I Matter

I have always been that person that says "everything happens for a reason" and although I believed it, every time I said it, I feel like it was personally punching me in the face this year.

2015 has taught me lessons that I never wanted to learn, brought me pain I never thought I would get over and shown me sides of myself I never knew existed.

I opened my heart to people and situations, with a very protective bubble, and discovered the only way to really experience life is to remove that bubble and just let things happen.  There is no guarantee or promise that it will all work out, so call me risk taker because I flew by the seat of my pants all year.  My walls weren't just let down they were completely broken.  I trusted in a way that was reckless, guess what I got in return; the same - I received the same in return.  I am not going to lie to any of you and say that this equaled a fairy tale ending, it didn't.  It did, however, show me that you will never find out if something is your fairy tale if you do not give it 100% from the get go.  This, by far, was the hardest lesson of my life, so far, but I am determined to see the positive in all of it.  Isn't that how we get our closure on anything?

Pain is no where close to a strong enough word to describe the emotions I absorbed this year.  Opening yourself up to love, life and living doesn't always turn into the happy moments/results.  However, closing yourself off to all of it guarantees you will never know - good or bad.  Why not jump in head first?  I know you are dying to know the results of doing just that.  This is what I know.  Had I not jumped in head first I never would of found out who my best friend is, I never would of felt an unconditional love, I never would of found myself sacrificing my own happiness for someone else and I would of never had my heart completely broken.  Don't be sad in that moment because the best part was realizing as much as it hurt, it didn't kill me.

Learning new things out about myself is something I find odd at my age.  Not only odd, but not all things are easy to accept.  I, for years, allowed others to dictate what I did and did not do.  Those of you that know me find this just as crazy as I do.  I can no longer blame others for things I did or did not do.  I allowed this to happen to me - no one else is to blame.  What ends up happening to me is that no one takes my feelings into consideration because I am the "strong one", they ol' don't worry Yvonne will be fine.  I know it is hard to believe but I have a heart and feelings too.  I can be hurt, I can be sad and I am a new pro at crying.  Let me be clear and say I am not upset that i went through those things, I'm upset that the people that I thought me best are the very same people that disregarding my heart in the first place.

I have made many decisions this year but the biggest; I am me - take me as I am or please just walk away because I will no longer sacrifice my person for you.  I matter.

Without Him

Who knew that opening the mail could be so sad?  I wasn't walking with blinders on, but this felt like the biggest hit to the heart.  I never would of done this for anyone else, ever.  It was a true sign of what it all meant.  I feel like all my innocence is gone.  Any wide eyed hope of the forever demolished in one blow.  I can't believe I let my heart change my mind so many times.  Why wasn't I happy with my space, alone?  I wasn't looking.  I had easily shied away from advances in the past.  I just couldn't walk away from this one.
I am not sure what hurts more - the feeling of not being someones everything or being told you are when you aren't.  When you share everything you are with someone only to find you will never be enough.  He was the last one I ever thought would hurt me to this degree, in this way, this deep, this forever.

I have been trying to find the lesson in all of this and I just don't see one, well, not a positive one.  Should I never trust again?  My walls are up  and they are thicker than before.  Is there a way to dig out of this low place?  I feel the love and support of my friends and family, but nothing eases the pain.  I can't even imagine letting someone know me like that again.  Just as he knows me better than anyone, I know him better than anyone and did what was right at the time.  I could no longer live in the unbalanced relationship.  Truth is I was his forever, he just wasn't mine.  You have to be willing to give as much as you get to exchange forever. You have to trust in what is, not what can be.

This is the first time I have been able to write since the incident.  I still feel numb, like I am walking through the clouds alone - unsure of anything.  Didn't he know how much I loved him?  Obviously not or I would not be here right now living life all wrong - without him.

Shelf Life

Well - my light bulb finally shined bright enough for me to see the whole picture.  I was highly disappointed in what I saw and felt, however once you see it for yourself it is much easier to make the healthier decision.  No one else can make you see it through their eyes and we certainly do not learn our lessons through others experiences.  I constantly told myself not to allow others to be in a place that made me seem like an idiot, but I did that pretty well on my own.  I do not think that I was pretending but I surely was not living in reality.

I scarified more than I ever received credit for.  I was more patient than any woman would EVER be.  I was a better friend than they deserved.  I was more honest than any person could strive to be.  With all of that I was also more vulnerable than I have ever been.  I fear that is what led me to where I am today.  Don't worry - I refuse to let this situation change who I am.  When I give - I give completely, when I love - I love fiercely, so this is just a set back in my life.

I could let this be a lame excuse to close off but the love I have been shown these past two days has kept my heart open.  This time it was not just my loving zumba family, but many friends that reached out and shared their vision of me.  I can't explain how much words can save a person from falling.  A wonderful connection of mine told me that I just don't see what others see when they get to know me and look at me.  They were able to put it into words that made me feel their virtual hug and warm my heart.

So I have taken my heart off of the shelf for now, but I am open to whatever comes my way.

