I Matter

I have always been that person that says "everything happens for a reason" and although I believed it, every time I said it, I feel like it was personally punching me in the face this year.

2015 has taught me lessons that I never wanted to learn, brought me pain I never thought I would get over and shown me sides of myself I never knew existed.

I opened my heart to people and situations, with a very protective bubble, and discovered the only way to really experience life is to remove that bubble and just let things happen.  There is no guarantee or promise that it will all work out, so call me risk taker because I flew by the seat of my pants all year.  My walls weren't just let down they were completely broken.  I trusted in a way that was reckless, guess what I got in return; the same - I received the same in return.  I am not going to lie to any of you and say that this equaled a fairy tale ending, it didn't.  It did, however, show me that you will never find out if something is your fairy tale if you do not give it 100% from the get go.  This, by far, was the hardest lesson of my life, so far, but I am determined to see the positive in all of it.  Isn't that how we get our closure on anything?

Pain is no where close to a strong enough word to describe the emotions I absorbed this year.  Opening yourself up to love, life and living doesn't always turn into the happy moments/results.  However, closing yourself off to all of it guarantees you will never know - good or bad.  Why not jump in head first?  I know you are dying to know the results of doing just that.  This is what I know.  Had I not jumped in head first I never would of found out who my best friend is, I never would of felt an unconditional love, I never would of found myself sacrificing my own happiness for someone else and I would of never had my heart completely broken.  Don't be sad in that moment because the best part was realizing as much as it hurt, it didn't kill me.

Learning new things out about myself is something I find odd at my age.  Not only odd, but not all things are easy to accept.  I, for years, allowed others to dictate what I did and did not do.  Those of you that know me find this just as crazy as I do.  I can no longer blame others for things I did or did not do.  I allowed this to happen to me - no one else is to blame.  What ends up happening to me is that no one takes my feelings into consideration because I am the "strong one", they ol' don't worry Yvonne will be fine.  I know it is hard to believe but I have a heart and feelings too.  I can be hurt, I can be sad and I am a new pro at crying.  Let me be clear and say I am not upset that i went through those things, I'm upset that the people that I thought me best are the very same people that disregarding my heart in the first place.

I have made many decisions this year but the biggest; I am me - take me as I am or please just walk away because I will no longer sacrifice my person for you.  I matter.