If They Fall

I remember sitting in my room, my parents had added the bedroom in the garage for me and really allowed me to make it mine.  Walls were white, carpet red and everything else black, red and white.  I enjoyed having my own space.  I do not remember what the argument was about but I clearly remember the break up scene. I got home, hoping my sister was there, and ended up alone in my tears.

Looking back on it now it seems so dramatic and unrealistic; yet when we are living it the world seems to be crashing down on us.  I have had to use those emotions to relate to my children in the same circumstances. The fact that I know they will be fine and its very rare that you marry that high school love interest does not help them.  Validating their feelings and giving them the time and space to explore it for themselves is clearly good for all of us.  

I always make the joke that my children tell me everything but I would not have it any other way.  I love the fact that I know their friends, their enemies and what is going on with them.  I'm not crazy - I know there are things that they do not share with me.  Somehow knowing what they do tell me eases my mind.  

Exploring life, love and learning is a difficult road for anyone.  Having the open door policy in my house has kept all of us close.  My children learned years ago that I do not lie.  There are times when they utilize that fact.  Those are usually the same times I say "it's none of your business".  The other thing that I believe has made us the fabulous four is my kids know that I have no problem saying I'm sorry or I was wrong.  This small fact changed how they viewed me and how they fostered the relationships we have today.  

As parents we don't know it all, but we know enough to allow our children to feel.  Giving them that freedom opens up so much more for them.  I am not saying let go.  I am saying ease up the reigns - we can always pick them up if they fall.

Adulting...

Have you ever found yourself in a strange situation?  One that is totally out of your control and a bizarre reality to being with?  I have never had to deal with this specific type of ordeal.  I feel like I don't really want to deal with it now either.  This is no reflection on the other people involved, I simply don't have it in me. Anything that seems hard becomes a very low priority for me.  With this case - it is unneeded and very unwelcome drama, therefore I am wanting to walk away - fast.

Tell me why it is that women that are not involved in your life suddenly feel the need to cause chaos for no other reason than they are lonely and miserable on their own.  I am not sure what bothers me more - those women giving the rest of us a bad name or the fact that misery loves company is true.  These are the times when "brutally honest Yvonne" wants to come out and set things straight.  When did I become this "think before you act Yvonne"?  My adulting, yes that is a verb, is annoying me.

Instead of making things ugly for this poor soul that obviously needs a life of her own, I am going to keep my blinders on.  That is the only way I am going to be able to avoid the creation of chaos. I pray my lack of reaction will quiet the crazy.  If not I will have to keep her out of my picture.  Sadly, that will effect others but I am unable and completely unwilling to let that sort of negativity in.

My plate is full, my head is heavy and my heart is busy trying to figure the rest of it out.  I choose to be happy and that is within my control.

Lyrics

Usually I don't think twice and I trust my gut; however I just can't shake this one.  I continue to over analyze every word that was said.  The words I said and the words that I heard.  Did I hear it correctly, did I mean everything I said?

Convinced that this type of relationship does not happen but once in a life time, if we are lucky, I feel compelled to thoroughly review it all before I make a final decision.  So, I lay here on the floor of my bedroom, staring at the ceiling trying to organize my thoughts.  

The decision I lean towards is wildly unsupported.  Obviously, those who know me, that does not really effect my decision making; however when you hear the same thing over and over again it is difficult not to hear it clearly or not take it seriously.

The fact that we have held on this long baffles me.  Clearly there is something there, right?

I heard these words today "so glad we made it - look how far we've come now baby".  Granted I am one of those people that listen to the lyrics, still today I heard these words loud and clear.  I sit back now looking for a sign, anything to point me in the right direction.  Something that provides that strength and clarity to make a decision.  I am not sure what this sign looks like, but at this point I believe it should be a significant movement forward, a clear gesture that we are strong and together in this.

