I divorced a man after 15 years of marriage. I did not divorce this man because I did not love him, I divorced him because he did not love anyone, including himself. He was a my way or the highway sort of person. Not because he was controlling, but because he is always right. He was stuck in a world that only made sense to him. He had "logic" to back up anything and everything. Another persons opinion was wrong. I believe that negates the who purpose of having an opinion.
I prolonged my separation from this man because he was so ill. A treat of suicide was enough for me to put aside all else and find him some help. He, of course, thinks that was the wrong thing for me to do as well. However, he is now alive and on medication that helps him deal with his day to day struggle.
This man put my children through emotions that no child should feel from a parent. The feeling of being worthless, unloved, stupid, etc. He resorted to name calling and raising a fist to his early teenage son. Hear me when I say - he did not do these things because my son was doing something horrible, failing or even getting into trouble. He did it all simply because HE was right and wanted that validation from his children also. Who tears down a child to build themself up?
Regardless of all of this (and I realize this is the short version) I still pushed for my children to give their father his parenting time; to go to his house every other weekend. I noticed early on that my children pushed back on these visitation weekends. I could not make them understand the importance of this relationship with their father. I decided I needed help and took my children to therapy. Do you know what I learned? I learned that he does not know his children. He thinks they are to young to have independent thoughts. He thinks I sit at home and posion the "dad" pot. My children are angry. It gets better - do you know why they are angry? Because I taught my children that they are always allowed to speak their minds. That does not mean they can argue, it means they are allowed to say their peace. I also taught my children that parents aren't always right. I have, many times, had to go back and apologize to my children for one thing or another. Between those two life lessons my children had built a wall of hate towards their father. One day he just shut them down. They were not worthy. I can't fix that for them or for him.
I recently arranged for their father to stay with them when I went on a girls vacation with friends. I could of asked any of their friends, their grandparents, whomever but I thought maybe under the safety of their own roof he could have some solid, positive interaction with them. Guess what? He canceled that today. His reason? The kids are mean to him. When will he be the adult?
My conclusion - he prefers to be alone. He does not have to like anyone, interact with anyone or be an adult. What he does not realize is that he just gave up having relationships with all three of this children; now and when they are adults.
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