Scattered

My vision is completely blurred - I can't see in front of me or behind me.  I strongly dislike when I let myself get here.  I have planned so carefully, done all the right things and yet I am still the one getting the push back and pain.  It's as if they can't even see what I have done for them in the past few years.  Not only did I hear all they had to say, I acted on it and protected them from as much as I could.  I was patient, through all of it, I was supportive, loving and available.  What part of that was wrong?  Should I of set a limit on what I would do for them?  I can't.  That would mean not being me.  What do they want?  expect?  I am at a complete loss.  I am unable to even form sentences with any real meaning.  I, of all people, can't explain how I am feeling right now.  I don't understand it enough to know how to fix it either.

Mid-blogging I get a messages out of the blue from a male best friend of mine just reminding me that he loves me.  I asked him how he knew I needed that and he said he just had a gut feeling.  That is a friend.  He has absolutely no idea what I am going through today but once he knew I needed him - he stayed.  A friend with a true understanding of friendship.

That is the answer for today.  I am not blocking anyone out anymore.  If there are people that want to be part of my life and are a positive source then damn it - they can be.

My Birthday

It never fails that I am sick on my birthday.  This year it is just the sniffles; I can totally handle that.  I've been preparing myself for this time of year - the holidays - and it seems I have failed miserably.

It always starts with my birthday.  I think my kids hold in their fighting as well as they can all year, saving it up for the week of my birthday.  They can't even walk by each other without saying some snide remark to each other.  I know, I know...siblings do that, but there is a dramatic difference this time of year.

This is my first birthday since the divorce.  Although I have the most amazing man in my life I have this horrible, lonely feeling.  The weather right now is not helping either.  It is 37 degrees out, you guessed it, perfect cuddle weather.  Sadly I lay in my bed typing this with my 12 year old daughters dog under the blankets with me.

I decided to focus on the positive, not because I thought of it, but because my loving boyfriend told me that was what I needed to do.  Tomorrow, my birthday, I will work, however I will start my day with my zumba family.  We will dance joyously and then share a wonderful breakfast together.  The only thing that makes it better?  Mimosas, yes plural.  I will get through my work day - these are the days I am so thankful that I love my job.  Then tomorrow night - hockey with my girlfriend.  We planned this a while back and I am really looking forward to it.  Just describing that makes me feel silly for feeling low.

Saturday I have a couple of appointments and then my children and I are going to check out the new movie theater in town.  I am sure we will catch some dinner and who knows what else.  Sunday we will spend at home.  My moms birthday was two weeks ago and I was sick so I plan to cook her dinner and, of course, watch football.  Overall - a pretty nice weekend.

I wish...with all my heart that I was going to spend my birthday weekend with my boyfriend.  He truly makes me enjoy ever moment.  Instead I will be mindful of what we have, share every second we can and look forward to the birthdays we will have together in the future.  I waited 40 years to find this man - I can wait a while longer for my big picture to be reality.

Let it go...

There is a space in my heart that was empty for a long time.  This area was reserved for a best friend, a person that I had no question would do anything for me as I did for them.  For years I rented the space to a person I was very close to, a person I called my best friend.  Over those many years I was told many negative things about my best friend, asked many times how I could trust her and even found things out on my own that should of drove me away.  I thought I was taking the high road by practicing what I preach and forming my own opinion of her.  During the years that we were best friends I lost many friends not allowing myself to believe she could of been lying to me so dramatically and for so long.  There was even a time that her own sibling warned me off of her.  Still - I made the decision to be there for her.  

I have let that relationship go.  I was hurt directly for the final time a few years (to the day) ago.  Now that I look back I would of fixed the relationship again had I not called my old therapist.  He has the greatest way of telling me indirectly and allowing me to feel I am coming up with the resolution myself.  Although I felt like I had a whole in my heart for a very long time - in the long run I have found there is so much less drama in my life.  As an adult I allowed my best friend to put me in situations that were very dangerous, and as an adult I blame me for that, not her.  I was perfectly capable of saying no, leaving, making another choice, whatever.  I am tremendously grateful that we were never caused any negative actions in those experiences.

Many people that knew us as best friends have asked me if I think we will ever make up.  The answer, for me, is easy - no.  No, I do not want to bring that type of negativity back into my life.  I also don't want to rehash all the things she did, it doesn't fix anything.  When you find a person that knows exactly what to say to each individual in their life it is because they have rehearsed it.  They have convinced themselves that they are that person, even when they are not.  That type of person will also never find happiness because they don't allow themselves to be who they are.  They act the part associated with the person in front of them. For that I feel sorry for her - it must be exhausting and empty to be an actress every day, all day.  

