Honesty

There is no hiding even when you are walking through the dark.  He feels my every emotion and will push to explore it with me.  These are new feelings for me.  I am not even sure what they are or what they mean.  I am not jealous.  I am not sad.  I am not upset.  Yet, I feel low and unsure.  I got it - I feel left out and we share everything.

I tried so hard to just support and live in the moments I do get to share.  This is yet another one of those times when I have to learn to share.  I went through the same thing when I had to leave my children off at their dads house for the first time.  The silence in the car, in the house, in my life for those hours was unbearable.  My children have filled my world with sound for over 23 years, the silence was almost scary to me.

So, a song I heard today pretty much summed it up for me:

Honesty is such a lonely word - we trust each other so completely that we can have those moments of disconnect and allow the lonely to be there, temporarily.

Everyone is so untrue - it does not matter what we dealt with in the past. The people that were untrustworthy and shook our character no longer effect our world.

Honesty is hardly ever heard - we, separate from each other, have been lied to more than we care to admit. We have expressed that to each other and respect that we both expect complete honesty.  

And mostly what I need from you - stepping back from what I was feeling today I was able to remind myself how much I trust that he is always honest with me.  When I look at it with those eyes, it is clear to me that this is just another step in the right direction for us.

They Saved Me

It has been far to long since I have just done things that make me happy.  I believe I got myself to a stage in life where I thought I was simply around to raise my children - make sure they are cared for.  It was almost exactly four years ago when I looked in the mirror and literally hated what I saw.

I was larger than I have ever been and looked enormous.  My face was so big, my cheeks looked like they were going to explode.  My eyes were sad with huge dark bags under them.  My eyes were empty and so sad.  I looked lost, lonely and I felt that way as well.  I sat on my bathroom floor for what seemed like forever crying, wondering how I got there.    I was not happy with any part of me or my life.  The only thing that made me smile were my children.

It was that time in my life that I had a friend, life coach, sit me down and ask me some really hard questions. As much as I disliked the conversation I swore I would answer honestly and completely.  I left the exchange feeling drained and low.  I had answered all the questions, spilled my guts and still had nothing to show for it. The very next day my life coach called me and arranged another face to face meeting.  I heard some of the harshest words I have ever heard from anyone.  The two most negative people effecting my life were my husband and my best friend.  The worst part - it was true.

Years ago my therapist told me that all relationships should go both directions.  Not meaning that if you give in order to receive, but meaning that both parties are participating in the relationship in a positive manner.  My husband and I had used this information every five years or so to evaluate our life and it did end up surrounding us with the right people.  It is not as easy as it seems - especially when you hit the realization that your partner in life and best friend are not contributing positively to our relationship.

I made a plan to first do some things that would help my self esteem.  A friend of mine introduced me to zumba and I was hooked.  All exercise, at my size then, seemed like a chore and I would always find a reason to avoid it.  Zumba was a new animal that bit me hard the very first time I went.  I was not getting much support at home to continue this behavior, but I promised myself I would do it and I did just that.

I strongly disliked myself at that point in my life.  I didn't blame my husband for being so absent in our marriage because I didn't like me either.  I wasn't making any effort to change my condition and I certainly didn't blame anyone other than myself.  I closed off.  Sadly, I started living my lonely life alone.  I did all my mom duties, I went to work and I zumba'd.  This was my life - until the day my daughter (and youngest child) said these words to me that I will never forget and am forever grateful for:

"Mom, if I were with a man that treated me the way dad treats you - would you want me to stay with him"?

I have never heard something so clearly.  No, the answer was NO.  I would not want my daughter to be trapped in the type of relationship I was in.  I would want her to fight to make it better or walk away from it to find better.  It was time to take care of me because, little did I know, that is what my children needed also.

11 Years Lost

She was my best friend, not just my sister. I remember driving to school with her; she was a senior when I was a freshman. I remember waiting up for her when she went out. She was the first call I made when I lost my virginity. I laughed at her when I had to come into the bathroom and kill a spider to stop her screaming. I remember planning her wedding with her and mom, then being so upset that the wedding was six weeks after I gave birth to my oldest son; hormones. I fondly remember that new years night when we called the police because we thought we heard someone outside. Her husband ,an officer, responded with several other police vehicles only to find out it was gun fire; due to the holiday celebrating. You can imagine his dissatisfaction with us. I remember her removing my oldest sons father from the labor room right when I needed it. We shared the births of our children, all six of them, together.

I will be the first one to admit that I did not see it unraveling until it was obvious way off track. I certainly did not see all of the outside influences that I now know were strong negativity working against us. How did I allow this? Me, the preacher of communication. I am convinced that jealousy is the most selfish act. My best friend (ex) not liking my sister. Both of our husbands creating a wedge that wasn't real. Who knew that the most damaging acts would come directly from our own mother?

I lost 11 years with my sister and my nephews. Eleven years is a lifetime. Once I figured out the big picture I had to find a way to deal with it. I love my mom and I choose to believe she did not have malicious intent in her actions. I love my sister. I know it will take time to repair what we both have believed to be reality for many years, but I am willing to put in the time and effort to have her in my life; whatever that looks like.

