I have decided that I can't change what happened. I can only move forward learning from this unfair process. I have let go of the untrue hate and even released the hatred towards those who interfered in my life in such a negative way. I know it was a control issue; a way to get what they needed instead of what I wanted. The tears I have now are only caused by the disbelief that others need to create this drama and madness to make themselves the center of attention.
I remember the day my life coach told me that my best friend, at the time, was the most negative relationship in my life. How did I not see it? The need to feel so important out weighed any real relationships she had. The build up of lies must be exhausting. How does she keep it straight? I physically become nauseated by the thought of some of the memories I have. Worse than that - the things I found out after I released that friendship horrify me. The positions I was put in were sometimes not just dangerous but scary.
When I first began blogging more seriously I avoided this subject for many reasons. I did not want my children to know these awful things about a woman they considered, I did not want my parents to view her poorly, I did not think it was necessary and I was still in a place where I did not want to hurt her. I am not in the place anymore. This is my story to tell and I need the closure. No one will completely understand because they do not know the relationship. Like I said, this blog is not for anyone but me.
I had a major, almost relationship ended, fight with my male best friend due to one of her lies. I was destroyed by a lie that she asked a family member to keep from me. I woke up places with strangers due to situations she put us in. I lost a childhood friendship because of her actions. I never got to know someone that I truly thought could be a good friend of mine because of her lies. I was very close to losing the love of my life because of her lies and drama. I, for years, had to overlook her jealousy. I have multiple situations where she either lied to keep me from a friendship or decided since someone was interested in me she had to involve herself sexually with them. One of the worst things was straight up lying to me to get my support in her divorce. The worst was being so jealous of the relationship my sister and I had that she created problems and even used my anxiety issue to her advantage.
I could go on forever with the things I have verified as true since the end of our friendship. I have had to work one on one with several individuals to fix any strain that was created. It was not easy. It has been some of the toughest conversations I have ever had in my life. I was very close to just turning my back on all of them. Instead I gave each of them opportunity to tell me their version, not because that made it better but because that was the only way I could work through it, understand it and perhaps forgive it. I did lose some people due to this chapter in my life, however the ones that I lost never should of been there in the first place. I gave more than any normal "best friend" would do. I over looked more than any normal human would. I allowed the behavior and no longer blame her for that. I had enough information at the time to ask the hard questions. So, all of that is one me. I choose to be free of these toxic type of relationships. No one an protect me from that but me.
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