I Am The Answer

It is so easy to fall back into old habits.  I am learning that I have real triggers that push me back to who I was "with him".  I find myself not liking who I see in the mirror, giving up on my healthy road and filling myself with self doubt.

Anyone that knows me will realize how odd this is for me.  I have allowed myself to love me again, I have no issue staying on my strict, healthy road and I am a pretty confident person.  My lonely struggle to make everything right for my children has hit me hard in the past month.  Add to that the news of my mothers poor health and I am immediately on overload.

You know what wall I continue to run into?  It is the wall of me refusing to ask for help when I need it.  It's as if I do not realize I require the help until I have fallen so deep, I become lost.  I become so focused on making sure no one sees my pain that I convince myself it isn't happening.

I am going to ask a favor from my readers.  If you see a change in my writing or notice a negative tone - call me out on it.  Send me a message, comment on a blog, whatever - just don't let me sink back down into a pit of UGH.

I deserve to work on me.  I am entitled to happiness.  I can live a life that is free of fixing him and concentrates on me.  I am not responsible for him.  I am responsible for me.  I am my children's teacher.  I am the answer.

For Reals This Time

What a change a day makes...

I woke up this morning with the same damn headache I have had for the past week or so.  I knew I had to find a resolution for my children when I am on vacation, Mondays are always a busy work day and I wanted to shut my phone off.

The morning started perfectly; I wish I could start every morning the way today began.  I got up, got myself ready for zumba and work.  As I drove to work I was racking my brain for options for the kids.  I landed at work and got as much done as I could before heading to zumba.  Zumba - I really feel like the time I spend at zumba should be considered a support group.  When I let my Divas know what was going on they were all so supportive.  Some of them were offering their time, some were offering ideas and others simply gave me the positive.  9 am hits and we are off and dancing; this has got to be the best feeling in the world.  No matter what is going on, when that zumba music starts my body says "ok" and goes.  Sadly, 10 am comes to soon and zumba has concluded for the day.  On our way out I get more positive, supportive words from my crew.

Back to work I go in what I thought was a much better mood.  Yes, I said "I thought".  As I drove between stores I began to cry.  While I was at zumba I could not stop my brain from spinning and I could feel my blood pressure rising.  Unfortunately, I get a horrible pain in my left arm when my blood pressure rises, so I am completely aware when it is happening.  I continue my drive wondering what is wrong with me that I am crying, alone in my car.  Just then - my phone rings.  I look down and see "Steve Zumba" on my screen.  It was like my zumba friends could feel my need.  Well, it was nothing that profound, he just saw me pass him on the road and decided to reach out.  It was the perfect moment to rescue me from my own thoughts.

I am still searching my brain for solutions for my kids.  I get to my 2nd work stop and I am greeted by the most amazing women.  I knew long ago that I worked with some of the best people and friends ever.  The owners of the company I work for have cultivated such a family atmosphere that some of us actually function like family.  I give my two family members the short version of my ordeal.  I asked one of them if she could help and guess what happened?  Between these two beautiful, loving and caring women they are going to take turns being at my home with my children.  I have never felt so grateful in a single moment ever.  Not because I get to go on my vacation but because I have family that stepped up, in a manner that made me feel like they offered, not me asking.  An enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders, head and life.

I decided that I would go to therapy alone today, instead of taking my daughter with me.  I had so many things to discuss that I have not exposed my children to yet.  The whole, dad isn't going to help with his own kids when I'm gone and the health of my mother.  I filled my therapist head with the whole of what I was looking at.  I have never met a person, who is not my friend, that understands me the way she does.  I was allowed to bleed out all of the issues.  Leaving therapy I realized that my headache that I've had for so many days was weakening.  My eyes were no longer crying for my sun glasses.  Best of all - I was in a much better mood, for reals this time.

Lacking Trust

I may of convinced myself not to rely on or trust anyone, anymore.  Don't believe me, just watch...

I divorced a man after 15 years of marriage.  I did not divorce this man because I did not love him, I divorced him because he did not love anyone, including himself.  He was a my way or the highway sort of person. Not because he was controlling, but because he is always right.  He was stuck in a world that only made sense to him.  He had "logic" to back up anything and everything.  Another persons opinion was wrong.  I believe that negates the who purpose of having an opinion.

I prolonged my separation from this man because he was so ill.  A treat of suicide was enough for me to put aside all else and find him some help.  He, of course, thinks that was the wrong thing for me to do as well.  However, he is now alive and on medication that helps him deal with his day to day struggle.

