Forgiveness

Nighttime is dark.  My mind is spinning uncontrollably.  Unable to handle my thoughts and emotions. The struggle is lonely.  Allowing yourself to feel is brave.  Sharing what is inside of you is far more - its courageous.

I'm working towards that courageous way.  I am ready to face my demons and move beyond the scars.

Surrounding myself with the right people is key.  I know I have support from my husband and my siblings.  I crave that and appreciate it more than words could ever describe.  Allowing those people in is my challenge.  After speaking with my therapist I realized just how scarred I am and how deep it goes.  I have much self exploration to do and even more forgiveness to give.

The most important thing I have learned is that forgiveness is something internal.  It does not mean I have to allow those people and thing back - it's truly abut letting it all go.

Therapy...

Therapy...

There is this horrible vision when I think of therapy because it did not help in four prior situations for me.

 - I remember going to therapy as a teen, family therapy. I don't think I truly understood why we went. What I did know is that nothing changed after the fact. I did figure out that I was an angry teen; well maybe more of an misunderstood teen. I did not understand myself much less expect anyone else to understand me. I learned that I felt my mom was absent during our childhood years. My dad never missed a game, my mom missed them all. What I realize today is that that was hurt, hurt that was born out of love for my mother.

 - As an adult I had a horrible work experience, while I was pregnant, that I still find unbelievable. I had a work associate turn against me in such a mean, negative and vindictive way. This person went as far as to make up lies to cover their "story" about me. I was slapped in the face with it when they cornered me in a conference room. I was so shocked by the betrayal of lies that I could not even find words to express myself. Imagine, me - without something to say. I went to therapy again. I even went back to the same therapist I had when I was a teen. It really helped in the understanding who I am process. I found my way but I felt it was unsuccessful because I could not understand why it all happened or why someone would do that to another person. It left me lost.

 - Again as an adult I found myself in a dark, depressing place. I never recovered from the prior experience. I ended up giving up a career I loved, a work family and my earned income status due to another's actions. I was unable to pull myself back up. My husband at the time decided that it was a choice I had made to be depressed and was less than supportive. We went to therapy. I felt blamed, shamed and again misunderstood. I was able to dig out of this one but it was purely off of my children's love and the support of some amazing friends.

 - As a final effort to save my family I agreed to couples counseling with my now ex-husband. I was sure that, at minimum, this would help his relationship with our children. I am happy to say that I found that right therapist. She heard me. From day one - she heard me. It was also the first time he showed his true colors to someone else. She was able to see and feel what we were all living through. Sadly, it did not save my marriage, but it really saved me. I have learned that I can't fix anyone else through therapy and that is not what it is for. It is for the person going there trying to make something better, more positive.

As a happily remarried woman I am trying therapy again - not for anyone other than me. Honestly, it is helping my husband also but I am the one looking to heal. So, I believe in therapy because I believe we can all benefit from a little more understanding of ourselves.

Good-Bye Burden

I no longer wish to wear your burden.  I will no longer allow your view of me to affect my view of myself.  I will not let your ignorance change how I handled my life.  I did what was right, for me and my family.

I see it now.  It took a long time to come through as a clear vision.  Before all I saw was the nightmare of losing my mother.  The overwhelming feeling of being alone when your parents can so easily disregard one of their children.  Why was I shocked?  They tried it with one of my siblings before.  What I feel now is sadness.  In my mirror is my mother.  The mother I remember.

My mom was one of the most intelligent women I knew.  She was strong and independent, everything that a woman strives to be.  She had a wonderful father, close siblings, a bread winning job and the family that saw her as the hub - the center of our world.

Looking back now I understand.  She began to lose things one by one.  She lost her father, she lost some siblings and slowly her health.  She saw these things as weakness.  I say that with confidence because I was doing the same thing, feeling the same things.  I understand her desire to hold on to what she could.  I get it now.

Grateful...all I can say is - I am grateful.  I am, for lack of a better term, blessed to of witnessed this at an age where I could comprehend what was real and what wasn't.  I own my part.  I was everything she was and I was strong enough to do it and go through it alone.

I will never forget being left alone to deal with my divorce.  Being judged because I refused to speak poorly of my ex-husband.  The nights of rocking in my bed, full of anxiety, holding in all that I was going through.  I was so afraid to share my ugly.  I was trying to avoid exactly what happened anyway...people judging.

