Scattered

My vision is completely blurred - I can't see in front of me or behind me.  I strongly dislike when I let myself get here.  I have planned so carefully, done all the right things and yet I am still the one getting the push back and pain.  It's as if they can't even see what I have done for them in the past few years.  Not only did I hear all they had to say, I acted on it and protected them from as much as I could.  I was patient, through all of it, I was supportive, loving and available.  What part of that was wrong?  Should I of set a limit on what I would do for them?  I can't.  That would mean not being me.  What do they want?  expect?  I am at a complete loss.  I am unable to even form sentences with any real meaning.  I, of all people, can't explain how I am feeling right now.  I don't understand it enough to know how to fix it either.

Mid-blogging I get a messages out of the blue from a male best friend of mine just reminding me that he loves me.  I asked him how he knew I needed that and he said he just had a gut feeling.  That is a friend.  He has absolutely no idea what I am going through today but once he knew I needed him - he stayed.  A friend with a true understanding of friendship.

That is the answer for today.  I am not blocking anyone out anymore.  If there are people that want to be part of my life and are a positive source then damn it - they can be.