This man put my children through emotions that no child should feel from a parent.  The feeling of being worthless, unloved, stupid, etc.  He resorted to name calling and raising a fist to his early teenage son.  Hear me when I say - he did not do these things because my son was doing something horrible, failing or even getting into trouble.  He did it all simply because HE was right and wanted that validation from his children also.  Who tears down a child to build themself up?

Regardless of all of this (and I realize this is the short version) I still pushed for my children to give their father his parenting time; to go to his house every other weekend.  I noticed early on that my children pushed back on these visitation weekends.  I could not make them understand the importance of this relationship with their father.  I decided I needed help and took my children to therapy.   Do you know what I learned?  I learned that he does not know his children.  He thinks they are to young to have independent thoughts.  He thinks I sit at home and posion the "dad" pot.  My children are angry.  It gets better - do you know why they are angry? Because I taught my children that they are always allowed to speak their minds.  That does not mean they can argue, it means they are allowed to say their peace.  I also taught my children that parents aren't always right.  I have, many times, had to go back and apologize to my children for one thing or another. Between those two life lessons my children had built a wall of hate towards their father.  One day he just shut them down.  They were not worthy.  I can't fix that for them or for him.

I recently arranged for their father to stay with them when I went on a girls vacation with friends.  I could of asked any of their friends, their grandparents, whomever but I thought maybe under the safety of their own roof he could have some solid, positive interaction with them.  Guess what?  He canceled that today.  His reason?  The kids are mean to him.  When will he be the adult?

My conclusion - he prefers to be alone.  He does not have to like anyone, interact with anyone or be an adult.  What he does not realize is that he just gave up having relationships with all three of this children; now and when they are adults.

Read My Week (weak)

I literally can't form a single thought to focus my writing today.  You really could read that two different

ways, so let me explain.  I have had so much go on this week that I can't narrow down my brain to one single subject.

My normal, drama free zone (work) - was not that this week.  Although it is my personal challenge to expect less from people; I can sometimes build up a hope.  I may not even be aware of the hope until it is completely destroyed.  I am allowing myself some time to explore this weeks happenings so I can let go of the hurt, disappointment and sadness.

My children, my happiness - over all had a good week.  Two of my three have colds this weekend.  I had worked out with their dad for them to go to his house this weekend on Saturday night.  My teen son had plans and couldn't do it and my youngest, daughter, ended up with a horrible head cold.  Even without those things there were bitching all week about having to go.  I am so drained from being the middle man between them and their father.  From him I don't see enough effort and from them I don't see the acknowledgment when he does make effort.  I understand both sides and I try so hard to push them towards their father, but at some point it is going to be up to all of them to bridge the gap.

Best part of this week is I am getting to spend some time with a couple girlfriends that I completely trust.  I don't have to watch what I say or how I say it.  It is an open arena to be me, be free and be accepted. Exactly what I needed at the end of this week.

The two things I am not going to talk about today are my parents and my love life.  These are the things that weigh the heaviest on me right now.  I am going through every emotion you can think of and I just can't put it all into words yet.  I can say this...I love my parents and I have truly felt loved this week.

One last thing - I have been asked a few times about my blog and where I get my material.  For the new reader it may seem that I jump all over the place, but that is exactly what this forum is for me.  I have written for years so I have poems, short stories, songs, recipes, etc that I have wanted to share.  I am writing a book and I sometimes insert blubs from it to see if there is any interest.  I also just go with my gut sometimes and write what is highest on my list of thoughts for the week.  There are times when I start writing about one things and it turns into something completely different than I originally had planned.  I am a person and I have a lot to share.  I truly hope that something I have written about catches you and keeps you coming back to read more.  Those of you that have reached out to me in one fashion or another - thank you.  It means more to me than I could ever express.

Why?

He married her for her independence.  He loved that she was with him because she chose to be, not because she needed someone to take care of her or her son.  She had a good job, a new car and a place to live. Somehow her love for him and her decision to be with him made him stronger, more secure in who he was.  

They shared many things in common; the most profound being the burns they both acquired during their childhood.  No one can understand the torment a child goes through when they are different.  They bonded over these memories.

Their families were so different.  His seemed close but so surface.  Hers was close and shared all family events together.  His family was "ignore it and it will go away", her view was "lets handle this now".  He was incredibly calm, almost emotionless.  She was spicy and full of spunk.  

