Something Right

I have been questioning may things for the past couple of weeks:

Are they going to like the new house?
Will they be OK here?
Will they prefer to be with their dad?
Am I doing the right thing?
Will they be happy?
Will it all come together?
Can I do this?

And the list goes on and on.  It only took minutes when they got home from their four week adventure in California to answer most of my questions, all positive results.  There are times when I feel like my 10 year old daughter is wiser than I am.  How does that happen?  She uses the most adult vision and mature language to express how she is feeling.  She is also very careful to protect her brother when doing so.

My oldest son really is the best brother my younger kids could ever have.  He literally lives his life around where they are in their lives.  It was hard for him, with this separation, because he did not want to hurt me or his dad.  He did not want to say NO to living with either of us.  He sat down with me and had some ideas of where he was going to live, on his own, but his biggest concern?  Making sure he lived close enough to the high school that his brother could walk to his house.  Now, that is extreme sibling love.  This is the same child that decided not to go away to college because he did not want to leave his baby sister.  He was so afraid he would miss out on things in their lives.  Don't get me wrong, my kids fight and argue, they are siblings, but moments like these make me feel like I definitely did something right.

Then there is my lovely teenage boy.  I really worried the most about him.  He has had the most difficult relationship with their dad.  I don't want him to give up on their relationship or write his dad off.  He came home with a better attitude as well.  He is overly protective of me, but I think them seeing what I accomplished in their absence really made him realize that I am OK.  It is time for him and his dad to work on their relationship, outside of me.

There have been many great memories in this new house already.  Listening to my kids talk and laugh in the kitchen, seeing them help each other complete their rooms, all of us sitting in my bedroom just talking, cooking our first dinner here, baking our celebration cake and the laughter, oh I love the laughter.  My baby girl said it best today, "I already feel like we are all happier Mom".  I did something right.

New Path

This month has been long, productive, scary and difficult.  Walking away from something I once believed in may of been the hardest thing I have done in my life.  Being away from my kids for so long has been the worst part of all of this.  It was the right thing to do though.  This would of been much harder to do with them here.

In these last 3 - 4 weeks I have moved out of my marital home, found a new home for me and my children, prepared the new home for all of us, stepped up at work to be where I need to be financially and was totally honest with myself for the first time in years.

I sit in my new home and it feels like home.  It is comfortable, big enough that we are not all on top of each other, small enough that I don't feel overwhelmed with cleaning it and the neighborhood is so peaceful.  I absolutely can't wait for the kids to see it.  I have sent pictures with every change I have made, but I really think they are going to love the place.  My oldest son has been very helpful and I am so pleased that he has decided to stay living with me and his younger siblings, for now.

I could not of done any of this without my best friend.  He is the most amazing support.  You know, that best friend that doesn't let you pull any BS.  I need that in my life.  He makes me feel stronger than I thought possible.  He believes in me and I am forever grateful for him.

I'm looking forward to this new chapter in my life.  Surrounding my children with love, support and positivity is our new path.

No Tomorrow

Only bringing each other pain and sorrow is the reason why there isn't going to be a tomorrow.  I had accepted that this was my doing, my decision, even my fault.  Then I was slapped in the face with the reality of why I felt the way I did.  I knew I should of trusted my instincts.  How many years have I wasted trying to make it work when he had already decided I wasn't enough?  Feeling like an idiot is not even close to how I am feeling.

I can't promise I won't cry about this anymore.  I can't even promise that I will get over it.  I will, however, walk away and never look back.  A friend reminded me today that I am a scorpio.  Perhaps it is time to go back to those simple rules.  The difference?  I have an amazing support group.  I may have to lean on them more than anyone is use to, but I do have the luxury of having them.

I do not feel strong today.  I feel like I have been hit by a truck.  My mind is full of memories that seem untrue.  My heart is full of pain caused by the lies.  This is what creates those unhealthy walls people walk around with.  I will not let this break me, nor will it effect how I live moving forward.  I have found my reason to let go.  After talking with my kids, I can't find a reason to hang on.

Telesis

Telesis.  Do you remember this word?  It was in a major commercial years ago.  I remember thinking it was a very odd commercial.  I can't even remember what the commercial was for or about.  What I do know is that Telesis means "progress intelligently planned", per that commerical.  Don't worry, I have a point.

