No Tomorrow

Only bringing each other pain and sorrow is the reason why there isn't going to be a tomorrow.  I had accepted that this was my doing, my decision, even my fault.  Then I was slapped in the face with the reality of why I felt the way I did.  I knew I should of trusted my instincts.  How many years have I wasted trying to make it work when he had already decided I wasn't enough?  Feeling like an idiot is not even close to how I am feeling.

I can't promise I won't cry about this anymore.  I can't even promise that I will get over it.  I will, however, walk away and never look back.  A friend reminded me today that I am a scorpio.  Perhaps it is time to go back to those simple rules.  The difference?  I have an amazing support group.  I may have to lean on them more than anyone is use to, but I do have the luxury of having them.

I do not feel strong today.  I feel like I have been hit by a truck.  My mind is full of memories that seem untrue.  My heart is full of pain caused by the lies.  This is what creates those unhealthy walls people walk around with.  I will not let this break me, nor will it effect how I live moving forward.  I have found my reason to let go.  After talking with my kids, I can't find a reason to hang on.

Telesis

Telesis.  Do you remember this word?  It was in a major commercial years ago.  I remember thinking it was a very odd commercial.  I can't even remember what the commercial was for or about.  What I do know is that Telesis means "progress intelligently planned", per that commerical.  Don't worry, I have a point.

I need to know what the opposite of telesis is.  I am making tremendous progress, however I have no plan and certainly not an intelligent one.  I'm thinking that this is normal.  Who plans to suddenly become single at 40?  Not me.  For years I told my mom that I would never get married.  I already had a son, at 18, and in my head it worked like this......when is is 18, I am 36......SCORE!  My exact words to my mom was "marriage is death".  Looking back, how rude was I?  My parents are still married, ugh.

When I did decide to get married I fully intended for it to be forever.  I would not of said yes had I thought any differently.  I had been proposed to twice before and knew it was not "the one".  Clearly something went wrong.

A couple of months ago my 10 year old daughter asked me if I would want her to stay in a relationship like my marriage.  I am always honest with my children, I honestly said no.  She was right.  I don't want to be that example to my daughter.  She deserves a better role model.

Without any intelligent plan, I decided that it was time to do what makes me happy.  Every day is a struggle. Every night is long.  Yet by the end of this I want to be able to say I thought it all through and made positive progress.  That is all the telesis I need.

I remember.......

I remember what I was wearing and what he was wearing when it happened.  The moment was electric, like nothing I have ever experienced before in my life.  No words were exchanged, just a long stare the expressed more than words could possibly.  The passion, the desire, the love......all so incredibly overwhelming.  Overwhelming in the most positive way.  

Passion was something that I had put aside, really feeling that it was something I would never experience again.  I had talked to many friends that had convinced me that it was completely normal to lose that in a marriage.  In their opinion it was not for lack of passion, it was simply something that no longer fit into family life.  Although I had accepted it as gone, I in no way believed it was the way things "should be" or that it was "normal".  

Desire comes in many forms.  I can close my eyes and imagine how desire use to feel from inside of me and coming from another to me.  This tells me that at some point in time the desire was strong, almost unstoppable.  I refuse to think that this is another emotional need that simply disappears over time.  

Love is an emotion that consumes you in most amazing way.  Passion and desire is wrapped up into love.  That being said, how can passion and desire go away if there is still love.  My conclusion?  Relationships are work.  Lets all stop making up excuses as to why these things are gone and put the work in.  Isn't the object of your live worth it?

Courage is what I have found in myself when exploring these feelings.  It is necessary to give 100% to every relationship, as long as you remember the following:  

If your relationship scale is heavy to one side, maybe it isn't the right relationship.  You are worth feeling those positively overwhelming emotions. 

Tunnel Vision

Have you ever felt like the dark tunnel has no end?  It has been years since I entered this tunnel of the unknown.  I was totally unprepared for the amount of ups/downs and twist and turns this tunnel contained.  The most recent fork in the road has led me into a new direction, still unknown, but I swear I can see the light.  I am moving forward, yet it seems like the light is the same distance away as it was yesterday.

If you didn't know this about me already, I do not have the best grasp on patience.  I'm more of a "lets make this happen" kind of girl.  I'm also a decision maker.  I don't like to sit on the unknown and hope the arrow points me in the right direction.  I gather the information I need and boom - ready to make a decison.  I will be the first to tell you that I don't always make the most popular decision, but I do make the most positive one.

Maybe that is the light I see.....positivity.  I know I feel it - in the changes I have made, in the people I am surrounded by, in my job and with my children.  So, no matter how dark this tunnel may seem I will continue to push foward.  Not only because I want to get to the light, but because I want to share in the light.

Romance

I didn't think it was a romance until now.  I knew there was chemistry, love and a strong connection; this just seems to good to be true.   You know what they say about things that seem to good to be true?....... whoever "they" are, were wrong.   

This connection is not without its challenges, yet for some reason we both seem willing to take each challenge on, together.  Never has another person made me feel so empowered, like I have a support group of one, "the one".

The best part?  We teach each other things and the other is totally game to try and to learn.  A man that says "I can work on that", who knew?

I literally feel myself thinking those cheesy lines "you complete me" when we are together.   How incredibly lucky am I that some crazy woman, or women, didn't treat him the way he deserved or love him the way I do?  Counting my blessings is an understatement.

Why do I think this is romance now?   Because neither of us were looking for each other.   We meet people everyday and I remember the day I met him.  I remember thinking "what a teddy bear", the first time we met.  The second time we met I somehow found a way to spend extra time with him,  watching fire works.  It was years before we began to really talk and somehow he became that person I could trust with anything and everything.   He never judged me,  he never mistreated me and most important (to me) he never hit on me.  

I'm positive that I have loved this man far longer than I have said or admitted.  It is a very special romance when your best friend becomes your lover and never neglects their best friend duties. 

Struggling

Struggling is the best word to describe what I am going through right now.  I am working so hard to do what works for others, being that I am the one being blamed for all of these changes.  I just want it to go as smoothly as possible.  Watching others hurt is seriously the hardest thing.  I just want to make the pain go away.

Don't mistake my smile for "everything is great".  I am just trying to get through this without falling apart.  Even with the tremendous support I know I have, the days are still lonely and the nights are even worse.

On the positive, with a little help from my friends, I have almost all of the heavy furniture intot he new house.  It felt good when a few of my friends dropped into the new place today and it was so comfortable.  There are several rooms in the house that feel so homey and relaxing.  I can't wait to cook my kids dinner in the new place.

Regardless of the failures, I am determined to turn this around for all of us.

Accomplished

Today would have been so much better had I had someone to share it with.  It felt very lonely to move things alone, into an empty house.  I took pictures as I put things into the house to send to the kids. The good news is they are excited.  I have moments of excitement, but mostly moments of pride.  Being the strong, independent woman sometimes leaves you lonely because everyone expects that you will be fine.  I could
use a hug.

Tomorrow is a new day and I have a good friend coming to help me move heavier things.  I hope to slowly get this moving process completed so there is less to do when the kids get home at the end of the month.  I feel so lucky to of found the home we are moving into.  The owner of the home seems very easy to deal with and incredibly nice.

I absolutely can't wait to see the kids faces when they walk into our new home.  I hope it satisfies them.  I long for big smiles and easy transition, another reason I want to have so much done when they return.

Rocking it alone is difficult, however I feel accomplished and strong.  I hope my children see me that way too.