What everyone forgets while they are sitting back in judgment of others is:

• You don't live in their home
• You don't know their life
• You don't know what is true
• You don't know what is false
• You don't know their limits

I do not think that I could of done it differently.  I strongly believe I did what was right for my children.  There was no need to speak badly of their father simply for others to understand what our family was going through.  My children had their own things to heal without me joining in with the bad feelings.

It feels absolutely horrible when you are disliked for being TO strong.  I didn't cry enough, I didn't morn long enough, I didn't wait long enough, I didn't try hard enough - you simply have no idea.  The things I lost in those years could not be fixed, replaced or even glued back together.  Not because I did not want to fix it; because you can't fix something alone.

There is less than a handful of people that know me well.  Those are the people that know I cried enough, I morned enough, I waited enough and I tried harder and longer than anyone in my position ever would have.  I do not answer to you and I do not answer to them.  I answer to me and I know the amount of loss I had in the four years prior to my divorce was more than I lost in my actual divorce.

It was time to believe in me again and the first step is walking away from the one person that believed in me the least.

Better - In Every Way

He asked me to close my eyes...close my eyes and think back to when we met, it had to be almost ten years ago.  He wondered if I ever imagined that we would be where we are today.

I was married and we shared thee same best friend.  I closed my eyes and let my mind wander back to that day.  I clearly remember meeting him.  She, our shared best friend, had often talked about him and I had a definite vision of what I believed he would be like and even a vision of what I thought he would look like.  It was years later that I realized he wasn't any of those things.
 

His eyes were piercing blue and his smile was genuine.  He was comfortable and very easy to get along with.  It could not of been the easiest atmosphere to walk into.  We all had very strong personalities and sarcasm should be our middle names.  Our group was open to others but we had so many "inside jokes" and "funny sayings" that it could sometimes be hard to keep up with us and what we were talking about.

He took it all in...I don't think I ever saw him without a smile on his face.  The moment I realized I could tease him - it was on - he was part of the gang.  

The truth...I never saw him in any other capacity then a friend.  I was married, happily married at the time.  I did feel like he was someone I wanted to get to know more about.  He had a calming spirit.  We sat and watched fire works together and conversation was light, easy and fun.  He had this quiet confidence that I found refreshing.  

The thing I remember most was when he left.  I thought he was nothing like what I imagined - he was better in every way.

Live

There is absolutely zero way to win this battle.  When you try every approach and the other individuals involved refuses to look at themselves...it is the loneliest feeling in the world.  I am unable to fix it for them, they are unable to admit it needs fixing.  That is what you call a cross roads. I am so tired of trying to be better and still feeling alone in it.
Remember how it felt before?  Like you mattered, like you were loved, desired, needed, etc?  Was it all an act to capture what is?  It isn't fair.  It isn't fair to require so much understanding from me and have no thought of what you can do for yourself.
So, I sit here, alone - wondering why I am still trying to fix it.  Why am I going to give 100% to a two sided situation.  In reality - my 100% is only 50% of the issue and the resolution.  That is where I see failure.
I have always been the type to keep trying simply because failure was not an option.  Perhaps it is my old age, but I am clear that all parties need to want this to work.  I am unable to do this alone.  I do not want to spend anymore of my time praying, hoping or wishing that someone else wants it as badly as I do.
I am not OK with just getting by.  I want it all.  I want complete trust, sharing of everything and a life that exceeds all expectations.  It is not a dream - I see it - they simply need to want it too.
Problems don't go away by themselves.  People can't read minds.  Things don''t grow when they are not cared for properly.
Take a look at you.  Are you participating in life the way your family needs?  Are you giving yourself to every situation in a way that sets you up for success?  Are you taking others into consideration in thee way you handle your every day life?
Stop hiding behind what was and live.

Intent

Listening and hearing are two very different things.  I wish I was able to un-hear certain comments or even just care less about their intent.

My husband and I always seem to do the right things and most of the time the nicer thing just because we don't want to allow negative words and/or people to get the reactions they are pushing for.  We will not sink to their level.

I, as usual, will not lie...it is sometimes really hard.  The overwhelming feeling one gets when we allow a behavior we know is unacceptable, rude or even mean.

