They Saved Me

It has been far to long since I have just done things that make me happy.  I believe I got myself to a stage in life where I thought I was simply around to raise my children - make sure they are cared for.  It was almost exactly four years ago when I looked in the mirror and literally hated what I saw.

I was larger than I have ever been and looked enormous.  My face was so big, my cheeks looked like they were going to explode.  My eyes were sad with huge dark bags under them.  My eyes were empty and so sad.  I looked lost, lonely and I felt that way as well.  I sat on my bathroom floor for what seemed like forever crying, wondering how I got there.    I was not happy with any part of me or my life.  The only thing that made me smile were my children.

It was that time in my life that I had a friend, life coach, sit me down and ask me some really hard questions. As much as I disliked the conversation I swore I would answer honestly and completely.  I left the exchange feeling drained and low.  I had answered all the questions, spilled my guts and still had nothing to show for it. The very next day my life coach called me and arranged another face to face meeting.  I heard some of the harshest words I have ever heard from anyone.  The two most negative people effecting my life were my husband and my best friend.  The worst part - it was true.

Years ago my therapist told me that all relationships should go both directions.  Not meaning that if you give in order to receive, but meaning that both parties are participating in the relationship in a positive manner.  My husband and I had used this information every five years or so to evaluate our life and it did end up surrounding us with the right people.  It is not as easy as it seems - especially when you hit the realization that your partner in life and best friend are not contributing positively to our relationship.

I made a plan to first do some things that would help my self esteem.  A friend of mine introduced me to zumba and I was hooked.  All exercise, at my size then, seemed like a chore and I would always find a reason to avoid it.  Zumba was a new animal that bit me hard the very first time I went.  I was not getting much support at home to continue this behavior, but I promised myself I would do it and I did just that.

I strongly disliked myself at that point in my life.  I didn't blame my husband for being so absent in our marriage because I didn't like me either.  I wasn't making any effort to change my condition and I certainly didn't blame anyone other than myself.  I closed off.  Sadly, I started living my lonely life alone.  I did all my mom duties, I went to work and I zumba'd.  This was my life - until the day my daughter (and youngest child) said these words to me that I will never forget and am forever grateful for:

"Mom, if I were with a man that treated me the way dad treats you - would you want me to stay with him"?

I have never heard something so clearly.  No, the answer was NO.  I would not want my daughter to be trapped in the type of relationship I was in.  I would want her to fight to make it better or walk away from it to find better.  It was time to take care of me because, little did I know, that is what my children needed also.