I want to live!

I did it! 

When I originally decided to have gastric bypass surgery I made weight loss goal.  As usual, I am going to be completely honest and tell you that I NEVER thought I would actually make it to my goal. 

It isn't that I did not believe in myself.  I just did not want to get my hopes up.  I have heard so many difficult stories from people that had this surgery and seen so many that started off like a rocket only to fail that I just needed to protect myself. 

Total I am officially 1 pound under my goal.  It has been almost exactly 7 months.  I have had some very difficult months; however I am very proud.  For those who think that the surgery does all the work - dead wrong. 

I  have additional goals for myself on this journey.  I even have things in my habits I still need to correct.  It is a life long journey.  A journey I am so glad I decided to take.  I have children that I want to see have children.  I want to teach all of them what eating well and working out does for more than just your body, but you mind.  I want to live.

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Reflection

The end of 2017 is staring us in the face.  Taking time to look at the last year has proven to be beneficial for me the last few years and I found myself doing it again. 

It is the end of November and we are on vacation with two of our six children.  We just left off our five year old with his mom back in Tucson.  Although we wish we could take him with us on this vacation we agreed not to disrupt his school schedule. 

Back in January of this year I was let go from a job because I needed to take two days off to have surgery.  In February I opened the doors to my new business.  In May I had gastric bypass surgery.  In July I bought a new car.  In September we went on our annual trip to Colorado.  I could list for quite some time the things we had go on this year.  My business bypassed every goal we made, by far. 

The reason I list these things is because it is a great reminder to me that those negative things that did happen to not have to control how I feel about 2017.  My oldest son has a great job, my 16 year old has his own car, girlfriend and sports, my daughter is incredibly smart and gifted and my husband has become an outstanding role model for all of us. 

I have always wanted my own business.  I never had the support to do it.  I knew I could offer something to small businesses at a price they could afford with a benefit they could measure.  I got my first e-book done and published.  I have another song recording in Nashville.  How can I hold onto any of those moments of hurt from 2017?

The biggest thing for me in 2017?  I found forgiveness.  Not only for those who have lied or hurt me, but for myself.  I will no longer blame myself for all the failures.  I have learned from them.  I refuse to let them change who I am.  I will forever help those who need it.  That is who I am.  A handful of people that lost their ethics and morals can't leave a lifetime mark on me.  I have to much to do in this life and to much to give.  I want to forever be me.

Dramatic?

As one of my personal growth goals I have been working on how I react to others and how I let them effect me.  This is quite possibly one of the hardest things I have ever worked on. 

For a person who feels like I do not make decisions based on how others feel about it, I like to form my own opinions and I even like to think that I don't try to keep up with the Jones' - people sure have the ability to hurt my feelings. 

Don't get me wrong; if I have done something to someone and perhaps don't even really like them - I can let most things go.  However, when there is someone in your life that you know what you did for them, how you treated them and how you felt about them and they purposely show anger or hatred towards me...that hurts.

I do not like to hear the "it is their problem, not yours" or "it was not their intention" because I would never do the same to them.  There is no amount of hurt that I could feel that would make me walk around with that type of anger, strife and hatred.  It is unhealthy.

I tried talking myself out of being hurt.  Using the good old fall backs like "they don't matter", "they are just childish", etc, but to be completely honest - nothing is helping.  The worst part is I feel myself pulling away from others in that circle because of the stress of it.  I have been told that the following statement is dramatic, unfortunately, it is exactly how I am feeling - my heart hurts.  I feel it weighing heavily inside of me. 

The real struggle?  Isn't walking around with this type of pain on my heart just as unhealthy as their anger and hatred?

A Safe Place for Us

At my age I would not think I had so much to learn about myself; yet it seems like every day I am finding out something new, unrealized or even different than I thought about me.  I accept that the decision I have made in my life have built what I am today.  My difficulty is the uncontrollable effects others have had on who I have become.  Allowing myself to be comfortable with the new discoveries strengthens my ability to release the negative and empower the positive. 

My challenge to you:

Daily allow yourself the freedom to recognize your characteristics.  Name one to work on, one to let go or one to embrace.

This is a safe place to share and you are worth the work.

(comment below)

I was a Bitch!

Arriving home was the beginning of recovery for me.  Bending to get in and out of the car was difficult so I was not looking forward to moving much at all.