My final lyric of the day:

It's no secret that the both of us
Are running out of time

Don't let it go you guys.  Grab on, with both hands, and fight for what you want and love.

Positive JuJu

There are many days when I question the time I put into my writing.  Not because I do not enjoy it but because I let my mind wander...is anyone reading this, can anyone relate to this, is this therapeutic only?  It seems like every time I am reaching my limits of "why am I doing this" someone throws me a bone.  Today was one of those days.

An old friend that i literally have not talked to since I was in 8th grade reached out to me.  He has found himself on a positive path and found my words helpful, relate able and positive.  Nothing fuels me more than someone feeling my words.

So, thank you for reaching out to me and providing me with the positive juju to keep moving forward.  I am grateful that you took that moment to share with me and I will continue to share with you.

My Friend, Sarah

I met her in a zumba class.  I remember thinking she was very quiet, of course that is in comparison to me and my friends, not quiet.  It took a bit of time before we began talking but once that occurred we were fast friends.  I have never met a more loving, caring or patient human being.  You know that saying that "they would give you the shirt off their own back"?  I literally think she would do that, for anyone in need.

Being that I am the older of the two of us you would assume that she would learn much from me, but I am serious when I say that she has taught me so much about myself.  During and after my divorce I had the tendency to try to hide from the world.  I went to work, then home and that was about it.  My friend, Sarah Murphy, didn't allow me to do that.  She planned our walking dates, dinners and included me in circles I was not part of.  I am positive she would not see this as a favor, but it was.  She didn't allow me to hide and get lost in feeling sorry for myself.  She spent countless steps listening to me babble about that weeks drama.  In the calmest, most open way she gave me exactly what I needed...a friend.

It has been many months now that I knew I would eventually lose her to the big city, Denver.  For some odd reason she wants to live with her husband, who does that?  Is this normal behavior for young people today? All kidding aside - I saw it coming, but that does not mean I have to like it.  Sarah has the most wonderful husband.  I am so happy that they will get to start their new lives together in a new home and new town.  No two people deserve it more.  

As I told Sarah - her moving will give me an excuse to get to know Denver, spend more time there.  It is no secret how special she is.  I am going to miss so much about her:

-  Our funny talks while she makes me dinner

-  My niece (her dog)

-  Someone knowing how I feel without me saying it

-  Random flowers, cards or gifts 

-  A non-judgmental ear

-  That laugh - I love her laugh

-  The great influence she is on my daughter

-  The reminder to get to our physical trainer

-  Someone laughing at and with me

-  Watching her ass in zumba

-  Watching her flirt with our zumba pals (Jean - lol)

-  Planning events (ya, we rock)

-  Shopping partner (introduced me to dress barn)

-  Most of all...just seeing her face, she literally brings a smile to mine

Sarah - I can't promise I won't cry when you leave, but I promise it will not be long before I see you again. You are an important part of my life that I intend to keep intact for many years to come.  I love you.

V-Day

Valentine's Day was a struggle for me.  I have never loved the holiday but I have always had someone to spend it with.  At some point yesterday I let myself get overwhelmed with negative feelings and cut out the world.  In my head I was thinking I just needed some time alone to figure out what my need was; I just felt lonely and empty.  The more I sat alone the worse I became.

I wish I could narrow down why the holiday bothers me so much.  I do not have a horrible Valentines Day story to share.  I don't have a horrible man that neglected me on that day.  I don't even have a time when the holiday went by without me feeling loved.  Realizing I was just being crazy I pushed through the holiday.

To avoid future negative Valentine Days I gave myself some help.  I must learn to recognize how much good I have in my world.  I am concurring so many dreams, my children love me, I have a job I love, friends that stick by me and most of all I have people in my life that are never afraid to tell me how important I am to them.  I feel supported, every day.  I need to bypass the head space where I allow the little things pile up on me.

Years ago my ex-husband and I decided we would only put out the energy to those that did the same to and for us.  I am going to return to that practice as it was the healthiest way to weed out and retain the right people.

