0 to 60

I have been a 0 to 60 girl most of my life.  Are you wondering what I mean by that?  I mean that one second I would be fine and then someone would do something I found negative, rude or whatever and I would be instantly pissed off.  I am not sure why I was that way but I was.  Full disclosure - the older I got the worse my temper seemed to get.  I am generally a happy person, I felt like this negative reaction side of me was dark and worrisome.

I have been friends with my best friend, who is a male, for many years.  It has been in the past four years or so that he and I have become best friends.  I have never met a more positive, thoughtful, loving, caring and giving human being.  He is very good at showing me the other side to everything.  Even with us, something would happen and I would get upset, then when he called to talk to me he would ask me "do you think I would ever hurt you on purpose"?  I know he wouldn't, so why would my first reaction be anger?

A few months ago I had lunch with my bosses, who happen to be very good friends of mine.  We were working on things we would like to see and I was explaining this positive view my best friend always seems to have.  It was simple...consider the other persons intent.  Yes, it's that easy.  Consider who you are talking to and use what you know about them to temper your reaction.

I have not had a 0 to 60 moment in almost three months.  I feel like not only am I handling things better but good things are happening around me, to me and for me.  I never had a stronger circle of friends and family. I feel strong, supported and loved.  It may not look like what I envisioned but it is my perfect picture and I love it.

I Release You

In my mind I have had hate built up.  Finding out that there were so many sources contributing to the false emotions has caused some emotions that I am not understanding.  Beyond that it makes me regret the years I have missed.

I have decided that I can't change what happened.  I can only move forward learning from this unfair process.  I have let go of the untrue hate and even released the hatred towards those who interfered in my life in such a negative way.  I know it was a control issue; a way to get what they needed instead of what I wanted.  The tears I have now are only caused by the disbelief that others need to create this drama and madness to make themselves the center of attention.

I remember the day my life coach told me that my best friend, at the time, was the most negative relationship in my life.  How did I not see it?  The need to feel so important out weighed any real relationships she had. The build up of lies must be exhausting.  How does she keep it straight?  I physically become nauseated by the thought of some of the memories I have.  Worse than that - the things I found out after I released that friendship horrify me.  The positions I was put in were sometimes not just dangerous but scary.

When I first began blogging more seriously I avoided this subject for many reasons.  I did not want my children to know these awful things about a woman they considered, I did not want my parents to view her poorly, I did not think it was necessary and I was still in a place where I did not want to hurt her.  I am not in the place anymore.  This is my story to tell and I need the closure.  No one will completely understand because they do not know the relationship.  Like I said, this blog is not for anyone but me.

I had a major, almost relationship ended, fight with my male best friend due to one of her lies.  I was destroyed by a lie that she asked a family member to keep from me.  I woke up places with strangers due to situations she put us in.  I lost a childhood friendship because of her actions.  I never got to know someone that I truly thought could be a good friend of mine because of her lies.  I was very close to losing the love of my life because of her lies and drama.  I, for years, had to overlook her jealousy.  I have multiple situations where she either lied to keep me from a friendship or decided since someone was interested in me she had to involve herself sexually with them.  One of the worst things was straight up lying to me to get my support in her divorce.  The worst was being so jealous of the relationship my sister and I had that she created problems and even used my anxiety issue to her advantage.

I could go on forever with the things I have verified as true since the end of our friendship.  I have had to work one on one with several individuals to fix any strain that was created.  It was not easy.  It has been some of the toughest conversations I have ever had in my life.  I was very close to just turning my back on all of them.  Instead I gave each of them opportunity to tell me their version, not because that made it better but because that was the only way I could work through it, understand it and perhaps forgive it.  I did lose some people due to this chapter in my life, however the ones that I lost never should of been there in the first place. I gave more than any normal "best friend" would do.  I over looked more than any normal human would.  I allowed the behavior and no longer blame her for that.  I had enough information at the time to ask the hard questions.  So, all of that is one me.  I choose to be free of these toxic type of relationships.  No one an protect me from that but me.

Zumba Love

I was asked a question today that I have spent much time pondering:

How did you become so positive?

Let me begin by saying I have not ever really been a negative person; however, like anyone else I have had a moments of negativity.  I have even found myself lost in it, unable to see any silver lining.  I was not looking for a way out of my misery when I happened to find the cure.  I was still living day by day, no goal other than to make it through the day without feeling lower than the day before.  Cautiously watching the walls around me and hoping they would not close in on me.  Carefully putting a smile on my face in all the appropriate moments, especially in front of my children.  