The kids were so happy to see me and so great to welcome me home.  I could see the relief in their faces that I was home and doing well.

I quickly realized that the bed would not be an option. I could not get in or out on my own.  My abs had five incisions and there was no way sit ups out of the bed were going to happen.  My husband has this wonderful "papa bear" chair in our room; so that is where I lived for a good five days.

I slowly learned that I quickly was becoming a bitch.  I would ask for tea and then complain that it was not made in the perfect way.  I would ask for something and complain that it took to long.  I was, for sure, getting tired of asking for help.  I was sitting in the "papa bear" chair and dropped my phone. I decided I could handle this myself.  Remember, I can't bend.  So, I slide down the chair (gosh I hope you are picturing this) and onto the floor.  I was so proud that I did it all by myself.  Then I realized I was stuck on the floor.  If I can't get out of bed, do you think I can get off the floor? Big fat NO! Lucky for me I have my phone in my hand now.  I call my oldest son, who is down the hall.  He immediately comes to my room.  Imagine me, in my PJ's, with a sad face - sitting on the floor when he walked in.  He smiled and said "I know there must be a story here Mom".  I was grateful for him making me laugh and help me back into my chair with no more questions.

I anticipated pain, however I thought it would be from the actual surgical cuts.  The worst, unbearable pain was actually from the air the put in your stomach during surgery and the gas it causes your body. It was something I have never felt in my life.  I am not sure they could of prepared me for pain like this.  I venture to say that it was worse than any pain I ever had giving birth, all three times.

By the end of most days I was beating up, sad and even low.  I considered myself to be strong and tough - I was not feeling that at all.  I felt weak, wimpy and overwhelmingly sad.  After being a total bitch to my husband, feeling sorry for myself, I finally had a good cry and got my thoughts on the right road.  I was also able to adjust my attitude; this helped everything.

Our Hospital Time

Opening my eyes felt odd.  What was more odd was feeling my body moving as I slowly opened my eyes.  I heard my husbands voice and immediately was put at ease.  The situation became more and more clear.  Why was I barely waking now?  Wasn't I suppose to spend time in recovery before I was taken to my room?

As I was settled into my room I looked to my husband and he had a 100% comfortable look in his face.  This, to me, meant everything went fine.  At this point, that was enough for me to relax and take in all that was going on around me.

I began to take inventory of my body.  What was I feeling?  Was there any pain?  I did not feel any pain.  I had slight discomfort in my stomach area and wanted to sleep, however all in all I was feeling OK.  There were nursing taking my vitals, my husband fixing my pillows and blankets and I could hear machines near my head.  I doubt I was awake long.

Every time I opened my eyes my husband was sitting right next to my bed.  I remember a nurse coming in pretty much every time I would fall asleep; or that is what it seemed like.  There was a time when someone explained what I had to do to go home.  I had to use the restroom, use the blowing machine and eat their specified amount of ounces.

The most memorable moment was the first time I had to get out of bed to use the restroom.  Of course, my husband was there to help me, but that is the first time I had pain that I thought "Oh shit, who decided to do this"?

The next two days were long; but we met some amazing people working for the hospital.  At one point there were checking my wounds and playing zumba music for me.  There were lots of laughs, smiles and just overwhelming support.

Don't get me wrong...this was not the easiest couple of days, but it was certainly the best hospital experience I could of imagined considering the circumstances.  I was ready to go home; worried at the same time about recovering on my own at home.  I was going to need to lean on people and ask for help; neither being things I am good at.  Lucky for me I have loved ones that know that and step up without even being asked.

Wish me luck at home...

 

Day of Surgery

The morning of surgery I woke with many mixed feelings.  I was nervous, anxious, excited, scared and ready all in one.  My husband and I had prepared prior, so all I had to do was wake up and go.  While I was getting dressed I began to second guess what I was doing, if I should do it and why I was doing it.  The answers came to me pretty easily:

• I was doing what was needed to give me a jump start on living a healthier life
• I had tried everything else and hit a wall; it was time for a little help
• I want to live and teach my children how to do it the right way

The drive to the hospital was long.  Thank goodness my husband was driving because my mind was racing and my heart was pounding.  I could not find that hospital even now because I have no recollection of the drive.