It Clicked

I remember exactly when it all clicked.  I asked him his opinion on a project I was asked to participate in. His words meant nothing yet so much at the same time.  Was it so hard for him to say something nice?  That really wasn't even necessary; simply knowing me the way he does he could of just answered yes or no. What was I thinking?  It has been years since he was able to say something nice to me on his own.  In that moment I felt like I was in a movie; the flash backs just kept coming into my mind.  All of the things I was not allowed to do, the lack of support and the struggle of him not allowing me to do something that was just mine.

Maybe someday I will thank him for showing me who I did not want to be.  Perhaps thank him for making me fight for what I want and feeling the passion for those things once again.  For to long I focused on all of the years that I lost instead of realizing it isn't to late.  I'm grateful that I was able to pick up where I left off and find a road that works for me.  Between my body and my mind I have never been on a better path.  A path that is mine and mine alone.

I admit that I jumped into many things at once - I truly did not think that my blog or my songs would take off the way they have.  I thought I would just continue on my path hearing no and being ignored.  Positive feedback came more quickly and as scared as I am - I am ten times more excited.  I have been wanting to go back to school and cement those letters behind my name.  Well, I started class yesterday, so in sixteen weeks I will be ready to take my PHR certification test.  I have been asked by a photographer in Denver to do make up adds, what he calls face an skin shots.  I had to draw the line here.  I am not that girl that looks at her own pictures and loves them, so it was rather easy for me to decline the offer.  Not to mention with 3 kids, a full time job, working out 5 days a week, writing and school I believe I have a full plate.

The best part is my energy level.  Aside from being sick right now I have been feeling wonderful.  The personal trainer I am going to has this fantastic ability to push me without really pushing me.  It is exactly the type of support I need.  I can motivate myself, but having someone plan my work outs has been perfect.  I am now eating breakfast most days and my energy is through the roof.  I am even sleeping better.  What else could I ask for?

Talking to my sister today really got me thinking about how others must of viewed me during my divorce. We were in very similar marriages.  Our situations not understood or realized by others because of how "strong" we seem.  It is time to stop protecting everyone else and time to do what feels right for me, no one else, just me.  I close tonight with one final thought for you...are you allowing yourself to be the best you?

My Journey

I waited so long.  I hid all of it from everyone.  I did not want to seem weak or look like a victim.  I took care of it in silence for years.  It all back fired on me.  Hiding my situation just made me look like a fool when it all blew up.  No one understood.  I realize now that I have been protecting him still, for 23 years now.  It was never my intention to protect him.  I saw things differently than others.  I did not want this horrible vision of my sons father.  More than that...I did not want my dad to know and therefore react to the things I had gone through and been subjected to.

Writing my book has brought out so many emotions.  I have had so many old memories hit me that I find myself overwhelmed by it all.  The positive in all of this is that I am starting to understand myself more.  Since that time in my life I have not been very trusting of others.  I have even been guilty of dropping relationships simply because I thought the other person was ready to do the same.  I have kept relationships that were unhealthy and/or uneven.  I worried more about how I was seen than what I saw in the other person.

For years I fought for my relationship with my then best friend.  I was clearly warned about her from all parties, even people directly related to her.  I remember specifically someone asking me "would she do the same for you"?  At the time I believe I was afraid to entertain that question so I ignored it.  As I sit her thinking about it today - I am sad to say I know she would not of done the same for me.  This friendship is a prime example of why I do not trust easily now.

Searching my past for the story I want to tell has helped me revisit my feelings, my reactions and even my mistakes.  I have slowly been allowing myself to dig deeper and let myself feel those emotions again.  This has provided me with so much clarity.  I knew this ride would not be easy, but I have no doubt that it is all part of my path to loving myself completely.  I don't always love who I see in the mirror every day; however I do love who I am.  If that is all I get out of this journey - it was worth it.