My husbands strength is unmatched.  He is the truth.  That person that does nice things because that is who he is.  He never expects anything in return,, he just gives.

I am thankful in every moment knowing that I will have this man walking through life with me, forever.

I invite you to think about this.  Do you have people in your life that just take?  Are your friendships two way relationships?  Do you have someone in your life that will do you a favor and then forever hold it over you or assume they "own" you due to their giving nature?  Comment back - share your view - even if it is not the same as mine.

I'm Happy!

It has been far to long since I sat down and blogged.  My life has been a roller coaster ride.  There have been so many ups and downs, but I am happy to say that there is light at the end of our tunnel and we are coming out way ahead on the other side.

Most of the time I have been fight writers block, lack of time and some days just having a lack of positivity shuts me down.  That is not me and it certainly is not who or what I want to share with the world.

I have had friends abandon me, parents disown me and what I considered true friends hurt me with words that although I will forgive - I will never forget.  I realize those things alone would of taken many people out, yet I learned some amazing things about myself, my kids, my husband and who my real, true friends are. 

I fight this view of me all the time.  The "She will be OK, she is tough" attitude everyone has towards me.  Let me just make something completely clear - strong does not mean without feelings.  I chose not to react to the hate.  I chose not to apologize when I was not wrong.  I chose to live my life in a positive way and place.  That place is my home - with my husband and our children. 

My children have proven to be the most mature and thoughtful people in my life.  My oldest son knows me better than I ever imagined.  My middle son has been the strong one.  My baby girl, although she struggles, is always a 100% on board with her mom. 

Then there is my husband.  Who knew that such an amazing man even existed?  A man that is real, kind, true and possibly the most loving human I have ever met.  He gives in more ways than I knew possible. 

Finally - my friends.  Many of those special people showed there beautiful colors the last month I was in Colorado.  Between planning a wedding reception, having a going away breakfast and partying with me at Fusion on my final night in town...these friends are keepers. 

I'm thankful.  I'm loved.  I'm happy.

Responsibility

I could do with a little less stress.  I have not been able to get any writing done.  Even when I find the time, when I sit down all of my words turn into tears.  I have never had so many mixed emotions in my life.  More so - I have never felt so much disappointment in my life.  I feel like I am being punished for being the honest person who is unwilling to let others walk all over me.  Peoples ability to not only lie to others, but lie to themselves scares the hell out of me.  These are the type of minds that are unpredictable.  I try so hard to think that perhaps they really have that poor of a memory that they are unable to put all of their "stories" back together.  Then their actions prove me wrong yet again.  I think the reason they became so angry with me was because I did not back down.  I did not conform to their expectation.  I lived the truth.  On top of that I caught them in their own lies.  Once they said those things out loud they were simply unable to recover.  I am not going to take responsibility for their ill effect on all of us.  I will, however, take complete responsibility for getting myself and my children through this - ending in an even more positive place. 

I choose me

I always assume I am at fault first.  They know me so little that they don't see that I have been through all the emotions and dealt with all of the feelings that were unsettled due to their lack of communication.  As I pondered the past 11 years and all of the most recent events I found peace in it all.  I can't change them.  I can't make them be better people.  People who tell the truth, love unconditionally and give just as much as they take.

It is clear that they are upset that I called everyone out on their behaviors.  They did not own anything they did, even the things they admitted to they retracted later.  It is very unsettling that a parent can dislike their child so much.  I knew I should of just sucked it up and moved on, but I could not let go of the anger handling it that way.  It was my error in judgment to think that everyone was capable of adult conversations with honesty.

I am no longer looking to just let go of the anger, I have worked through all of that.  I have seen where I failed, where I could of done better and even what I did completely wrong.  As an adult I am accountable of all of my actions.  I cannot change the things that happened, but I can certainly learn from them.  I will never allow another to fill my head with so much negative that I can't imagine a positive.  I will not look back on these years as a loss any longer.  I see it now as many valuable life lessons.  I am grateful to see clearly and even more grateful to no longer feel imprisoned by others.  I am responsible for my life, no one else.  I choose to love.  I choose to be loved.  I choose to share love.  I choose to be happy.  I choose me.