I remember walking into the hospital, signing in and waiting for my name to be called to register with the hospital.  We sat across from an elevator and passed the time people watching; something we both like to do.  At this point I was no longer questioning anything, however I was incredibly nervous.  Then it was our turn to register with the hospital.  I believe there was some type of issue, but truly can't remember what it was.  I know that it was handled, I paid and then a nurse came to get me and take me back to prepare for surgery.  Yes, it happened that quickly.

My husband was allowed to stay with me until they actually took me into surgery.  I found that very helpful.  He is my source of calm.  The male nurse that was helping us was hilarious, fighting with the other female nurse like an old married couple.  I became so comfortable that I did not have the anxiety, just the nerves.  If you have had anxiety, you know the difference. 

After all the questions, changing of clothes and such there was some down time.  I just got to lay there, holding my husbands hand and being as relaxed as you can be in this situation.  The next thing I knew the anesthesiologist came in.  He asked a few questions and I told him to make sure I did not wake up anytime during the procedure.  He told me "I am going to make you a cocktail to relax you".

Then I woke up and was being rolled into my after surgery room where my husband was waiting.

Picture before driving to the hospital for surgery.

Support Someone

I fought it for years.  I remember telling myself over and over that I could do it on my own.  I even remember hearing about others doing it and thinking they could of tried harder on their own.  I truly thought it was all about will power.  There was no way that there were outside influences that created the issue.  I have learned how very wrong I was.

I literally tried for years.  I was able to lose some weight on my own by doing what I love...zumba.  It is easily my drug of choice.  Even when I was eating right and going to zumba four times a week; I quickly hit a plateau.  This plateau was no where close to the weight I wanted to be.

I should make one thing very clear.  I have never and still do not want to be "skinny", I want to be healthy.  The final straw for me was realizing how active I am and realizing I should not be this big with my lifestyle.  I want to enjoy life, live long, watch my children and (some day) grand children grow up.

It took some courage, but I decided that I would bring up the conversation with my husband.  I was scared to do so.  I have never really had any support in this area of my life.  The response I received was beyond supportive.  My husband was on board and for all the right reasons - not because he wanted me smaller or thought any less of me but because he truly saw and understood what I was feeling.  I could never of asked for a stronger supporter or better response.

So, three months ago I had gastric bypass surgery and I would like to share my experience, so far, with you.  There are ups, downs, tears, laughter and much more.  Please take what you can from my story.  At minimum, see enough to support someone else in the same situation.

Ethics...anyone?

Lack of ethics is one of the worst things I have ran across in my life.  Unfortunately, I have found a lot of it surrounding me since our move to Texas.  People doing what is best for their pocket book, not their client, their friend, their family or even their own business.  Has anyone ever heard of Karma or long term effect of such behavior?

I am not sure when I became so sensitive.  I have been told that I give 100% and that is why when someone does something so negative towards me it has a crucial effect on my heart and soul.  I tend to think that when you mess with my hard earned money that feeds and cares for my children; that is when I get angry.  Unfortunately, I am not angry - I am severely hurt.

One man took $1,000 and now the woman that saw me go through that very hell has chosen to take $2,000 from me.  I do not care if I had millions of dollars; I earned that money by working harder, smarter and faster than the others.  The clients involved have gotten their product, the individuals have received their payments, yet my pocket is empty.  You're welcome?

I feel punished, slighted and certainly discounted.  I was also accused of sending my blog to one of these individuals clients.  No, I didn't.  My blog is, however, available to the public and some of those clients may already be linked to me on social media.  You see, I build relationships with people.  I do not just charge them for undocumented time and forget they are out there.

I wish I was able to be as unethical as they are, but I would never be able to look myself in the mirror.  And, most recently, I like looking at myself...more so than before.  I want those clients to know more about the individuals they are trusting with their financial and company information.  If I were the only example of either of them cheating someone I believe it would be less bothersome,  That is not the case for either individual.

I have decided, on pure principle, that I will not let them cheat me.  Maybe this will keep them from doing it to someone else in the future.

This Isn't The End

Realizing that your strength and honesty is not enough is one of the hardest lessons to learn.  If you have been following this story you will understand more quickly, if not, it will be clear by the end of this blog spot.

