Big Picture

Breaking the limits isn't as severe as the response.  Sit back for a moment and review the "big picture".  Does this warrant a strong, verbal reaction or shall we pick our battles and let this one pass?  Being a believer in handling things as they come I have been working on this very thing.  My extreme dislike for the "ignore it and it will go away" attitude has provided me with an enternal struggle with this very thing.

I recently learned this about myself.  I have been so stifled by the opposite way of handling things that I am overly sensitive to it.  This may be obvious to others, but it truly wasn't obvious to me.  I can literally feel my walls go up when I feel this type of situation.  What is the result?  Poor, fierce over-reactions that can have a very negative impact on my relationships.

I suppose at my age I know what I want, need and even require.  I need to remind myself that not everyone functions the same way that I do.  I have been fortunate that the important people in my life understand me and accept me.  Still, now that I know this about myself I am convinced that it is a behavior I can better.

Halmark Moment

Having a Halmark kind of day.  Just about everything has put me on the verge of tears.  I don't understand how I come off such an incredibly fulfilling weekend to feel this way.  Perhaps if I gave it a bit more thought I would realize how uncertain some things are.  I have been doing my best not to do that.

If I allowed myself to have more profound thoughts I may drown in all the emotion.  I realize I need to go through all of these feelings, however I would really prefer to take on one at a time.  All of my adult life I have been the rock in one way or another.  A single mom rock, a friend rock, a wife rock, work rock, etc. I would love to always be that strong, but I just want someone to go through it with me, letting me know it is going to be okay.

Having a new relationship is difficult.  Let me rephrase......the struggles we both have in order to be free for each other are rough.  I worry about him, I worry about my kids, I worry about his kids and I worry at some point one of us may give up.  Then I think about how he treats me, how he talks to me, how he touches me and more simply put how he make me feel; I know this is special and definitely worth all the challenges we are facing and will face.

Clearly he and all he does for and with me shows that he is my rock.

Happy Place

Waking up in my own bed this morning was bitter sweet.  I was so ready to be back with my kids, but having to leave my happy place was difficult.  I have this terrible habit of acting stronger the weaker I feel.  I understand it is my protection mechanism, but it also puts me in situations where I wonder if others remember that I also have feelings and emotions.  You know, those times when you just want a hug, a smile or just some nice words, but they are positive that you are just fine.  

I never thought I would find an individual that knew how to be my friend before anything else.  A person that literally makes me feel good about myself.  More importantly, they make me feel completely loved and accepted.  I can have the worst day, the busiest day or the hardest day and I know they are there for me.  A person I want to wake up with and go to sleep with every day, and I do.  

I spent my vacation seeing frieds and family, introducing my life to him.  All of the things I adore about him are the same things my friends and family saw.  Not only that, but they saw me happy, us happy.  The littlest things were things my friends/family noticed.  How he was always near me or with me, but not clingy.  How he joked with us and included himself.  How he wasn't afraid to tell me know and how I accepted when he told me know.  How he is caring and loving towards me.  What girl wouldn't want those things to be visual for all?

I could not be more grateful to the open arms my friends and family gave him.  They included him, spoke with him, told him stories and just let him be part of it all.  I have the most amazing support system.  At a time when I thought I would be lonely and scared, I am feeling loved and free to be me.  I didn't always know this is what I wanted, but I know now that I deserve it.

Inner Circle

I have been struggling for years with relationships.   Through it all I have found myself with a very strong "inner circle".  A group of individuals that I trust and would do anything for.

TL - talk about a person that I can tell anything to and never feel judged.  A friend that I have known since I was 3 or 4 years old.  We may of lost each other for years, but we have certainly made up for it.  I cherish this friendship and am grateful every day that I have her in my life.

BB - a friend that I met 13 plus years ago.  We have seen each other through some hard times and been there for the births of children.  Nothing gives me greater pleasure than to call her friend.

JK - nothing can come between the two of us.  Not miles, not years.  Seeing her today made me realize how strong a friendship can be. 

Bringing my circle together tonight made me feel amazing.   The love, the stories,  the laughter.   A night I won't soon forget.

I love you guys.

Moods

It is only Monday and the spring in my step has escaped me.  I woke up dreading going to zumba, yet still managed to get up and go.  It was obvious that I was not 100%, apparently, as our zumba instructor jumped off the stage and came over to me, whispered in my ear "just give me an hour".  Needless to say, I continued with a little more gusto but maintained my "ugh" attitude.  By the end of zumba I figured out why I am able to get myself there even when I really do not want to go.......it is pure medicine.  I felt 100% better.  I was still grumpy, not as much as prior to zumba (its medicine not a miracle).

