My Journey

I waited so long.  I hid all of it from everyone.  I did not want to seem weak or look like a victim.  I took care of it in silence for years.  It all back fired on me.  Hiding my situation just made me look like a fool when it all blew up.  No one understood.  I realize now that I have been protecting him still, for 23 years now.  It was never my intention to protect him.  I saw things differently than others.  I did not want this horrible vision of my sons father.  More than that...I did not want my dad to know and therefore react to the things I had gone through and been subjected to.

Writing my book has brought out so many emotions.  I have had so many old memories hit me that I find myself overwhelmed by it all.  The positive in all of this is that I am starting to understand myself more.  Since that time in my life I have not been very trusting of others.  I have even been guilty of dropping relationships simply because I thought the other person was ready to do the same.  I have kept relationships that were unhealthy and/or uneven.  I worried more about how I was seen than what I saw in the other person.

For years I fought for my relationship with my then best friend.  I was clearly warned about her from all parties, even people directly related to her.  I remember specifically someone asking me "would she do the same for you"?  At the time I believe I was afraid to entertain that question so I ignored it.  As I sit her thinking about it today - I am sad to say I know she would not of done the same for me.  This friendship is a prime example of why I do not trust easily now.

Searching my past for the story I want to tell has helped me revisit my feelings, my reactions and even my mistakes.  I have slowly been allowing myself to dig deeper and let myself feel those emotions again.  This has provided me with so much clarity.  I knew this ride would not be easy, but I have no doubt that it is all part of my path to loving myself completely.  I don't always love who I see in the mirror every day; however I do love who I am.  If that is all I get out of this journey - it was worth it.