Struggling

Struggling is the best word to describe what I am going through right now.  I am working so hard to do what works for others, being that I am the one being blamed for all of these changes.  I just want it to go as smoothly as possible.  Watching others hurt is seriously the hardest thing.  I just want to make the pain go away.

Don't mistake my smile for "everything is great".  I am just trying to get through this without falling apart.  Even with the tremendous support I know I have, the days are still lonely and the nights are even worse.

On the positive, with a little help from my friends, I have almost all of the heavy furniture intot he new house.  It felt good when a few of my friends dropped into the new place today and it was so comfortable.  There are several rooms in the house that feel so homey and relaxing.  I can't wait to cook my kids dinner in the new place.

Regardless of the failures, I am determined to turn this around for all of us.

Accomplished

Today would have been so much better had I had someone to share it with.  It felt very lonely to move things alone, into an empty house.  I took pictures as I put things into the house to send to the kids. The good news is they are excited.  I have moments of excitement, but mostly moments of pride.  Being the strong, independent woman sometimes leaves you lonely because everyone expects that you will be fine.  I could
use a hug.

Tomorrow is a new day and I have a good friend coming to help me move heavier things.  I hope to slowly get this moving process completed so there is less to do when the kids get home at the end of the month.  I feel so lucky to of found the home we are moving into.  The owner of the home seems very easy to deal with and incredibly nice.

I absolutely can't wait to see the kids faces when they walk into our new home.  I hope it satisfies them.  I long for big smiles and easy transition, another reason I want to have so much done when they return.

Rocking it alone is difficult, however I feel accomplished and strong.  I hope my children see me that way too.

Positive Steps

I didn't want to get up this morning.  I finally slept and it felt amazing.  Although I would of preferred to sleep in when I heard my alarm clock, I got up.  There was much to be done today.  I got myself ready and headed into work.  I got involved and when I looked up it was time to go to zumba.  Those of you that know me know that zumba is a very important part of my day.  I am pretty sure it is important to everyone around me also.

Zumba was with an instructor that is not at the top of my list.  I have resigned myself to the fact that she is a fill in for our Super Zumba Instructor, Dianne, and I just needed to suck it up and dance.  So, that is exactly what I did.  I had hundreds of things rushing through my head during zumba.  I did not get any of it figured out, but zumba flew by.

After zumba I made a call to a house I wanted to view.  My mom was nice enough to come with me.  I warned her that I was moody.  I really was just read to cry for anything today.  One thing at a time, that is all I kept telling myself.  The first place we looked at made me feel like the walls were closing in on me, however it had an amazing back yard.  The second house we looked at grabbed me from the outside and sold me on the inside.  It was everything I wanted, plus.  The neighborhood is incredible and the yard was big enough to use but not so big that I could not keep it up myself.

After working things out with my significant other I let the landlord of the second house know that we wanted the house.  He was just as excited as me.  Thank goodness for some celebration, I needed that.  One positive step forward.

I think that this step made everything real.  This is actually happening to me, my husband and I are separated. I don't believe I ever thought it would get here.  I was positive, even four years ago, that he would love me enough to change and rejoin our family.  There are just some things that have happened now that he can never take back and I don't know that I will ever forget.  I forgive him and I even forgive myself, but it is time for us both to be happy.  I see great friendship with him in my future.  I pray that is true.

Clueless or A Bitch?

I think perhaps I have become a better listener as an adult.  Either that or no one ever told me the things I am currently learning about myself.  Let me begin by saying that I am eternally grateful for the friends I have in my life right now.  My close circle does not consist of anyone I thought would be there for me, besides my mom - she is always in my circle.  Oddly this group seems to know me better, care more about me and is not afraid to tell me what they are thinking, good or bad.  I appreciate that, more than anyone could imagine.

A very special friend of mine, Jessie, had a very candid conversation with me yesterday.  It made me think, made me feel good and saddened me all at the same time.  This amazing friend, who I know is reading this, has always been the little angel on my shoulder.  I have tried my best to do the opposite for her.  I was talking to her about the wonderful man I have in my life currently.  I sent her a picture and she reacted by saying that he reminded her of JM, a guy we went to high school with.

JM and I found each other via Facebook a year or more ago.  We got along like we had never stopped communicating.  For me, JM was that guy in high school that I liked but didn't think he was serious enough to have a relationship.  For him, I was the one that got away.  I questioned him during these reunion conversations about how I never knew how he felt about me.  I can appreciate that he had very stand up reasons for not expressing his feelings to me.