Working for a man that only worries about lining his pockets and not his clients was rough enough, however after he fired me he decided to withhold my productivity bonus because his clients have not been paying him.  The bigger part of that picture is they are not paying for a reason.  He is over-billing, charging for every second they may text, call or email and not discussing additional charges before he charges them.  Any CPA or decent human has enough ethics to treat their client better than this; especially if you intend to retain that client.

So, because he treating his clients poorly, being unethical, losing client and is unable to collect his receivables I not longer deserve my productivity bonus?  It wasn't a normal bonus - I produced the work.  Not only that but with three of us in the office I produced 70% of the billable work.  At this point it isn't greed because we are only talking about $1,000, it is the principle that he can just decide not to give it to me.  Bigger than that - I have seen him do it to others.

Secondly, I provided proof of my termination to the unemployment department and because Mr. Ex-Employer was able to lie - he won that also.  Most of you know me already - I will appeal, again, not for the money because by time this is over there will be no need for it, but because it is wrong and again I have seen him do it to others.

I am in an unfamiliar place right now.  I am not angry, I am not upset - I just want justice (I hope that isn't to strong of a word).  I understand that employees sometimes cheat the system, in many ways. That is not the case here.  I repeated my story multiple times, turned over all documentation supporting the truth and still one lie from an ex-employer can sway the decision.

Bottom line is that I am not going to give up on this one.  I will continue to fight it.  I have filed a complaint with the state of Texas on the withheld bonus.  I have appealed the unemployment decision.  I have contacted other ex-employees of his that are willing to stand up and say what happened to them as well.  It is time that someone let this man know that you can't cheat people - not your employee and certainly not your clients.

Finally, the actions that bother me thee most are answering all the phone calls from his current and ex-clients.  How do they find me?  He made me put my personal cell phone on my business cards.  I have had so many questions - most I can't answer for them and I feel horrible when I can't help.  He is running a CPA office and is not a CPA.  I can't tell you how many phone calls I have gotten asking if he is a CPA and why is he misrepresenting himself.  He isn't a CPA, he is an engineer.  Then there are client that have left him and he is holding their information hostage until they pay the LARGE final bill he has generated.  They worst one?  The clients that he still has not completed the work for and it has been sitting there since, at least, my last day - Jan 11th.  I can't defend it.

This experience has given me so much insight on how I do not want to run my business.  I am glad that I waited it out; learning from this instead of letting it paralyze my forward movement.  My clients come first.  Isn't that what we are here for - to help them build their business and understand their financial situation?  Without them - I have no business.  I am grateful to those who have shown me exactly who I don't want to be and what I don't want to do.  Even a difficult experience can create a strong you.

Part 2 - My Final Days

Since my departure I have been absorbing and exploring multiple feelings.  I felt failure, anger, hurt, sadness and even regret.  Something about me - I always do the right thing...even when I truly do not want to.  I was blessed with marrying a man who is one step better than that; he always does the right thing - period.

The feeling of failure came from the independent woman inside of me.  I have always made my own money, never needed a man to support me and made decisions based on my children and their needs.  Losing my job was the last thing I wanted, needed or desired.  Although I have the complete support of my husband, I have a personal struggle with not doing my part; monetarily.  I have always had the luxury of making the decision of who I am with based purely on what makes me happy, not what I need.

My anger was deeper.  It came from the same direction, my ex-employer but for several different reasons.  An employer can retaliate against an employee, however there is nothing the employee can do about it.  An employer can dictate you ability (or lack of) to care for your own health.  An employer can withhold your productivity bonus at their discretion.  An employer can tell the Unemployment authorities any lie they want and have the higher percentage chance of being believed, even if you have documented proof.

I am not ignorant.  I am completely aware that there are people out there that abuse the system.  If I am taking the time to not only tell you the COMPLETE truth, including the information about myself I don't want to share, and I have full documentation supporting my truth - how do I win?  How do we stop employers like this from doing whatever they want?

Hurt...I strongly dislike the fact that I feel hurt over this.  It makes me feel weak.  Those of you that know me - weak is not a word I would ever want used to describe me.  I gave someone my complete trust, worked 48 hours a week, took phone calls and text until 11 pm (his bed time) every night (Sunday - Saturday), I showed up to the office on a moments notice if a client needed something (even on the weekend) and I produced more billable time in my first month than anyone else.  I gave.  I gave 100%.  In return I received poor treatment from a man that was basically throwing a fit.