My Truth

I have had to remind myself several times this week that I am a grown up and do not have to allow other peoples issues include me or effect me.  As much as I would like to fix situations and people; the only thing I can really control is myself.  Even with that it is difficult for me to walk away without understanding the behaviors.

I took the time to deal with my demons.  I have faced things I still don't understand.  How do they misunderstand something that simple?  Are they truly that concerned with being right that they can't have an adult conversation?  I no longer care who said what, who is mad at who or why anyone did anything.  I just want it known that I know and I choose to move on.  I no longer want to carry the anger.  It is unhealthy and exhausting to constantly feel that low.

The more I think about the past the more of the puzzle I put together.  My anger has changed into simply feeling sorry for them.  I am surrounded by love and support - they stand alone in the world they created. In the back of their minds they know where this began.  Well, honestly I think she does, but he is only aware of her side of anything.  I get it.  It is his job to protect his wife.  I would expect nothing less.

I had some amazing friends pick me up this week.  I think my lucky stars that I am now in a place where I can think logically and am prepared to deal with these things.  I was able to hear their words this time and understand what I could and could not do, for my sake, my health - not for anyone else.  I rarely make decisions based on only myself; it was time.  I even made a promise to my close friend that I intend to keep, forever.

The amount of tears I shed this week was immeasurable.  Through it all I never felt alone.  The partnership I share with my fiance is the strongest connection I have ever felt.  He, some how, knows exactly when to listen and exactly when to talk.  When he does talk he says exactly what I need to hear.  Never is it judgment, just strong, supportive words full of love.

For the record - I am aware that I am being pretty vague in this blog.  This is NOT how I usually write and will not be how I continue to write.  I am still processing the events of this week.  When I have it all clear in my head I will pour it out in my normal fashion.  I will not sensor myself to protect anyone.  I started my blog for two reasons - I love to write and it is an outlet for my truth.  I am not asking everyone to agree with me or even like what I have to say.  I just want my readers to know when they see my words they are real and true.

Strong Enough

Some days are much harder than others.  Today was one of those days when I could of cried at any moment.  I felt alone, sad and unsupported.  I kill myself trying to find out the core of these emotions; it just brings on more tears.

I learned long ago that we are unable to control others but when you think you understand someone only to be proved differently - it hurts.  One small fib makes you question everything.  Doesn't that seem unfair? Trust - a lifetime to gain and a moment to lose.

I have decided that even in this case I am not going to give more than I am getting.  I can't.  I will not stand by and wait to be hurt again.  I rather be wrong and protected than right and destroyed.  It's your turn, your turn to hold my hand and feel my heart with happiness.  Your turn to tell me how important I am to you and your life.  Your turn to be strong enough for both of us.

Unmatched

I walked into this trip with an entirely different outlook than any of our past trips.  For almost three years we have been respectful of everyone else, only depriving ourselves from completely giving ourselves to the relationship.  I have to be honest - there were plenty of times I did not think that we were going to make it, but we always found a way.  This past weekend made what I believed become my reality.  He is my everything - my biggest fan, my lover, my partner, my soul mate and my very best friend.

From the moment he showed up this weekend I felt complete.  I was happy and so ready to share him with my family and friends.  He allows me to be exactly who I am and loves me for it.  He fit right in and joked with my family.  They were all so warm towards each other.  It truly made my heart full.

Some of the smallest things we did made me the happiest; going to the store, playing cards, donut run for the family and watching baseball.  A man that enjoys the sport the way we do.  It was my own personal heaven. Better than all of that though?  Spending time with his mom and brother.  I have never felt so welcomed.  I am positive that his mother can see exactly what we feel.  She is like a constant hug and I love it.  The absolute best thing?  Falling asleep and waking up with him.  Never have I felt so warm, so safe and so loved.  He speaks to me without words; in a language that is only ours.  

With all of this said...I am so glad we had this time together.  Although I enjoy being with everyone else I am completely satisfied with the alone time moments we get.  Whether we are driving down the road, getting ready for bed or just sitting in the same room - he fulfills my every want, need and desire.

My head is spinning with the things we have coming up and all the firsts we will do together.  I love seeing him happy, I love seeing him grow, but most of all I love watching us take on the world together.  Our strength is unmatched.  I have never seen or experienced anything like it.  Yes, I am putting this in writing - I have found my life partner and I cannot wait for everyone to see us become one.

