Responsibility

I could do with a little less stress.  I have not been able to get any writing done.  Even when I find the time, when I sit down all of my words turn into tears.  I have never had so many mixed emotions in my life.  More so - I have never felt so much disappointment in my life.  I feel like I am being punished for being the honest person who is unwilling to let others walk all over me.  Peoples ability to not only lie to others, but lie to themselves scares the hell out of me.  These are the type of minds that are unpredictable.  I try so hard to think that perhaps they really have that poor of a memory that they are unable to put all of their "stories" back together.  Then their actions prove me wrong yet again.  I think the reason they became so angry with me was because I did not back down.  I did not conform to their expectation.  I lived the truth.  On top of that I caught them in their own lies.  Once they said those things out loud they were simply unable to recover.  I am not going to take responsibility for their ill effect on all of us.  I will, however, take complete responsibility for getting myself and my children through this - ending in an even more positive place. 

I choose me

I always assume I am at fault first.  They know me so little that they don't see that I have been through all the emotions and dealt with all of the feelings that were unsettled due to their lack of communication.  As I pondered the past 11 years and all of the most recent events I found peace in it all.  I can't change them.  I can't make them be better people.  People who tell the truth, love unconditionally and give just as much as they take.

It is clear that they are upset that I called everyone out on their behaviors.  They did not own anything they did, even the things they admitted to they retracted later.  It is very unsettling that a parent can dislike their child so much.  I knew I should of just sucked it up and moved on, but I could not let go of the anger handling it that way.  It was my error in judgment to think that everyone was capable of adult conversations with honesty.

I am no longer looking to just let go of the anger, I have worked through all of that.  I have seen where I failed, where I could of done better and even what I did completely wrong.  As an adult I am accountable of all of my actions.  I cannot change the things that happened, but I can certainly learn from them.  I will never allow another to fill my head with so much negative that I can't imagine a positive.  I will not look back on these years as a loss any longer.  I see it now as many valuable life lessons.  I am grateful to see clearly and even more grateful to no longer feel imprisoned by others.  I am responsible for my life, no one else.  I choose to love.  I choose to be loved.  I choose to share love.  I choose to be happy.  I choose me.

My Truth

I have had to remind myself several times this week that I am a grown up and do not have to allow other peoples issues include me or effect me.  As much as I would like to fix situations and people; the only thing I can really control is myself.  Even with that it is difficult for me to walk away without understanding the behaviors.

I took the time to deal with my demons.  I have faced things I still don't understand.  How do they misunderstand something that simple?  Are they truly that concerned with being right that they can't have an adult conversation?  I no longer care who said what, who is mad at who or why anyone did anything.  I just want it known that I know and I choose to move on.  I no longer want to carry the anger.  It is unhealthy and exhausting to constantly feel that low.

The more I think about the past the more of the puzzle I put together.  My anger has changed into simply feeling sorry for them.  I am surrounded by love and support - they stand alone in the world they created. In the back of their minds they know where this began.  Well, honestly I think she does, but he is only aware of her side of anything.  I get it.  It is his job to protect his wife.  I would expect nothing less.

I had some amazing friends pick me up this week.  I think my lucky stars that I am now in a place where I can think logically and am prepared to deal with these things.  I was able to hear their words this time and understand what I could and could not do, for my sake, my health - not for anyone else.  I rarely make decisions based on only myself; it was time.  I even made a promise to my close friend that I intend to keep, forever.

The amount of tears I shed this week was immeasurable.  Through it all I never felt alone.  The partnership I share with my fiance is the strongest connection I have ever felt.  He, some how, knows exactly when to listen and exactly when to talk.  When he does talk he says exactly what I need to hear.  Never is it judgment, just strong, supportive words full of love.

For the record - I am aware that I am being pretty vague in this blog.  This is NOT how I usually write and will not be how I continue to write.  I am still processing the events of this week.  When I have it all clear in my head I will pour it out in my normal fashion.  I will not sensor myself to protect anyone.  I started my blog for two reasons - I love to write and it is an outlet for my truth.  I am not asking everyone to agree with me or even like what I have to say.  I just want my readers to know when they see my words they are real and true.

Strong Enough

Some days are much harder than others.  Today was one of those days when I could of cried at any moment.  I felt alone, sad and unsupported.  I kill myself trying to find out the core of these emotions; it just brings on more tears.

I learned long ago that we are unable to control others but when you think you understand someone only to be proved differently - it hurts.  One small fib makes you question everything.  Doesn't that seem unfair? Trust - a lifetime to gain and a moment to lose.

I have decided that even in this case I am not going to give more than I am getting.  I can't.  I will not stand by and wait to be hurt again.  I rather be wrong and protected than right and destroyed.  It's your turn, your turn to hold my hand and feel my heart with happiness.  Your turn to tell me how important I am to you and your life.  Your turn to be strong enough for both of us.

Unmatched

I walked into this trip with an entirely different outlook than any of our past trips.  For almost three years we have been respectful of everyone else, only depriving ourselves from completely giving ourselves to the relationship.  I have to be honest - there were plenty of times I did not think that we were going to make it, but we always found a way.  This past weekend made what I believed become my reality.  He is my everything - my biggest fan, my lover, my partner, my soul mate and my very best friend.