The hardest part of all of this has been how different I am from everyone else. I cannot ignore something until it goes away. The last thing I want to do is stew and build up resentment towards anyone. I decided I needed to speak my feelings to my mom. I did this for many reasons; I wanted her to know what I knew, I wanted to let go of the anger and I wanted to move past the hurt. Its unfortunate that I am so different from the rest of my family that they are unable to have those type of conversations. At this point - I need to do what helps me and my children. I love my parents, my siblings and myself, so I have aired my views, feelings, emotions and I am ready to put it behind me. I realize they won't do it as easily and I have come to terms with that. I refuse to hold onto that type of negativity within myself.

There is an abundance of love and positivity in my world. My children are the loves of my life. My brother, even though we don't talk as much as we should, is someone I trust with anything and everything. My parents mean well and I need them in my life and my children's lives. My biological sister has a beautiful mind and sharing life with her makes me smile. My sister-in-law, who I love more than I could ever explain in words, is that little voice in my head (sometimes an angel, sometimes not lol) that keeps me on track. The friends that make themselves part of my life and support me unconditionally are my backbone, sometimes literally holding me up. Through all of these relationships I have found me, I am living as me, I am loving as me and I have found a love that by far surpasses any love I thought possible.

I am thankful for these life lessons and vow to turn them all into the betterment of me.

Could Not Ask for More

He wrote me a letter today.  If I had to define the type of letter - I would call it a love letter; the most beautiful love letter I could of ever imagined.  Sometimes - when you are in a relationship you don't realize how in touch the other person is with your feelings.  You know they love you, you even know they understand you, but I now know that this man sees me - clearly.

I am extremely grateful to be loved by this man.  I have never felt stronger in my knowledge of my partners feelings for me.  He believes in me and my passions in a way that strengthens me.  He creates a safe head space for me to put myself out there, take risks and follow my dreams.  I constantly feel his arms around me, allowing me to push forward.

I am 42 years old.  I can safely tell the world that I found him - I found the man that was meant to be my partner in life.  We have often joked that if we put all the characteristics we desired in a person that we would get each other.  This is no joke.  This man literally fills my life with such joy and positively that I have no choice but to love him.  My heart fell way before my head acknowledged it.

They is nothing and no one that could convince me this is wrong.  What I feel when I hear his name, see his face on my phone, see his name in text or hear him say my name is enough to make me explode with happiness.  I save his voicemail messages and get butterflies every time I listened to them.  He is the first thing I think of when I wake and the last thing when I go to bed.

Many people speak of finding a forever love.  I found more.  I found my forever love wrapped inside my best friend and I could not ask for more.

Feeling

Calling it dancing - without the music
It could be floating - beyond the clouds
There is no secret - to what we're feeling
What we dreamed - it will become
The music moves - throughout our body
Clouds are crying - those lovely sounds
Feeling your love - no longer lonely
Taking a moment - with my feelings
Touching my heart - with every word
Making this feeling - last forever
Walking through life - hand in hand
Waking each morning - to those eyes
So blessed to be your forever one

I do

When you know, you know.  I have been walking this path for almost three years.  I have never fought harder for something in my life.  I have never been more sure about anything.  We both tried to deny what we felt, what we knew and every time we found ourselves back together.

Not everyone gets to fall in love with their best friend.  The person that knows you better than anyone.  The one that supports your hopes and dreams.  The one that dared to dream with you.

Our journey has been bumpy to say the least but the one constant was the love we share for each other.  I can have the worst day and his voice erases the ugly.  I can be down and he will know exactly what to say to make me laugh.

I honestly tried to make my heart lie to him, to me and to everyone else, but there is no more denying that this man is my forever.

Please keep us in your thoughts as we get through these rough days in order to stand together and say I do.

Ass-u-me?

I realize that everyone has the right to their own opinion, however, if you do not know my situation, the history of my life or my life vs. yours - your opinion is based only on the knowledge of your situation.  I can safely say that you are now assuming that you know what the hell you are talking about.  To bad assuming is the worst way to approach any situation.  You can support someone, even care about them but do not judge.  If you just read that and think you do not judge others - please, please, please read the definition of judging:

process of reaching a decision or drawing conclusions

Now, if you read that and still believe you do not do it - I'm sorry but you are living in denial.  We all do it. Some of us are less vocal, some of us can look past our judgments and their are those that think they can but instead offer advice or opinion lacking the facts to do so.  

Life is not a simple cookie cutter. Every person is different.  Every relationship is different.  Everyone reacts differently.  Do you really think that there would be so much turmoil in the world if everyone could fix their problems with the same magic wand answer?  

The worst of all of this?  When you make your assumptions without regard for others emotional attachment to their situation you will hit the hardest wall you have ever felt. You may as well of hit them because that is exactly how it feels when you think you can fix their issue so easily when they have been living it, trying everything - more than you could even think of trying.

Short version - consider others in your words.  You can't take them back.