Honesty

There is no hiding even when you are walking through the dark.  He feels my every emotion and will push to explore it with me.  These are new feelings for me.  I am not even sure what they are or what they mean.  I am not jealous.  I am not sad.  I am not upset.  Yet, I feel low and unsure.  I got it - I feel left out and we share everything.

I tried so hard to just support and live in the moments I do get to share.  This is yet another one of those times when I have to learn to share.  I went through the same thing when I had to leave my children off at their dads house for the first time.  The silence in the car, in the house, in my life for those hours was unbearable.  My children have filled my world with sound for over 23 years, the silence was almost scary to me.

So, a song I heard today pretty much summed it up for me:

Honesty is such a lonely word - we trust each other so completely that we can have those moments of disconnect and allow the lonely to be there, temporarily.

Everyone is so untrue - it does not matter what we dealt with in the past. The people that were untrustworthy and shook our character no longer effect our world.

Honesty is hardly ever heard - we, separate from each other, have been lied to more than we care to admit. We have expressed that to each other and respect that we both expect complete honesty.  

And mostly what I need from you - stepping back from what I was feeling today I was able to remind myself how much I trust that he is always honest with me.  When I look at it with those eyes, it is clear to me that this is just another step in the right direction for us.

They Saved Me

It has been far to long since I have just done things that make me happy.  I believe I got myself to a stage in life where I thought I was simply around to raise my children - make sure they are cared for.  It was almost exactly four years ago when I looked in the mirror and literally hated what I saw.

I was larger than I have ever been and looked enormous.  My face was so big, my cheeks looked like they were going to explode.  My eyes were sad with huge dark bags under them.  My eyes were empty and so sad.  I looked lost, lonely and I felt that way as well.  I sat on my bathroom floor for what seemed like forever crying, wondering how I got there.    I was not happy with any part of me or my life.  The only thing that made me smile were my children.

It was that time in my life that I had a friend, life coach, sit me down and ask me some really hard questions. As much as I disliked the conversation I swore I would answer honestly and completely.  I left the exchange feeling drained and low.  I had answered all the questions, spilled my guts and still had nothing to show for it. The very next day my life coach called me and arranged another face to face meeting.  I heard some of the harshest words I have ever heard from anyone.  The two most negative people effecting my life were my husband and my best friend.  The worst part - it was true.

Years ago my therapist told me that all relationships should go both directions.  Not meaning that if you give in order to receive, but meaning that both parties are participating in the relationship in a positive manner.  My husband and I had used this information every five years or so to evaluate our life and it did end up surrounding us with the right people.  It is not as easy as it seems - especially when you hit the realization that your partner in life and best friend are not contributing positively to our relationship.

I made a plan to first do some things that would help my self esteem.  A friend of mine introduced me to zumba and I was hooked.  All exercise, at my size then, seemed like a chore and I would always find a reason to avoid it.  Zumba was a new animal that bit me hard the very first time I went.  I was not getting much support at home to continue this behavior, but I promised myself I would do it and I did just that.

I strongly disliked myself at that point in my life.  I didn't blame my husband for being so absent in our marriage because I didn't like me either.  I wasn't making any effort to change my condition and I certainly didn't blame anyone other than myself.  I closed off.  Sadly, I started living my lonely life alone.  I did all my mom duties, I went to work and I zumba'd.  This was my life - until the day my daughter (and youngest child) said these words to me that I will never forget and am forever grateful for:

"Mom, if I were with a man that treated me the way dad treats you - would you want me to stay with him"?

I have never heard something so clearly.  No, the answer was NO.  I would not want my daughter to be trapped in the type of relationship I was in.  I would want her to fight to make it better or walk away from it to find better.  It was time to take care of me because, little did I know, that is what my children needed also.

11 Years Lost

She was my best friend, not just my sister. I remember driving to school with her; she was a senior when I was a freshman. I remember waiting up for her when she went out. She was the first call I made when I lost my virginity. I laughed at her when I had to come into the bathroom and kill a spider to stop her screaming. I remember planning her wedding with her and mom, then being so upset that the wedding was six weeks after I gave birth to my oldest son; hormones. I fondly remember that new years night when we called the police because we thought we heard someone outside. Her husband ,an officer, responded with several other police vehicles only to find out it was gun fire; due to the holiday celebrating. You can imagine his dissatisfaction with us. I remember her removing my oldest sons father from the labor room right when I needed it. We shared the births of our children, all six of them, together.