Oddly, this all came together for them.  He adopted the things he loved about her and she pushed for him to be closer with his family and hers.  He became more social.  True - she made the friends and her enjoyed them (well, most of them), but it all fell together so nicely.  

Funny how she can remember all the beginnings; but not where it went wrong.  To pin point a moment, an event or even a why...seemed impossible.  

Tyove

The feeling was new.  So new that describing it was difficult.  Strength did not carry the whole emotion, loved did not express the depth and safe was an extreme understatement.

Strength described only the actual act of being strong.  Did it clearly define how powerful, tough and indestructible it was?

Loved was to small to carry the weight of it.  It may express desire, affection and even fondness but did it have a heavy enough meaning?

Safe was the over all security of it.  The freedom of danger, risk and even injury.

None of these things precisely clarified the all embracing feel.  Had they stumbled into something so fresh, new and special that it could only be defined with their word?  Tyove.

Lets call him D

I have legally been divorced since August 12, 2015, I have three children, a full time job and a life of my own.  For a very brief amount of time I thought I would date.  I felt like everyone found out I was single and, as I said to my friend, someone must of put an ad in the paper that said I was single and clearly included my phone number.

During this period of time I spoke with a man that was 9 years older than me and seemed like a decent human being.  I had no attraction or even desire to date him, but I did not mind the idea of meeting new people.  When I was out with a female friend of mine we invited, lets call him D, D to meet up with us.  This single event should of been enough for me to know he was not capable of being a friend in my life.  He could not find us and began to text very nasty words and even used profanity.  Eventually he did find us.  He hung out for a while and then we all went our separate ways.  Neither myself or my girlfriend thought much of him. Here is the kicker; he sent me a text saying hanging with me gave him a "chubby", who speaks like that at our age?

Several times since then he has asked to meet up and clearly has no concept of a single mothers life.  Today was my limit.  He asked if he could come over and watch football with me.  I, of course, said no because I am not bringing anyone I don't know and/or trust around my children.  I did say that I was willing to go on a walk, as I was planning to do so anyway.  Our schedules for the day did not line up and I, again, was this horrible woman that broke a date.  What?  I accepted no such date, I gave no intention of wanting a date, I have zero desire to date him and he is a pushy ass.  Yes, I did tell him I thought he was a pushy ass.  What did he say?  He said that I had let another good man slip through my fingers and I no longer had to worry about his pushy ass.  Was that suppose to punish me?

I am trying so hard not to let this experience keep me from meeting new people.  I still am not available to date, yet I love meeting new people.  I have found some amazing people out there and am truly grateful for that.  It is moments like this that make me want to stay home every night.  I won't allow that overwhelming emotion to rule how I move forward.

Thank You Kelly B.

Taking back my life is a process.  I am saying that out loud for my own purposes.  I have to remind myself that it can't all happen over night.  It feels like I find out something new about myself every day.  A very special person in my life, Kelly, dedicated "Fight Song" to me a couple of months back.  Since that day I have listened to the song every day before I go to bed.

That small expression of support has held me up, moved me forward and kept me strong.  During a divorce you learn so much about yourself and the people that share your life.  I have lost friends, strenghtened friendships and found support in unexpected places.  I was so busy the past several years trying to prove I'm alright that I lost track of who I was and who I surrounded myself with.  This facade I created gave the outward appearance that I was always strong, independent and OK.  I wasn't.

When I married my husband it was forever.  The fact that I am the one that filed for divorce did not mean that it was easy for me.  It meant that I was finally pushed to far.  I would of stayed in my marriage forever had two things not happened.  First, my 10 year old daughter was cooking dinner with me one night and asked me "Mom - if I was with a boy that treated me the way Dad treats you would you want me to stay with him"?  Although I did not have the ability to answer her in that moment; it really made me think.  What was I teaching my daughter?  The second thing was the actions being taken against my children.  There was a point in time when I couldn't leave the house without getting a phone call from my children.  The dark negativity shadow was taking over my entire home and hurting my children.

It was those two details that shocked me back into reality and made me realize that I needed to protect my children...I still had a lot of fight left in me and I would use it all to keep them safe, healthy and happy.

To Life Coach or Not?

A while back I was working with a life coach.  Prior to meeting my life coach I thought it was a waste of time, waste of money and basicially a bunch of bull.  The life coach I met changed my view.  What he pointed out to me was that I juggling more responsibilities, pain and negative relationships than one would ever wish on their worst enemy.

I have heard this a few different ways in my lifetime but let me run them by you:

-  Do you have any relationships that continue simply because you reach out to them?