For many months I had been attending this new exercise class, slowly catching on and meeting some nice people.  Little did I know that these amazing individuals would become my zumba family.  Supportive is not a strong enough word to describe what they provided to me during my lowest days.  Sympathetic, helpful, encouraging, parental, loving, reassuring and available are just few of the terms that quickly come to mind thinking of them.  In my lifetime I have had many friends, circle of friends and even best of friends; yet none compare to the embrace my zumba family has provided me.  I was never alone.  

There were many dark times during divorce process, but not for one single moment did I feel alone.  My zumba family cared for me in ever moment and celebrated even the smallest of victories with me.  Their strength built held me up.  It did not matter if they agreed with me or not - the wall of love stood.  I remember, very clearly, the first day I felt I could breathe again.  Like they were aware of that very moment of emotion our fearless leader, Kelly, dedicated a song to me in class, Fight Song.  I heard every single word that day, I let those words in like each of them were giving me a hug.  

This life experience will stay with me forever.  I learned so many lessons.  Those that know me well also know that I am not a very trusting person.  I believe that trust is earned, loyalty is given.  These zumba angels cleared the way for me to see the positive in my negative moments.  I was loyal in making it to class but it was really the trust I had in their love that kept me coming.  

Obviously it is an understatement, but Thank You my Zumba Family, I love you beyond words.

Leave it behind

How often do we need to re-evaluate our lives and who is in them?

When I was married, my ex husband and I would do it every few years.  Even as adults you find yourself in friendships that are unhealthy.  We would literally remove the negative from our life and just move forward. It always seemed to be the right decision.

At some point in our marriage we felt surrounded by negative.  We had a couple that were divorcing because he had cheated, a couple that were divorcing for many reasons but the one that was revealed to most was that she had cheated, we had a couple that seemed miserable together but stuck it out and we had a couple that my husband believed was after me.  It was an overwhelming period of time for me.  Even looking back now it seems unreal to think about these five couples that all hung out only two of them are still married.

During these divorces I had to make many choices and even take sides.  In the she cheated on him case - I did not want to take sides.  I had been friends with him since 5th grade and she was one of my best friends. As things moved on in their divorce I was asked by him to pick a side.  That simple question made the decision for me.  I was perfectly capable of being friends with both parties.  Walking away from that friendship was one of the most difficult things I have ever done.  I did not like to watch him suffer, yet I did not appreciate being put in the middle and then forced to make a choice between two close friends.  I even took the time to try to get to know his new girlfriend at the time.  She rubbed me the wrong way from the very first moment.  She was so jealous of the history he and I had that she couldn't even function like a normal human being.  I have known this man since I was in 5th grade, we are bound to have some inside jokes and many, many stories.  She struck me as an insecure woman.  If I had to hear about her student loans one more time I may of snapped.

The couple we were closest to made it very easy for us to pick a side.  I do not even think my husband and I ever had a discussion about it, it was just the right thing.  We supported her though it all.  It was a situation you think happens to others or even on TV, but never so close to home.  She could very well be the most intelligent friend I have, but when it comes to love our heart does not always handle things the way our head would.  My role, as her friend, was to protect her in any way I could - sometimes that was just answering the phone.  She, to this day, is one of women I have the most respect for.

Of course of all of these break ups my marriage was the biggest shock to me.  I think back to those times and I feel like my husband and I were the strongest, most loving couple.  We gave and received respect to each other, we both contributed in all ways to the household and there was no wandering eyes.  It make me so sad to think of those times.  I wish I could pin-point where it went wrong.  Well, I guess if I was being honest I can pin-point that time.  I just can't do anything about it now.  I did not have the power to change how he saw himself and I could not allow the situation to continue.  That will forever be the hardest part of my divorce - I didn't stop loving my husband, he just stopped feeling it.

Over Think Much?

I had not given a lot of thought to what it would be like, how I would feel or that if would effect me at all.  I am a human, I need space, just like anyone else.  I keep myself busy, even outside of my children.  I feel as if I am a decent person and strive to be as fair as I am able. Yet the weekend was long and I realized it is not an easy transition to share my children.  I know that they are his children also.  I am complete aware that I am doing the right thing by giving him the time to build relationships with his blood.  Sadly, I struggle.  My heart feels heavy, my head a mess and my anxiety through the roof.  Don't get me wrong, I trust him with our kids, I just have some work to do on how I react to less time with them.