I will be the first one to admit that I did not see it unraveling until it was obvious way off track. I certainly did not see all of the outside influences that I now know were strong negativity working against us. How did I allow this? Me, the preacher of communication. I am convinced that jealousy is the most selfish act. My best friend (ex) not liking my sister. Both of our husbands creating a wedge that wasn't real. Who knew that the most damaging acts would come directly from our own mother?

I lost 11 years with my sister and my nephews. Eleven years is a lifetime. Once I figured out the big picture I had to find a way to deal with it. I love my mom and I choose to believe she did not have malicious intent in her actions. I love my sister. I know it will take time to repair what we both have believed to be reality for many years, but I am willing to put in the time and effort to have her in my life; whatever that looks like.

The hardest part of all of this has been how different I am from everyone else. I cannot ignore something until it goes away. The last thing I want to do is stew and build up resentment towards anyone. I decided I needed to speak my feelings to my mom. I did this for many reasons; I wanted her to know what I knew, I wanted to let go of the anger and I wanted to move past the hurt. Its unfortunate that I am so different from the rest of my family that they are unable to have those type of conversations. At this point - I need to do what helps me and my children. I love my parents, my siblings and myself, so I have aired my views, feelings, emotions and I am ready to put it behind me. I realize they won't do it as easily and I have come to terms with that. I refuse to hold onto that type of negativity within myself.

There is an abundance of love and positivity in my world. My children are the loves of my life. My brother, even though we don't talk as much as we should, is someone I trust with anything and everything. My parents mean well and I need them in my life and my children's lives. My biological sister has a beautiful mind and sharing life with her makes me smile. My sister-in-law, who I love more than I could ever explain in words, is that little voice in my head (sometimes an angel, sometimes not lol) that keeps me on track. The friends that make themselves part of my life and support me unconditionally are my backbone, sometimes literally holding me up. Through all of these relationships I have found me, I am living as me, I am loving as me and I have found a love that by far surpasses any love I thought possible.

I am thankful for these life lessons and vow to turn them all into the betterment of me.

Could Not Ask for More

He wrote me a letter today.  If I had to define the type of letter - I would call it a love letter; the most beautiful love letter I could of ever imagined.  Sometimes - when you are in a relationship you don't realize how in touch the other person is with your feelings.  You know they love you, you even know they understand you, but I now know that this man sees me - clearly.

I am extremely grateful to be loved by this man.  I have never felt stronger in my knowledge of my partners feelings for me.  He believes in me and my passions in a way that strengthens me.  He creates a safe head space for me to put myself out there, take risks and follow my dreams.  I constantly feel his arms around me, allowing me to push forward.

I am 42 years old.  I can safely tell the world that I found him - I found the man that was meant to be my partner in life.  We have often joked that if we put all the characteristics we desired in a person that we would get each other.  This is no joke.  This man literally fills my life with such joy and positively that I have no choice but to love him.  My heart fell way before my head acknowledged it.

They is nothing and no one that could convince me this is wrong.  What I feel when I hear his name, see his face on my phone, see his name in text or hear him say my name is enough to make me explode with happiness.  I save his voicemail messages and get butterflies every time I listened to them.  He is the first thing I think of when I wake and the last thing when I go to bed.

Many people speak of finding a forever love.  I found more.  I found my forever love wrapped inside my best friend and I could not ask for more.

Feeling

Calling it dancing - without the music
It could be floating - beyond the clouds
There is no secret - to what we're feeling
What we dreamed - it will become
The music moves - throughout our body
Clouds are crying - those lovely sounds
Feeling your love - no longer lonely
Taking a moment - with my feelings
Touching my heart - with every word
Making this feeling - last forever
Walking through life - hand in hand
Waking each morning - to those eyes
So blessed to be your forever one

I do

When you know, you know.  I have been walking this path for almost three years.  I have never fought harder for something in my life.  I have never been more sure about anything.  We both tried to deny what we felt, what we knew and every time we found ourselves back together.

