Clueless or A Bitch?

I think perhaps I have become a better listener as an adult.  Either that or no one ever told me the things I am currently learning about myself.  Let me begin by saying that I am eternally grateful for the friends I have in my life right now.  My close circle does not consist of anyone I thought would be there for me, besides my mom - she is always in my circle.  Oddly this group seems to know me better, care more about me and is not afraid to tell me what they are thinking, good or bad.  I appreciate that, more than anyone could imagine.

A very special friend of mine, Jessie, had a very candid conversation with me yesterday.  It made me think, made me feel good and saddened me all at the same time.  This amazing friend, who I know is reading this, has always been the little angel on my shoulder.  I have tried my best to do the opposite for her.  I was talking to her about the wonderful man I have in my life currently.  I sent her a picture and she reacted by saying that he reminded her of JM, a guy we went to high school with.

JM and I found each other via Facebook a year or more ago.  We got along like we had never stopped communicating.  For me, JM was that guy in high school that I liked but didn't think he was serious enough to have a relationship.  For him, I was the one that got away.  I questioned him during these reunion conversations about how I never knew how he felt about me.  I can appreciate that he had very stand up reasons for not expressing his feelings to me.

Jessie said my current man has a kind face.  She is so right.  He is probably the kindest, most loving and caring man I have ever met.  When she said he reminded her of JM I told her about the most recent communication I had with JM.  To my surprise she said "I knew that, when JM and I use to hang out (in high school) he use to talk about how he felt about you".  Going through my head was "am I that clueless or was I just a bitch"?  At that time in my life I had a steady boyfriend and apparently closed my eyes to all else.

Jessie has a natural gift, she is able to tell me things I may not want to hear in a way that I totally accept as fact.  I trust her.  Last night she told me that it takes a strong man to be with me.  I think it has to do with my independent ways and self confidence.  Jessie tells me that a man lacking self confidence may begin to see themselves in comparison to me instead of in partnership with me.  Did she really just wrap up my past ?relationships in one sentence?  I think so.

As I write and fade to sleep tonight I will be giving our conversation much thought.