep.  The last time I saw him I think I was pregnant with my oldest son and that was in Target. He has a wife and family, I have a husband and family - this can only go one of two ways - we no longer enjoy a friendship or we rekindle our friendship.

They arrived and his wife walked him in to meet everyone.  I felt her eyes on me, so I smiled and introduced myself.  She didn't even try to crack a smile.  I kept it short and moved on so others could step in and meet her as well - looking at my best friend the whole time.  Just as quickly as she came in, she left to take their children somewhere.  "He" was left there to mingle with group.

Even in the movies it seems like that man has not aged and the woman has.  I felt as if that was the case here. I felt he had not changed and I knew I had.  The history of our friendship is what I would call the most outrageous roller coaster.  No matter what we had always been there for each other.  Wait!  That just reminded me that I saw him after my oldest son was born because I gave him a car so he could get back and forth to see his kids at a time when he and his wife were separated.  That very well may of been the last time I saw him before now.

I found myself trying not to meet his gaze the entire afternoon.  I was comfortable in the memory of what we were and the choices we made to end up where we were today.  We took shots as a group in the kitchen, we took pictures, we laughed, we reminisced - it was beautiful.  After handling much unneeded drama from a few of our group we all took some time to just sit and chill outside together.  It was then when he caught my gaze; I could see how happy he was to see me.

This single event began a series of events that led to some questionable decisions in my life.  You know that desire to know "what if"?  The years of building up what it would be like to be with that person?  The insanity of thinking we may of gotten it wrong?  Did I?