Not everyone gets to fall in love with their best friend.  The person that knows you better than anyone.  The one that supports your hopes and dreams.  The one that dared to dream with you.

Our journey has been bumpy to say the least but the one constant was the love we share for each other.  I can have the worst day and his voice erases the ugly.  I can be down and he will know exactly what to say to make me laugh.

I honestly tried to make my heart lie to him, to me and to everyone else, but there is no more denying that this man is my forever.

Please keep us in your thoughts as we get through these rough days in order to stand together and say I do.

Ass-u-me?

I realize that everyone has the right to their own opinion, however, if you do not know my situation, the history of my life or my life vs. yours - your opinion is based only on the knowledge of your situation.  I can safely say that you are now assuming that you know what the hell you are talking about.  To bad assuming is the worst way to approach any situation.  You can support someone, even care about them but do not judge.  If you just read that and think you do not judge others - please, please, please read the definition of judging:

process of reaching a decision or drawing conclusions

Now, if you read that and still believe you do not do it - I'm sorry but you are living in denial.  We all do it. Some of us are less vocal, some of us can look past our judgments and their are those that think they can but instead offer advice or opinion lacking the facts to do so.  

Life is not a simple cookie cutter. Every person is different.  Every relationship is different.  Everyone reacts differently.  Do you really think that there would be so much turmoil in the world if everyone could fix their problems with the same magic wand answer?  

The worst of all of this?  When you make your assumptions without regard for others emotional attachment to their situation you will hit the hardest wall you have ever felt. You may as well of hit them because that is exactly how it feels when you think you can fix their issue so easily when they have been living it, trying everything - more than you could even think of trying.

Short version - consider others in your words.  You can't take them back.

If They Fall

I remember sitting in my room, my parents had added the bedroom in the garage for me and really allowed me to make it mine.  Walls were white, carpet red and everything else black, red and white.  I enjoyed having my own space.  I do not remember what the argument was about but I clearly remember the break up scene. I got home, hoping my sister was there, and ended up alone in my tears.

Looking back on it now it seems so dramatic and unrealistic; yet when we are living it the world seems to be crashing down on us.  I have had to use those emotions to relate to my children in the same circumstances. The fact that I know they will be fine and its very rare that you marry that high school love interest does not help them.  Validating their feelings and giving them the time and space to explore it for themselves is clearly good for all of us.  

I always make the joke that my children tell me everything but I would not have it any other way.  I love the fact that I know their friends, their enemies and what is going on with them.  I'm not crazy - I know there are things that they do not share with me.  Somehow knowing what they do tell me eases my mind.  

Exploring life, love and learning is a difficult road for anyone.  Having the open door policy in my house has kept all of us close.  My children learned years ago that I do not lie.  There are times when they utilize that fact.  Those are usually the same times I say "it's none of your business".  The other thing that I believe has made us the fabulous four is my kids know that I have no problem saying I'm sorry or I was wrong.  This small fact changed how they viewed me and how they fostered the relationships we have today.  

As parents we don't know it all, but we know enough to allow our children to feel.  Giving them that freedom opens up so much more for them.  I am not saying let go.  I am saying ease up the reigns - we can always pick them up if they fall.

Adulting...

Have you ever found yourself in a strange situation?  One that is totally out of your control and a bizarre reality to being with?  I have never had to deal with this specific type of ordeal.  I feel like I don't really want to deal with it now either.  This is no reflection on the other people involved, I simply don't have it in me. Anything that seems hard becomes a very low priority for me.  With this case - it is unneeded and very unwelcome drama, therefore I am wanting to walk away - fast.

Tell me why it is that women that are not involved in your life suddenly feel the need to cause chaos for no other reason than they are lonely and miserable on their own.  I am not sure what bothers me more - those women giving the rest of us a bad name or the fact that misery loves company is true.  These are the times when "brutally honest Yvonne" wants to come out and set things straight.  When did I become this "think before you act Yvonne"?  My adulting, yes that is a verb, is annoying me.

Instead of making things ugly for this poor soul that obviously needs a life of her own, I am going to keep my blinders on.  That is the only way I am going to be able to avoid the creation of chaos. I pray my lack of reaction will quiet the crazy.  If not I will have to keep her out of my picture.  Sadly, that will effect others but I am unable and completely unwilling to let that sort of negativity in.