I need to know what the opposite of telesis is.  I am making tremendous progress, however I have no plan and certainly not an intelligent one.  I'm thinking that this is normal.  Who plans to suddenly become single at 40?  Not me.  For years I told my mom that I would never get married.  I already had a son, at 18, and in my head it worked like this......when is is 18, I am 36......SCORE!  My exact words to my mom was "marriage is death".  Looking back, how rude was I?  My parents are still married, ugh.

When I did decide to get married I fully intended for it to be forever.  I would not of said yes had I thought any differently.  I had been proposed to twice before and knew it was not "the one".  Clearly something went wrong.

A couple of months ago my 10 year old daughter asked me if I would want her to stay in a relationship like my marriage.  I am always honest with my children, I honestly said no.  She was right.  I don't want to be that example to my daughter.  She deserves a better role model.

Without any intelligent plan, I decided that it was time to do what makes me happy.  Every day is a struggle. Every night is long.  Yet by the end of this I want to be able to say I thought it all through and made positive progress.  That is all the telesis I need.

I remember.......

I remember what I was wearing and what he was wearing when it happened.  The moment was electric, like nothing I have ever experienced before in my life.  No words were exchanged, just a long stare the expressed more than words could possibly.  The passion, the desire, the love......all so incredibly overwhelming.  Overwhelming in the most positive way.  

Passion was something that I had put aside, really feeling that it was something I would never experience again.  I had talked to many friends that had convinced me that it was completely normal to lose that in a marriage.  In their opinion it was not for lack of passion, it was simply something that no longer fit into family life.  Although I had accepted it as gone, I in no way believed it was the way things "should be" or that it was "normal".  

Desire comes in many forms.  I can close my eyes and imagine how desire use to feel from inside of me and coming from another to me.  This tells me that at some point in time the desire was strong, almost unstoppable.  I refuse to think that this is another emotional need that simply disappears over time.  

Love is an emotion that consumes you in most amazing way.  Passion and desire is wrapped up into love.  That being said, how can passion and desire go away if there is still love.  My conclusion?  Relationships are work.  Lets all stop making up excuses as to why these things are gone and put the work in.  Isn't the object of your live worth it?

Courage is what I have found in myself when exploring these feelings.  It is necessary to give 100% to every relationship, as long as you remember the following:  

If your relationship scale is heavy to one side, maybe it isn't the right relationship.  You are worth feeling those positively overwhelming emotions. 

Tunnel Vision

Have you ever felt like the dark tunnel has no end?  It has been years since I entered this tunnel of the unknown.  I was totally unprepared for the amount of ups/downs and twist and turns this tunnel contained.  The most recent fork in the road has led me into a new direction, still unknown, but I swear I can see the light.  I am moving forward, yet it seems like the light is the same distance away as it was yesterday.

If you didn't know this about me already, I do not have the best grasp on patience.  I'm more of a "lets make this happen" kind of girl.  I'm also a decision maker.  I don't like to sit on the unknown and hope the arrow points me in the right direction.  I gather the information I need and boom - ready to make a decison.  I will be the first to tell you that I don't always make the most popular decision, but I do make the most positive one.

Maybe that is the light I see.....positivity.  I know I feel it - in the changes I have made, in the people I am surrounded by, in my job and with my children.  So, no matter how dark this tunnel may seem I will continue to push foward.  Not only because I want to get to the light, but because I want to share in the light.

Romance

I didn't think it was a romance until now.  I knew there was chemistry, love and a strong connection; this just seems to good to be true.   You know what they say about things that seem to good to be true?....... whoever "they" are, were wrong.   

This connection is not without its challenges, yet for some reason we both seem willing to take each challenge on, together.  Never has another person made me feel so empowered, like I have a support group of one, "the one".

The best part?  We teach each other things and the other is totally game to try and to learn.  A man that says "I can work on that", who knew?

I literally feel myself thinking those cheesy lines "you complete me" when we are together.   How incredibly lucky am I that some crazy woman, or women, didn't treat him the way he deserved or love him the way I do?  Counting my blessings is an understatement.

Why do I think this is romance now?   Because neither of us were looking for each other.   We meet people everyday and I remember the day I met him.  I remember thinking "what a teddy bear", the first time we met.  The second time we met I somehow found a way to spend extra time with him,  watching fire works.  It was years before we began to really talk and somehow he became that person I could trust with anything and everything.   He never judged me,  he never mistreated me and most important (to me) he never hit on me.  

I'm positive that I have loved this man far longer than I have said or admitted.  It is a very special romance when your best friend becomes your lover and never neglects their best friend duties.