There are many people out there that won't understand what I am saying at all.  There will probably be others that think I am selfish.  I'm not.  I'm not even going to change anything.  I just need to find a way to deal with the motion that comes with less time with my kids.  I told myself on Friday that it would give me all kinds of time to write, however this particular weekend I found it to be a huge undertaking to just not sit there and cry.  My middle son, 15, asked me the other day if I wanted my older son, 23, to move out.  The first thing that went through my mind was he must be thinking about it and talking to his siblings about it.  I know, I know...I will still have two others at home so it is not an empty nest, yet it tug at my heart in a way that hurt.  Again, don't be fooled by my crazy - I am SO proud of my son and the fact that he is in a very strong place to move out.  He and I have a connection not many would understand.  We were alone for a few years when he was younger, so we have a thick, unbreakable bond.  He is the man of the house right now.  He has always served as a protector for me as well.  I don't really understand where that came from because I have always been visually strong.  Perhaps he remembers more about our past then I realize.  At first I thought he stayed living here to be close to his siblings, however as time has gone on, I think it is about me.  He understands that I feel more comfortable having a man in the house.  The idea that I may have to have that conversation with him is difficult for me.  I do not want him to put his life on hold for me.

Now that I have thrown all of these words onto paper I see that I was way over thinking everything this weekend.  Truly, I know I will be able to share my children without having this empty feeling inside when they are not with me, until then I will just continue to remind myself the obvious - they deserve a relationship with their father, not to mention he deserves that time as well.

Moving Forward

Well guys - I finally did it. I have carved out time and procedure to get moving on my book.  I had a real struggle. I didn't know where to start.  I decided, thanks for my bff, to just write.  This is going to be a process.  I just need to get it all on paper so we can begin to deal with how it will all come together.  It seems like every time I read what I have already written I remember more. So, in short, this was the best way to start.  Get all that emotion, memories, words down and then worry about making sense of it all.

There is no better feeling then letting go of something that has haunted you for so long.  I knew I would feel better, however I didn't know how much I would learn about myself.

To be completely honest - the songwriting contract helped get me into gear also.  I don't want to say I did not believe in me but that may of been exactly what it was.  I had, for so long, not been supported that I let myself let go of what I wanted.  Thank you Nashville for a little bit of validation.  It is now my turn to carry forward and make things happen for me.

Share Me, Send Me

Feeling a little spoiled today.  I have been struggling to write because my chromebook took a dump and blogging from my phone is less than productive and super annoying.  I was enjoying my relaxing evening, alone in my bedroom. ignoring the rest of the work and in comes my oldest son with a box that I knew came in the mail today.  He not only got me a new chromebook but he got me a larger screen one.

So, here I sit after a VERY long two days at work super excited to blog.  I think I may be crazy, those of you that know me...hush.

I spoke with the Nashville company today and I think we have reached an agreement, so I will be signing the contract for the one song.  I realize this could lead to absolutely nothing, but that little bit of "what it" is enough for me to move forward.  I have gotten the specifics from them on the second song rewrites as well, so that is my next project.  They will then sign a different contract on that song.  It is done by song due to the fact that I am a lyric writer, not a writer of music.  Therefore, I will be splitting the royalties.  Their side includes the music, the producer and the vocalist to create a demo.  This process is so new to me and I am so scared of losing my own creation.  No risk, no reward, right?

I am asking all of you, as my loyal friends and readers, to spread the word of my blog for me.  I need to build up this following for my book and my music.  I promise to share the demos as they are completed and should it get picked up by an artist to record we can all celebrate together.  Many people have asked me about the money part of it.  I don't think you can understand my position unless you have been in it.  My words are my art and I just want to share it.  Sure - it could equal money but that is not my motivation.  My children are my motivation.  What better lesson can we teach our children than to never give up their dreams?

Ok guys - share me, send me, get the word out.  We are living this adventure together and I am so grateful for the love and support.

Wish Me Luck

Don't you just hate those moments when you are stuggling and your younger sibling points out the answer in seconds; not to mention their explanation makes co nmplete sense and makes your difficulty seem silly?  I don't - because in this specific moment in time it was exactly what I needed to get my head on straight.

So, I sit back with whole hearted thankfulness to have a younger sister due to my brothers ability to marry well.  I am going to move forward, embrace my reality and pray that it all works out the best for all parties involved.

17 days until I get to spend more time with my loving family, bestie and hopefully my bff as well.

The newest update for my followers is I have received my first contract for one of my songs.  Although scared, nervous and full of anxiety - I am going to do it.  It is the first step to seeing or hearing my work out there.  Wish me luck.