My plate is full, my head is heavy and my heart is busy trying to figure the rest of it out.  I choose to be happy and that is within my control.

Lyrics

Usually I don't think twice and I trust my gut; however I just can't shake this one.  I continue to over analyze every word that was said.  The words I said and the words that I heard.  Did I hear it correctly, did I mean everything I said?

Convinced that this type of relationship does not happen but once in a life time, if we are lucky, I feel compelled to thoroughly review it all before I make a final decision.  So, I lay here on the floor of my bedroom, staring at the ceiling trying to organize my thoughts.  

The decision I lean towards is wildly unsupported.  Obviously, those who know me, that does not really effect my decision making; however when you hear the same thing over and over again it is difficult not to hear it clearly or not take it seriously.

The fact that we have held on this long baffles me.  Clearly there is something there, right?

I heard these words today "so glad we made it - look how far we've come now baby".  Granted I am one of those people that listen to the lyrics, still today I heard these words loud and clear.  I sit back now looking for a sign, anything to point me in the right direction.  Something that provides that strength and clarity to make a decision.  I am not sure what this sign looks like, but at this point I believe it should be a significant movement forward, a clear gesture that we are strong and together in this.

My final lyric of the day:

It's no secret that the both of us
Are running out of time

Don't let it go you guys.  Grab on, with both hands, and fight for what you want and love.

Positive JuJu

There are many days when I question the time I put into my writing.  Not because I do not enjoy it but because I let my mind wander...is anyone reading this, can anyone relate to this, is this therapeutic only?  It seems like every time I am reaching my limits of "why am I doing this" someone throws me a bone.  Today was one of those days.

An old friend that i literally have not talked to since I was in 8th grade reached out to me.  He has found himself on a positive path and found my words helpful, relate able and positive.  Nothing fuels me more than someone feeling my words.

So, thank you for reaching out to me and providing me with the positive juju to keep moving forward.  I am grateful that you took that moment to share with me and I will continue to share with you.

My Friend, Sarah

I met her in a zumba class.  I remember thinking she was very quiet, of course that is in comparison to me and my friends, not quiet.  It took a bit of time before we began talking but once that occurred we were fast friends.  I have never met a more loving, caring or patient human being.  You know that saying that "they would give you the shirt off their own back"?  I literally think she would do that, for anyone in need.

Being that I am the older of the two of us you would assume that she would learn much from me, but I am serious when I say that she has taught me so much about myself.  During and after my divorce I had the tendency to try to hide from the world.  I went to work, then home and that was about it.  My friend, Sarah Murphy, didn't allow me to do that.  She planned our walking dates, dinners and included me in circles I was not part of.  I am positive she would not see this as a favor, but it was.  She didn't allow me to hide and get lost in feeling sorry for myself.  She spent countless steps listening to me babble about that weeks drama.  In the calmest, most open way she gave me exactly what I needed...a friend.

It has been many months now that I knew I would eventually lose her to the big city, Denver.  For some odd reason she wants to live with her husband, who does that?  Is this normal behavior for young people today? All kidding aside - I saw it coming, but that does not mean I have to like it.  Sarah has the most wonderful husband.  I am so happy that they will get to start their new lives together in a new home and new town.  No two people deserve it more.  

As I told Sarah - her moving will give me an excuse to get to know Denver, spend more time there.  It is no secret how special she is.  I am going to miss so much about her:

-  Our funny talks while she makes me dinner

-  My niece (her dog)

-  Someone knowing how I feel without me saying it

-  Random flowers, cards or gifts 

-  A non-judgmental ear

-  That laugh - I love her laugh

-  The great influence she is on my daughter

-  The reminder to get to our physical trainer

-  Someone laughing at and with me

-  Watching her ass in zumba

-  Watching her flirt with our zumba pals (Jean - lol)

-  Planning events (ya, we rock)

-  Shopping partner (introduced me to dress barn)

-  Most of all...just seeing her face, she literally brings a smile to mine

Sarah - I can't promise I won't cry when you leave, but I promise it will not be long before I see you again. You are an important part of my life that I intend to keep intact for many years to come.  I love you.