I will forever love the friendship I thought we had.  That best friend area of my heart has been filled with the most amazing friendship I have ever experienced; a give and take, honest, sincere, loving, caring relationship that is far from anything I ever thought was possible.

Do You Regret?

Do you regret?  I have been asked that many times in the past couple of years and I never had an answer. Inside I knew I did not regret but was unable to explain what it is I do feel.  I would look at my children and know that without them I would be a lost soul - they are my heart, my soul, my life.  I look in the mirror and I see a woman that was strong enough to say her happiness mattered.  I took control of my life and gave myself permission to live.

So - no I do not regret.  I may feel disappointment for many things.  I can promise you that I learned from each disappointment.  I may feel sorrow but that sorrow is no longer for myself.  I may be dissatisfied with where I am in certain areas of my life, but giving up is no longer an option.  I may experience discomfort in certain situations due to some of my decisions, but I own each and every choice.  The biggest is worry - I tend to worry about those I may of effected while coming to my resolve and I am working on that.

I am under no delusion that life will now be this 100% happy place.  I am, however, promised another day every time I wake up and all I can is my best each and every day.  Like any human I can have brief moments with lapse of good judgment; I take those moments as time to think, re-evaluate and sometimes to just refocus.  If we don't give ourselves these instants to learn how will we ever grow into the person we love when we gaze upon them in the mirror?

My best friend reminds me every day what he sees when he looks at me.  I know I will never see what he sees but I am willing to try every day for the rest of my life.

What If?

I knew he was coming to the funeral and found myself very nervous about the reunion.  It was already problematic that my best friends ex husband was going to be there.  I was certain that I could handle the situation and would do so graceful simply due to the occasion in which we were all attending.  We all became close friends in high school, some of us kept in touch, others did not.  Our friend deserved our support after losing his mother.  I had some wonderful memories of his parents; after hearing of his mothers passing I knew I would find a way to be there.

This day was bound to be full of drama; pushing forward was the only option.  The closer we got to the gathering the more nervous I felt.  I would be fine once I got past the initial hello and scanned the room for others I may know.  I stuck close to my best friend and just smiled back at people.  I even stole a few moments with my dear friends father.  Other than my own uncles I am positive that he is the only other man to call me princess.

I made the mistake of keeping my phone on me and as "he" got closer he was texting me.  The build up of anxiety was deep.  The last time I saw him I think I was pregnant with my oldest son and that was in Target. He has a wife and family, I have a husband and family - this can only go one of two ways - we no longer enjoy a friendship or we rekindle our friendship.

They arrived and his wife walked him in to meet everyone.  I felt her eyes on me, so I smiled and introduced myself.  She didn't even try to crack a smile.  I kept it short and moved on so others could step in and meet her as well - looking at my best friend the whole time.  Just as quickly as she came in, she left to take their children somewhere.  "He" was left there to mingle with group.

Even in the movies it seems like that man has not aged and the woman has.  I felt as if that was the case here. I felt he had not changed and I knew I had.  The history of our friendship is what I would call the most outrageous roller coaster.  No matter what we had always been there for each other.  Wait!  That just reminded me that I saw him after my oldest son was born because I gave him a car so he could get back and forth to see his kids at a time when he and his wife were separated.  That very well may of been the last time I saw him before now.

I found myself trying not to meet his gaze the entire afternoon.  I was comfortable in the memory of what we were and the choices we made to end up where we were today.  We took shots as a group in the kitchen, we took pictures, we laughed, we reminisced - it was beautiful.  After handling much unneeded drama from a few of our group we all took some time to just sit and chill outside together.  It was then when he caught my gaze; I could see how happy he was to see me.

This single event began a series of events that led to some questionable decisions in my life.  You know that desire to know "what if"?  The years of building up what it would be like to be with that person?  The insanity of thinking we may of gotten it wrong?  Did I?

My Man

Sitting in my room alone today I found myself with visions of him.  I know he is the one I always needed, I have no doubt.  I tried to write down all of the ways I would describe him to others and clearly there isn't anything negative about having this man in my life.

Strong - Many people see this word as meaning physical strength.  Although he is a very hunky, strong man that is not why I use this word for him.  He has an inner strength that exceeds anyone I have ever met.  His strength runs deep.  Whether he is protecting himself, his family or his love - he is the strongest man I have ever known.

Positive - You know how you always have those people in your life that see the good in everyone?  He goes above and beyond that.  He believes in others, he sees the good in all and he believes in honest intent.  He simply shines his light on things and shows me the good in it.

Caring - Everyone has those people they care about, but this man opens his heart in a way that is rare.  He puts most people before even himself.  He has made many decisions in his life that were purely for others gain, not his own.  He also gives the most meaningful hugs I have ever felt.