Jessie said my current man has a kind face.  She is so right.  He is probably the kindest, most loving and caring man I have ever met.  When she said he reminded her of JM I told her about the most recent communication I had with JM.  To my surprise she said "I knew that, when JM and I use to hang out (in high school) he use to talk about how he felt about you".  Going through my head was "am I that clueless or was I just a bitch"?  At that time in my life I had a steady boyfriend and apparently closed my eyes to all else.

Jessie has a natural gift, she is able to tell me things I may not want to hear in a way that I totally accept as fact.  I trust her.  Last night she told me that it takes a strong man to be with me.  I think it has to do with my independent ways and self confidence.  Jessie tells me that a man lacking self confidence may begin to see themselves in comparison to me instead of in partnership with me.  Did she really just wrap up my past ?relationships in one sentence?  I think so.

As I write and fade to sleep tonight I will be giving our conversation much thought.

Hard Day

Even the most difficult of days can have a silver lining......

When I opened my eyes this morning, after very little sleep, I remembered the rumblings of the prior evening.  I took a deep breathe, sat up in my bed and said to myself "you can do this".  Although this may have been enough to get me going I also picked up my phone.  I had a text message from Nancy, my get me going zumba girlfriend, and my best friend reminding me that I am loved and missed.  Terrific start to my morning.

After dedicating a couple hours to work in the a.m., it was time for zumba.  Zumba is one of the most fabulous parts of my week.  I dance all the negative ju ju and unhealthly vibes away.  By the end of zumba class today I had a handful of not so fabulous texts.  Finding them to be mean, rude and unhealthy - I did not respond.  That may of been a mistake as the individual continued to use even stronger language toward me.  I finally respond just letting the person know that I had just gotten out of class.

I spent my drive back to the office thinking about how to respond to this person.  I came to the conclusion that I needed to do what I have always done, tell the truth.  After a conversation with my best friend I decided to do just that.  Although the truth was hard, it was the right thing to do for all parties involved.  Most importantly my children will know that in all of this, I was honest and did what was healthy for them.

Words Hurt

Words hurt.  There is a difference between being strong and being heartless.  No matter how many walls we may put up it does not defend against words, why is that?  Perhaps it has more to do with the individual that is speaking the words and their intent with those words.  I know that people say things out of anger, I just think they everyone should think before they speak.  Once those words come out of your mouth there is no taking them back.  Most times words are so much stronger than actions or lack of action.

After giving much thought to how some negative words have made me feel I have decided to receive the words differently.  I have no control over other people, how they act, what they say and how they conduct themselves.  What I do control is how I receive the negative words and if I let them effect me.  I know I need to receive the words in order to deal with specific situations, however I no longer have to allow those words to change how I view myself.

A great example happened this week.  In the heat of mean, negative words I was told that I must be having a midlife crisis to be living my life the way I currently am.  I listened to these words and really gave them so thought.  I'm 40 years old and I feel better than I have in many, many years.  I never worry about what others think of me, I like who I see in the mirror and I take better care of myself.  Honestly, I am finally being true to who I am.  A wonderful friend said something that really helped.  She said I wasn't having a midlife crisis, I was having a midlife realization, that life was not a dress rehearsal.  She is right.  I made a decision the day my doctor told me that I was HIGH RISK diabetic; I was living life, not just walking through it.  I deserve to be happy and my children deserve a mother that is healthy.

If caring about myself, my kids and my life is a midlife crisis then I am thankful to being having it early enough in my life that I still have time to enjoy the new outlook.  I am not sorry that I am taking the time to be a little selfish and work on me.  I want my children to see that it is never to late to change negative behavior in anyones life.  Life is what you make it.  I will no longer sit back and wait for happiness to come to me, I am the creator of my own happiness.

Singing and Dancing

Today was one of those days that I just wanted to scream (good things) from the roof tops.  That feeling you get when something so exciting happens.  That uncontrollable urge to just dance and sing?  Maybe that part is just me.  It is just my luck that I am not at a place where I can share all of this wonderful news, but I assure you - I really, really want to tell the world.

I did manage to celebrate in my own way.  I bought my team some ice cream, then decided to get my kids and my mother in law and went to the pool for some sun.  As if I was not happy enough, I got to lay in the sun.  That activity happens to be in my top 10 things to do duing the summer (are you dying to know the other 9?).  Then I went home, cooked dinner and had a couple drinks with my mother in law.  Nothing better than a couple pina coladas on a hot day.

So now I sit, wide awake, positive that I should go to sleep.  Who needs sleep when we are this dang happy?  I'm going to convince my brain that I can indeed sleep and in that sleep I will be singing and dancing because life has proven me right again........positivity breeds more positivity.