I'm Learning

Is there some sort of class I missed on how to handle adulthood?  Sitting in this meeting today I felt like there was something he knew and I didn't.  Like I missed the joke or was unsure of the conversation content.  The look in his eyes wasn't lust or want - it was more curiosity or something...something I missed completely.

I agreed to this meeting at first because it was a connection that pointed him to me.  Out of respect and honest curiosity I thought it only fair to entertain the conversation.  I arrived and he was waiting outside for me.  We exchanged an awkward "do we hug or do we shake hands" moment and from that laugh the ice was broken.

It has been many years since someone has shown such interest in my background and knowledge.  Not only did he seem interested but he understood what it took to have the knowledge base I have.  He also knew what an asset my knowledge was to his team.  He quizzed me on tax, small business and HR.  I felt like the most intelligent person, especially by his responses.  There is something to be said for someone not only appreciating your background but being impressed by it.

So - although I was just as impressed by him as he was me I do not think this will be a fit for my family.  I love my job now.  I love what I do and who I do it for.  I struggle with green team members but have learned to let them learn in their way.  I will forever have the challenge of my expectations of others as I take any failure as a team failure.  I will do what is asked of me, be grateful for a job I love and utilize the time I have outside my job to follow my passion...writing.

12 Hours

No one can do it for me...I know.  I took a minute, which turned into more like 12 hours, to really think about all that is going on in my life right now.  I feel like I give and give and perhaps it isn't seen that way. My problem is I worry about what others think.  In my 12 hours of thought I realized those very people don't worry about me in their equation, so why am I making an already challenging life more difficult?  The answer became so easy it was scary.

Although I cannot go back and change anything I can do what I believe is right in every situation.  The only people I need to take into consideration are in my every day life or under my roof.  My happiness does matter, not just to me but to those around me.

This last week my children experienced what two people in love are like - how they share, communicate and care for each other.  They saw their mother laugh and smile because the man in her life is her best friend.  They felt comfortable enough to include themselves in the transition and share themselves with us.  They felt seen, heard and happy.

I can honestly say that I was not sure how this life would go, but I learned through my children's eyes.  I may of chosen him but they have welcomed him.  It is with a happy heart that I close tonight knowing I am in love with my best friend and will spend every day being grateful for just that.

Scattered

My vision is completely blurred - I can't see in front of me or behind me.  I strongly dislike when I let myself get here.  I have planned so carefully, done all the right things and yet I am still the one getting the push back and pain.  It's as if they can't even see what I have done for them in the past few years.  Not only did I hear all they had to say, I acted on it and protected them from as much as I could.  I was patient, through all of it, I was supportive, loving and available.  What part of that was wrong?  Should I of set a limit on what I would do for them?  I can't.  That would mean not being me.  What do they want?  expect?  I am at a complete loss.  I am unable to even form sentences with any real meaning.  I, of all people, can't explain how I am feeling right now.  I don't understand it enough to know how to fix it either.

Mid-blogging I get a messages out of the blue from a male best friend of mine just reminding me that he loves me.  I asked him how he knew I needed that and he said he just had a gut feeling.  That is a friend.  He has absolutely no idea what I am going through today but once he knew I needed him - he stayed.  A friend with a true understanding of friendship.

That is the answer for today.  I am not blocking anyone out anymore.  If there are people that want to be part of my life and are a positive source then damn it - they can be.

My Birthday

It never fails that I am sick on my birthday.  This year it is just the sniffles; I can totally handle that.  I've been preparing myself for this time of year - the holidays - and it seems I have failed miserably.

It always starts with my birthday.  I think my kids hold in their fighting as well as they can all year, saving it up for the week of my birthday.  They can't even walk by each other without saying some snide remark to each other.  I know, I know...siblings do that, but there is a dramatic difference this time of year.

This is my first birthday since the divorce.  Although I have the most amazing man in my life I have this horrible, lonely feeling.  The weather right now is not helping either.  It is 37 degrees out, you guessed it, perfect cuddle weather.  Sadly I lay in my bed typing this with my 12 year old daughters dog under the blankets with me.

I decided to focus on the positive, not because I thought of it, but because my loving boyfriend told me that was what I needed to do.  Tomorrow, my birthday, I will work, however I will start my day with my zumba family.  We will dance joyously and then share a wonderful breakfast together.  The only thing that makes it better?  Mimosas, yes plural.  I will get through my work day - these are the days I am so thankful that I love my job.  Then tomorrow night - hockey with my girlfriend.  We planned this a while back and I am really looking forward to it.  Just describing that makes me feel silly for feeling low.

Saturday I have a couple of appointments and then my children and I are going to check out the new movie theater in town.  I am sure we will catch some dinner and who knows what else.  Sunday we will spend at home.  My moms birthday was two weeks ago and I was sick so I plan to cook her dinner and, of course, watch football.  Overall - a pretty nice weekend.

I wish...with all my heart that I was going to spend my birthday weekend with my boyfriend.  He truly makes me enjoy ever moment.  Instead I will be mindful of what we have, share every second we can and look forward to the birthdays we will have together in the future.  I waited 40 years to find this man - I can wait a while longer for my big picture to be reality.