-  Have you found yourself excluding other friends for the happiness of another?

-  Do you have a person in your life that seem to always complain?

-  Do you have a person that is a "one upper"?

-  Do you have a person that immediately points out the negative in any situation?

-  Do you have a person that makes everything a competition?

-  Do you have a person that lies to make themself look better?

-  Do you have a person that doesn't support you in your life?

Really think about each of these things.  What I learned during the process with my life coach was heart breaking.  The two most negative people in my life were my best friend and my husband (now ex's).  As I dug into things deeper with my best friend I found out more and more that I did not know.  I reached a point of no return; a place and time that I knew I could never look at her the same or trust her again.      

As for my husband - I tried, tried and then tried some more.  I discovered the reason I felt the way I did about myself was directly related to how I was being treated.  I knew that was not the person I married and made every attempt, numerous times to explain it to him.  There were even times I thought he heard me.  In the end I realized that the love that I had for him was not enough to make him love himself.  In the end it was more about him wanting to be right then wanting us to be happy.

With the two most negative influences on my life gone I have made some incredible strides to better my life.  I have found joy in the people I surround myself with.  I have dove head first into a job I love.  I have devoted even more time to my children.  I have learned to take care of myself, by myself.  I have created stronger bonds with each of my children.  I have learned to love not only others, but myself too.  I am in control of my life and I love it.

I found it!

I have been very careful not to give to much information about my personal life on my blog for several reasons.  The number one reason was me trying to be respectful to those that were offended or less than supportive of my writing in the first place.  I don't think I need to do that anymore.  It is my life, my blog and my choice to express myself in the fashion I prefer.

It has been years since I really let myself sink into writing.  I never had the support to allow myself the time to write.  That was the nice way to say it. I really felt that those who should be my biggest fans were the ones totally against me writing.  As I sit here now and think about why that may of been - I clearly do not understand.  Wouldn't all of us support a friend, family member or spouse in anything that they felt so strongly about?  

I never claimed to be good at writing; but it often served as my therapy.  There are things that have happened in my life that my parents still do not know, my brother and sister do not know.  I held onto these things for way to long.  The first person I ever allowed into that part of my brain at all completely let me down.  He didn't understand it, care to hear it and certainly never supported my writing outlet.  That led to my emotional prision.  I have never let anyone that close again, until now.

I have found something that I didn't know existed.  I found a person that supports me in all I do and want to do, lets me be exactly who I am, loves me for who I am and is, indeed, my biggest fan and best friend.  I often talk about bottling what we have because I do not think the majority of the world even knows this type of relationship is possible.  Having someone that knows me better than I know myself.  Although I haven't shared everything yet, I know I can and I know that I will be heard.

You know that person that knows exactly when to respond, when not to respond and exactly what you need in that moment?  I have it.  I found it.  That person that will work through everything because you are just as important to them as they are to you.  That individual that doesn't let you shut down when that is all you want to do.  That support that lets you lean on them even in their weakest moment.  That heart that completes yours.  That soul that you never want to be without again.    

I am positive that you will learn more about this person and our connection throughout my upcoming blog installments.  Please be open to what it is - we all deserve it.

Vague

I strongly dislike when I have to much time to sit and think.  Yes, I am an over thinker.  Usually I can avoid it because I am simply to busy.  This weekend I decided that I needed to just give myself some time to work on myself.  It was a long, emotional week and I just needed to reset.  

I go on vacation in 18 days.  This vacation has been planned for a year, even so, it has changed quite drastically and that put me in an insecure head space.  For those of you that know me - I rarely am in that frame of mind and it bothers me when I am.  I have some very real decisions to make and I am not sure I can do it.  

A very good friend of mine reminded me today how much they care about me.  The way he expresses himself to me is profoundly different than any man that I have ever met.  He is able to tell me how he feels in real words; words that make me listen.  Granted he does not know my entire situation - he so easily finds the words to make me feel important and heard.  

I sat on these words for a while today, just trying to decide how I feel.  I can honestly say that I am no clearer now than I was two days ago.  I do, however, feel like I have seen some realities.  I do not like all of these realities, but I see them.  The positive that I see?  I am a good mother.  I am a good friend.  I deserve to be happy.  I can love and be loved. 

The next few weeks will be filled with difficult decisions, but I truly believe it will all work out.  

Note:  I am completely aware that this has been a pretty vague blog for me.  I promise the picture will come clear to all of you as I go through it and share.