Intelligent - I love to listen to him talk.  Now don't get me wrong, I listen, but I honestly do not think it would matter what he was saying.  He makes me see things differently.  He educates himself in the things that effect him - his job, music, weather, spiritual lessons, etc and he excels in all areas due to his mind and how it retains what he needs.

Honest - I have been told the majority of my adult life that I am brutally honest.  I have never taken that as a compliment until I met him.  He is honest is the most sincere manner.  He, unlike me, is more careful about what he says, but he always means what he says.  He will not lie to you for his own gain.  It is like he is speaking directly to my heart.  The best thing?  He isn't afraid to tell me NO or that he thinks I may be wrong, etc.  Anyone that knows me knows that I don't take that well, yet this man can say it in a way that does not bother me - not to mention I listen to his side and take it all into consideration.  His honesty has made me more open.

Handsome - His eyes paralyze me.  I could literally look at him all day, not just because of how he is looking at me but because I truly find him to be the most attractive man.  There is no standing or sitting next to him without touching him.

Loving - Many people would put this in the same category with caring, I disagree, it is totally different.  When I hurt, he hurts.  He allows me to be me, completely.  He has taken the time to get to know who I am better than I even know myself.  He holds my hand through every day and is always there to catch me should I start to fall.  His love is my shield.

Protective - This man would literally take a bullet for me.  He guards not just my body, but my heart like it is his own.  He sees it as his job to take care of me in all the ways a man should and even in ways most men don't.  I feel safe with him - like he would never let anything happen to me.

Adventurous - I have not decided how much detail I should give on this one; I will say this - I have never craved a man more in my life.  Not just sexually (although that is VERY true), I crave his voice, his hand in mine...  He is willing to explore the world with me in a way I have never had the pleasure to enjoy.  No matter what I want to do or try he will listen, give his two cents and try with me.

Trusting - Throughout my almost 42 years I have had many friends, but I have never trusting anyone the way I trust him.  I have told him more about me than anyone, ever.  Not only does he listen, but he hears me and retains the information.  He does not judge me for my past, present or future.  I know that my heart is in good hands with him.  I trust him with my entire self.

Spiritual - We both want to explore more of our spiritual side and he allows me this freedom.  I have spent many years hiding what I feel to make those around me comfortable.  With him I can explore who I am, what I feel, what that means and what that means for us.  We can read the same book and discuss it.  He can calm me like no one ever could.  I feel him.

A Great Father - For all of the reasons above he is clearly an amazing father.  He gives 100% to all of his children.  He loves them unconditionally.  He treats them with respect and gives them room to be their own person.  Even with my children he gives love in a way that feels comfortable and safe.  Being open with them and sharing himself.

Everything I ever wanted or needed in a man is inside of him.  He has shown me things that I did not even know I was looking for.  He is everything to me.  I wake up to his love and I go to sleep with his love.  It feels wild and sometimes even lusty; yet I have never been more sure of anything in my life.  I want to run instead of walk, I want to sing instead of hum, I want to laugh instead of just smile all because this man fills my heart with so much joy, love and happiness.

Meeting Henry

I remember meeting him and feeling rude because I did not realize he went to the same school as we did.  He introduced himself and laughed as his little sister jumped on me.  My girlfriend and I had been babysitting his siblings as well as another families children.  It was my friend, Patricia's, job - I just came along to keep her company.

His name was Henry, he was in the same grade as Patricia and I.  I didn't recall ever seeing him around school.  We were all juniors in high school and he obviously did not run in the same circle as we did.  I am sure that sounds just as stuck up now as it was back then.  He hung out with us for a while and then took his siblings home.  I didn't think anything of the encounter.

The next week at school I noticed him in the halls and returned the hello he gave me.  My friends and I were pretty wrapped up in our own worlds, not paying attention to much else.

The next weekend Patricia was unable to babysit for Henry's sisters so she asked me if I could do it.  I, liking money, said it wasn't a problem.  I enjoyed the little monsters and we had a good evening.  At the end of the night Henry came home from work and that was the end of my babysitting shift.  He went into his room, changed his clothes and then sat down on the couch.  We made small talk and when I said it was time for me to go he asked if I would like to go out with him sometime.  This is where I am sure I will make myself sound horrible, but the truth was promised.  I sat there for a minute, almost shocked that he asked me out.  I was shocked because our circles were very different.  My circle was more of the popular group and his was the newspaper staff, smart kids.  Realizing that I had not answered I quickly agreed, gathered my things and left.

Heading home I was consumed with thoughts about my friends and what they may think of this "date".  What had I gotten myself into?