Sadness is a strong emotion.  I feel like I have gone through a break up.  Not only with my ex-employer, but with all of the clients that I thoroughly enjoyed helping.  I took the time to build those business relationships - on his behalf.  I was the reason he could turn his phone off for the first vacation since he opened the business.  I am good at what I do and was punished for it.

This is where the regret set in.  I regret that it took me so long to see my ex-employer in his true light.  I regret that I didn't speak up that he was an engineer running a CPA firm.  I regret that I didn't stick up more for the small business that he was charging CPA fees for bookkeeping work.  I regret that I allowed him to change invoices to capture the cost he wanted instead of the real time fee.  I regret that I let him alter my ethics, even for the smallest period of time.  I regret that I taught him so much.  I regret that I fixed his own bookkeeping file because he could not figure it out (free of charge on my own time).  I regret that I helped him maintain a front of a business that is misrepresenting themselves.

What I don't regret?  Writing this all down.  I can't express enough how much better I felt after allowing myself to feel and expose all of my emotion during this time.  The best therapy is allowing yourself to feel, not wallow in it - just feel.

Part 1 - My Final Days

There was no way to know what would happen.  Although we constantly take risks - I knew that this one was big.  I have always done well trusting my instincts.  You know - you meet someone and instantly decide if you like them or not?  Well...that may just be me.  I don't really have any grey area.  I like someone or I don't.  I had options, I made a choice based on my instincts and felt strong, even safe in my decision.

I watched this man and how he treated not only others at my level but the clients we served.  I did not disagree with everything but I had some serious issues with how he went about relationship building.  I convinced myself that was just our difference in age, he being 20 years my elder.  I literally kept making excuses for the man.

My hardest moment was when I realized all the behaviors I watched were not limited to just those people they included me - once I did something he disliked enough.  In my case I needed three days off.  The seven months I had been working for him I could not even get to a doctors appointment because of the schedule we kept, I rarely took a lunch and when I did - I got some sort of sly comment about it.  Which again, I overlooked.  I had no PCP being that we were in a new town and could not find one with no time from 7 am - 5 pm.  I ended up going off of my medicine I had been on for years because my old PCP in Colorado would not continue to refill without seeing me, rightfully so.  My health was deteriorating quickly.  Even my boss new it was because I had ended up in the hospital 3 times.  Unfortunately, that was not his concern.

That is how I got here.  I chose to take care of me and have the surgery for my health.  I told my surgeon my confinements at work and he said the best he could do is say I need 3 days for recovery.  Even though I did not have my surgery date yet I took this information to my boss trying to be as upfront as possible.  His response to my need for 3 days?  "Only if you take your laptop".  Shocked - I paused - praying this man was joking.  That was not the case.  I went home that night and discussed it with my husband.  We decided to approach my boss with it again, both of us giving him the benefit of the doubt that perhaps he was just having an off day.  I again say that I will need to have the surgery in early February and at worst need 3 days off.  He looked me straight in the eye and said "take your laptop".

Have you ever had that panic in your body that feels like anxiety but it is more like your heart hurts?  That is what I was feeling. I didn't know if I should walk out or cry.  I opted to get through my work day and again discuss it with my husband that night.  Thank goodness my husband is so calm and level headed because I was in panic.  I needed my job, I needed my income and I loved my clients.  After much discussion and weighing what we thought to be our options we decided that I needed to give notice to my employer and take care of my health.  I hated this option, but I knew it was time that I took care of myself.  My husband, knowing how stressed this made me, started a website for me to put my mind at ease that maybe I could find some side business just so I felt I was doing my part.

I was so upset that my husband even wrote my resignation letter.  I was new to Texas, I didn't know anyone except who I worked with and for.  I was not prepared for the reaction of my employer either.  We sent my resignation and he became so upset that he terminated my employment, via email.  I should of said that in my resignation not only did we offer to help during the transition but since I only needed the 3 days I offered to help however I could remotely as long as he needed.  I promise you I did this for the clients and not for him.  In his anger he forgot about the service he needed to supply his clients and just wanted to retaliate against me.  Not only did that prove the type of man he is but it also proved he should not be running a service business.