I have narrowed down my negative mood to just an overwhelming amount of things to deal with.  Apparently today my brain and heart are not able to take so much at one time.  You know how you have that one friend that cheers you up no matter what?  I called on mine today.  Let me be clear....I call on him every day but today it was completely from my own selfish need to feel loved, trusted, respected, etc.  As usual, he was able to kick my negativity to the curb.  I refocused my day and here we are.

These next two weeks are going to be rough.  I am training, which means closing, at a few stores, we are having a garage sale with all the things my husband and I have decided neither of us want, and next week all managers (other than myself), will be in Vegas.  So, five stores for me.  Don't be jealous.  I certainly am not jealous.  I am taking a trip as soon as they all get back.  I have been looking forward to this trip for quite some time.  I need this time away.

I suppose there really isn't any lesson in this today.  I will always keep myself moving and getting my zumba on and I will always feel my life with those who share in my happiness.

Yvonne-disease

At the end of each day I have taken a few stolen moments to myself to analyze the day, who participated in it, what developed and if I could of handled anything better.  I have found that I am doing much less reacting. Don't misinterpet that to mean that I do not handle things, I do, just much calmer and sometimes more informed.  

The other Yvonne-disease I have been working on is what I expect from others.  I have had this issue all of my life, in my professional and personal life.  I am let down when others don't function as I would.  It is the recipe for much disappointment.  You see.... I am not very trusting of others.  When I have befriended someone and therefore given them my trust it is important to me.  What I came to realize is not everyone knows that about me.  The bigger issue?  If I do not lay out my expectations in any relationship I am simply setting the other person up to fail.  

Last year I met a person that functions like me.  She is the type of friend that would give you the shirt off of her back, but she also doesn't let anyone walk all over her.  Our friendship started with her and I exchanging words regarding drama that happened in the circle we both were in.  I told her how I felt and she responded to it in the most positive manner I have ever heard or seen.  An immediate trust was built because I realized right then that she wasn't blowing smoke or singing about butterflies and rainbows to keep the peace.  An instant respect was felt. (Lisa, I hope you know this is you)

Finally, I have been working on my anxiety and how I deal with it.  Since I have moved into my own home I have been sleeping really well.  I truly believe that is helpful to my flustered emotions.  I have also been feeding my children an myself better.  Everyone knows that this always has a positive effect on your body. The biggest change is my ability to be open with my children.  They are intelligent and have questions.  I feel incredibly blessed that we have the type of relationship where they know they can ask me and know I will be honest.

All in all I feel like I have made some very positive steps in these first couple of weeks of separation.  I may not always feel as strong as I appear, but I am giving it all I have.

One Day at a Time

It has certainly been a crazy few weeks.  The kids and I are in our new home.  I managed to hang pictures, fix my washer and dryer and even mow my own lawn.  How indepedent is that?  I sometimes impress myself.  Looking at my children gives me great drive and motivation.  Creating a living space with them has brought us all a little closer.  I think it has even improved the relationships between my children.  What mom wouldn't be thrilled by that?

Every day has a new challenge, whether it be something breaking in the new house, emotions hitting one of us at the wrong time or just awkward interactions because we are all in this new adjustment period.  I think the more my children see the interaction between me and their father the easier it is becoming for all of us. The fact that we get along helps also.  I am truly grateful for that.

Sleeping alone has not been an easy transition.  Although I completely enjoy being able to lay right in the middle of my queen size bed, it is a lonely feeling at first.  I decided that is was a comfort thing, so extra pillows have been my friend.  I do love that my room is clean all the time and my bed is made every day.  I have the kids in that routine as well.

We have adopted many new habits that have become routine for us.  No one is arguing about chores, no one is doing more than anyone else and no one is left out.  Keeping their rooms clean has become habit, so it is no longer a chore.  Cleaning up after themselves in the bathroom has become a habit, so it is no longer a mess.  Dishes are shared by Kayla and I, but honestly Kayla does it more, Josh takes the trash out (without being asked) and Justin works and pays rent.  My house is always clean and I absolutely love it.  Maybe I have taught them a little bit about taking pride in what is theirs, crossing my fingers.

Don't get me wrong, I struggle every day.  I have been blessed with a very strong support system, a wonderful job and parents that amaze me with their love daily.  All I can do is take one day at a time, try not to react before I have thought things through and remind myself about all the positive in my life.