Half a Heart

I am overwhelmed with emotions today.  I have the strongest desire to reach out and strangle a man that had no effect on my world until he hurt one of the most amazing women I know.  My bestie is quite possibly the most level headed, strong, loving and beautiful human beings I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.

We met as small children, I honestly don't know how young I was but it was before I even began kindergarten.  We are six years apart, so as children that seemed like a million years.  As adults it means nothing.  I can thank Facebook for bringing her back into my life.  When we reunited it was a quick transition back into the best friendship.  We were both in similar places in our lives and found it easy to share with each other.  I can honestly say there have been many times in the past few years where I would of felt completely alone had she not been in my life.

As new single women we found ourselves traveling the same road and feeling just as sure and ify about it.  I can tell this woman anything and not feel judged, not because she has been there or done that but simply because she cares about my happiness.  There has never been a stronger, more dedicated supporter of me. She often gives me the strength to follow through with decisions I feel alone in making.

A man stole her heart at a time in her life when she was open to the experience.  It was a scary, difficult road to take, but she jumped in with the promise they had.  She clearly had a profound love for this man and honestly I felt he had the same for her.  They both made some big decision and moves to be together.

My bestie and I took our girl trip this year without our men.  This was not what we wanted to do, but how it turned out all the same.  During the week we were gone there must of been some interaction between her man and his ex.  When we returned he was a totally different man.  The way he spoke to her, lack of interaction and just odd behavior.  My amazing friend could see right through this behavior.  Unable to get him to communicate in an adult manner, she sat back and gave him space.  Why?  Because she is that loving, respectful person I described earlier.

Long story short - this man (which is a very nice description) was still unable to release her with words.  He simply could not fess up to his actions in her absence.  Why would you maintain this relationship for almost 2 years, move out on your own, take trips with her and introduce her to your child and meet her family if you were not going to give 100% to make it work?  Now all of these people are involved, children are involved - what type of man does that?

Listen...I am aware that I am protective of her due to our friendship, but any man with half a heart and some balls would of handled this differently.  Just as you have expectations, we have the simple expectation that you can handle yourself in an adult manner.  My biggest regret is not seeing through you earlier to keep my friends heart out of your hands.

My Story

I suddenly understand why individuals take time off when they decide to write a book.  You know - shut out the world and just concentrate on their writing.  I have had all of this information in my head for years but somehow writing about it makes it all real again.  It feels almost like reliving it all.  The emotional toll it is taking on me was completely unexpected.

You know what is crazier?  The detail that comes back to you.  The clothes we wore, the mood in the room, the feeling inside, the smells around you - I had no idea I had such a complete memory of my past.  I truly thought that I had blocked it out.  The more I write the more I remember; the more I feel.

Many people have told me this will be great therapy.  I agree - I just have to convince myself I can do this; let myself feel all of these emotions that I was so happy to leave behind.

I know I have mentioned before that no one knows all of the truth about my past.  I hid it for many reasons, the most important being that I did not want anyone to hate the father of my child - more directly - I didn't want my child to hate his father.  Now that my son is an adult I feel as if I can express these events.  I find myself carefully wording things to protect others in my book; don't worry - it will be edited many times before it is completed and every time I remember more.  I have decided the only way to do this is 100%, therefore I am going to share all, even if that means embarrassing myself.  The reality is - these things happened to me, I made these choices and it is my story to tell.

It was Henry

The alarm was screaming at her to get up, every nine minutes for the past 36 minutes.  She had stayed on the phone with Robert well into the morning hours - not just to feel safe but because they enjoyed each other so much.  He had the softest voice that calmed her.  She was certain that he did not grasp how severe the situation was yet he was willing to do whatever he could to soothe her.

Yesterday had been a rough day.  She had found a new daycare for her son and he started there today.  The place came highly recommended and with the help of the police department she was able to keep this information away from her sons father, Henry.  Finding a daycare was hard enough and she had additional conditions; including she started work at 5 am.

Determined to get through the day she dove into work immediately.  At 5:10 am her phone rang, like it did every morning.  Robert began work at their California facility at 5 am also.  She picked up and could hear something wrong in his voice.  He asked her "have you checked your voicemails yet this morning"?  She has reports that have to be done first thing in the morning and had not checked her messages.  Her stomach was already turning in anticipation of "why" she needed to check her messages.  Robert took a big breath "Babe - Henry left me twelve voicemails last night.  Each message is stronger and more threatening.  I have to report this to our security and they will take action from there.  Please check your messages and do the same.  Call me right back".  She still had the phone to her ear, trying to digest what was happening.  She had one voicemail from Henry and all it said was "see you soon".  She personally felt it was a threat, but no one else would see it that way.  She called Robert back; as they were talking her other line rang - it was Henry.