From the moment he showed up this weekend I felt complete.  I was happy and so ready to share him with my family and friends.  He allows me to be exactly who I am and loves me for it.  He fit right in and joked with my family.  They were all so warm towards each other.  It truly made my heart full.

Some of the smallest things we did made me the happiest; going to the store, playing cards, donut run for the family and watching baseball.  A man that enjoys the sport the way we do.  It was my own personal heaven. Better than all of that though?  Spending time with his mom and brother.  I have never felt so welcomed.  I am positive that his mother can see exactly what we feel.  She is like a constant hug and I love it.  The absolute best thing?  Falling asleep and waking up with him.  Never have I felt so warm, so safe and so loved.  He speaks to me without words; in a language that is only ours.  

With all of this said...I am so glad we had this time together.  Although I enjoy being with everyone else I am completely satisfied with the alone time moments we get.  Whether we are driving down the road, getting ready for bed or just sitting in the same room - he fulfills my every want, need and desire.

My head is spinning with the things we have coming up and all the firsts we will do together.  I love seeing him happy, I love seeing him grow, but most of all I love watching us take on the world together.  Our strength is unmatched.  I have never seen or experienced anything like it.  Yes, I am putting this in writing - I have found my life partner and I cannot wait for everyone to see us become one.

Honesty

There is no hiding even when you are walking through the dark.  He feels my every emotion and will push to explore it with me.  These are new feelings for me.  I am not even sure what they are or what they mean.  I am not jealous.  I am not sad.  I am not upset.  Yet, I feel low and unsure.  I got it - I feel left out and we share everything.

I tried so hard to just support and live in the moments I do get to share.  This is yet another one of those times when I have to learn to share.  I went through the same thing when I had to leave my children off at their dads house for the first time.  The silence in the car, in the house, in my life for those hours was unbearable.  My children have filled my world with sound for over 23 years, the silence was almost scary to me.

So, a song I heard today pretty much summed it up for me:

Honesty is such a lonely word - we trust each other so completely that we can have those moments of disconnect and allow the lonely to be there, temporarily.

Everyone is so untrue - it does not matter what we dealt with in the past. The people that were untrustworthy and shook our character no longer effect our world.

Honesty is hardly ever heard - we, separate from each other, have been lied to more than we care to admit. We have expressed that to each other and respect that we both expect complete honesty.  

And mostly what I need from you - stepping back from what I was feeling today I was able to remind myself how much I trust that he is always honest with me.  When I look at it with those eyes, it is clear to me that this is just another step in the right direction for us.

They Saved Me

It has been far to long since I have just done things that make me happy.  I believe I got myself to a stage in life where I thought I was simply around to raise my children - make sure they are cared for.  It was almost exactly four years ago when I looked in the mirror and literally hated what I saw.

I was larger than I have ever been and looked enormous.  My face was so big, my cheeks looked like they were going to explode.  My eyes were sad with huge dark bags under them.  My eyes were empty and so sad.  I looked lost, lonely and I felt that way as well.  I sat on my bathroom floor for what seemed like forever crying, wondering how I got there.    I was not happy with any part of me or my life.  The only thing that made me smile were my children.

It was that time in my life that I had a friend, life coach, sit me down and ask me some really hard questions. As much as I disliked the conversation I swore I would answer honestly and completely.  I left the exchange feeling drained and low.  I had answered all the questions, spilled my guts and still had nothing to show for it. The very next day my life coach called me and arranged another face to face meeting.  I heard some of the harshest words I have ever heard from anyone.  The two most negative people effecting my life were my husband and my best friend.  The worst part - it was true.

Years ago my therapist told me that all relationships should go both directions.  Not meaning that if you give in order to receive, but meaning that both parties are participating in the relationship in a positive manner.  My husband and I had used this information every five years or so to evaluate our life and it did end up surrounding us with the right people.  It is not as easy as it seems - especially when you hit the realization that your partner in life and best friend are not contributing positively to our relationship.

I made a plan to first do some things that would help my self esteem.  A friend of mine introduced me to zumba and I was hooked.  All exercise, at my size then, seemed like a chore and I would always find a reason to avoid it.  Zumba was a new animal that bit me hard the very first time I went.  I was not getting much support at home to continue this behavior, but I promised myself I would do it and I did just that.

I strongly disliked myself at that point in my life.  I didn't blame my husband for being so absent in our marriage because I didn't like me either.  I wasn't making any effort to change my condition and I certainly didn't blame anyone other than myself.  I closed off.  Sadly, I started living my lonely life alone.  I did all my mom duties, I went to work and I zumba'd.  This was my life - until the day my daughter (and youngest child) said these words to me that I will never forget and am forever grateful for:

"Mom, if I were with a man that treated me the way dad treats you - would you want me to stay with him"?

I have never heard something so clearly.  No, the answer was NO.  I would not want my daughter to be trapped in the type of relationship I was in.  I would want her to fight to make it better or walk away from it to find better.  It was time to take care of me because, little did I know, that is what my children needed also.