Over Think Much?

I had not given a lot of thought to what it would be like, how I would feel or that if would effect me at all.  I am a human, I need space, just like anyone else.  I keep myself busy, even outside of my children.  I feel as if I am a decent person and strive to be as fair as I am able. Yet the weekend was long and I realized it is not an easy transition to share my children.  I know that they are his children also.  I am complete aware that I am doing the right thing by giving him the time to build relationships with his blood.  Sadly, I struggle.  My heart feels heavy, my head a mess and my anxiety through the roof.  Don't get me wrong, I trust him with our kids, I just have some work to do on how I react to less time with them.

There are many people out there that won't understand what I am saying at all.  There will probably be others that think I am selfish.  I'm not.  I'm not even going to change anything.  I just need to find a way to deal with the motion that comes with less time with my kids.  I told myself on Friday that it would give me all kinds of time to write, however this particular weekend I found it to be a huge undertaking to just not sit there and cry.  My middle son, 15, asked me the other day if I wanted my older son, 23, to move out.  The first thing that went through my mind was he must be thinking about it and talking to his siblings about it.  I know, I know...I will still have two others at home so it is not an empty nest, yet it tug at my heart in a way that hurt.  Again, don't be fooled by my crazy - I am SO proud of my son and the fact that he is in a very strong place to move out.  He and I have a connection not many would understand.  We were alone for a few years when he was younger, so we have a thick, unbreakable bond.  He is the man of the house right now.  He has always served as a protector for me as well.  I don't really understand where that came from because I have always been visually strong.  Perhaps he remembers more about our past then I realize.  At first I thought he stayed living here to be close to his siblings, however as time has gone on, I think it is about me.  He understands that I feel more comfortable having a man in the house.  The idea that I may have to have that conversation with him is difficult for me.  I do not want him to put his life on hold for me.

Now that I have thrown all of these words onto paper I see that I was way over thinking everything this weekend.  Truly, I know I will be able to share my children without having this empty feeling inside when they are not with me, until then I will just continue to remind myself the obvious - they deserve a relationship with their father, not to mention he deserves that time as well.