Short and Sweet

Waking up with a smile on my face has been few and far between these last 2 years or so.  I was either having nightmares, barely sleeping or not sleeping at all.  The past few days, even when I wake with a headache, I have been waking up smiling and feeling very positive.  It is one of those situation where you do not realize how much you are down until you begin to come back up.  I have a long way to get back up to the top; yet I am looking forward to every inch of the trip.

I am making every attempt to be completely open and honest with everything I write.  It is my intention to let myself feel and clearly communicate all of it through my writing.  I am hoping not only to heal, but also to strengthen my heart, head and self worth.

I can no longer concentrate on what everyone else is feeling; I matter too.

The Day I Died

Writing about the last year of my life, the time since my mom passed, has opened up so much reality for me.  I do not know if any of you have taken the time to look in the mirror and really challenge yourself to look deeply at yourself, but since I have so much more has come to the surface.  Accepting all of this information is difficult.  What I am positive of - in the long run I will be a better person.
It was November 2018 and my family and I decided to rent an RV and drive from Texas to California to have Thanksgiving with the rest of our family.  This was a dream of mine and I was so excited to have this experience with my husband and children.  I single, single handed, ruined this trip.
The actually journey to California was fun.  The time spent with my family in California, was wonderful.  However, I had been suffering from headaches due to tooth aches and severe mouth pain.  My pain was so severe that I sometimes could not even function.  Being in this type of pain raised my anxiety to tremendously high levels. 
While traveling to California I was living on Xanex, Tylenol, Aleve and whatever else I thought may get me through a few hours with less pain and anxiety.  When we got to my moms, I made the decision to ask my mom for some pain medicine, knowing my mom had some. 
I was now taking Xanex as needed and pain medication as needed.  I usually would tell my husband when I took any medicine, for two reasons.  One, I was horrible about taking my actual medicine and also because I did not take Xanex daily so I always wanted to be sure he knew when I did.  Somewhere in the mess of the holiday I lost track of what I had taken and honestly can't even tell you now what I did and did not take and how much of each. 
I remember going to bed that night.  The next thing I remember was waking up in the RV.  I could see figures and hear sounds, but I had no idea where I was, what was happening or who I was even with.  Eventually, I remember seeing my daughter.  She was putting a wash cloth on my head.  I remember hearing my husband.  At some point my 17 year old son was driving this giant RV.  I had scared my husband so badly he was desperately trying to get us home, driving straight through from California to Texas. 
I do not remember getting home.  I do remember waking up in my own bed.
I believe it was a full night before I woke up enough to communicate well with my husband.  I had bit my tongue and my body felt like I had been hit by a truck, due to having a seizure.  I was scared and really sick.  At that point we finally made the decision to go to the hospital.  I am sure you may have figured it out, but I had not - the nurse at the hospital told me that I had overdosed. 
Hearing these words made me cry, hysterically.  I only envisioned this for drug addicts.  How could this be me?  I was not one of those people.  Then, thinking about what my children must of seen when I was not even able to wake up or communicate.  What a hard decision my husband had to make to try to get me home, but not scare my parents or my kids about what may be going on.  The guilt was overwhelming to me.  Not to mention I did not want my mom to know because I KNOW she would blame herself for giving me pain medicine.  We all absolutely know that I am an adult and it was my fault.

There is much more to this.  I have so much more to share.  You will not believe how this has stayed with me and what else it has effected - simply because I was not brave enough to feel.

Drowning In It

I have been living in a dark cloud for well over a year, to be specific, since February 27, 2019 - the day we lost my mom.  I actually do not think it is fair to say I was living; because I wasn't.  I will be honest and tell you that I do not remember days at a time.  I was a robot, walking through each day with blinders on. 
The most horrifying part of this time was I did not realize it was happening.  I was holding laughter, tears, screams, nightmares and much more inside of me.  Unfortunately, I continued this madness for over a year.  I was living with a headache, full of anxiety and completely out of touch with anything real.
I was showing all kinds of signs that I needed help, whatever that may look like.  It could of been someone pointing it out, someone asking or just someone noticing I was not being me.  None of those things happened.  I was losing my temper in seconds, forgetting things, spinning my wheels and (if you know me at all) having absolutely nothing to say.  The one thing people noticed was that I was not communicating as much, but it was not out of love, it was like I was doing something wrong to them.  I was literally drowning in my own sorrow and I was totally alone in it.
As you can probably guess - this put me into a massive tail spin.  It was effecting my business, my home and my marriage.
You are going to find in my blogs that I may jump around subjects a little bit.  This is all reflective of how I am healing.  There are some things I am ready to talk about and some things I am still working on myself.  I am sharing simply in hopes that others find help when/where they may need it.  It is completely possible that you have someone close to you hurting or it may even be you.  Reach out - force the communication; just let them know you are there.  I am not saying it will fix anything for you or for them; I am saying they will forever appreciate someone seeing or feeling their need.  I know I would of.

See you soon...

Losing my Mom - Part 2

The rest of the day felt unreal.  I remember sitting in a conference room, at the hospital, with the rest of my family.  My head was full of what I needed to start taking care of.  My immediate concern was my dad and, oddly, my sister.

My sister had not had a relationship with my mom in years.  She had just learned that she was going to' be a grandma and that is something she was able to share with my mom (moms first great-grand child) when they said their good-bye's.  Yet, my concern for my sister was more about what she must be going through.  I knew I was going to have to mourn my mom, but my sister, I worried, would have double the pain.  She would have to mourn the time she lost with her mom, as well as actually mourning the loss of her mom.  I could not shake that feeling.

In addition, it was just months prior that my mom had sat myself, brother, sister and law and my dad down to go over her wishes and will.  I did not like having the conversation, simply because I did not want to lose my mom.  That was not the biggest issue.  My mom had cut my sister our of everything, other than certain things she wanted to go to her.  My sisters name was not on any life insurance, contact, anything.  Knowing all of the things I was going to have to do, the last thing I wanted was my sister to ask to help and find out that she couldn't because none of the places would talk to her.  This was another huge reason I stayed in "work mode" for so long.

I heard people complaining about me "doing everything" and "taking over" but I just kept moving.  The more I did, the less I had to worry about others feelings being hurt.  I called every life insurance, burial insurance, health insurance, bill collector, bank - anything and everything.  I arranged the cremation, the Celebration of life, flying my three kids in - name it, I did it.  I had to decide that I did not care if anyone was upset with me as long as my sisters feelings were OK, my Dad was cared for and my brother was good. 

I will not lie and say my feelings were never hurt; but I will take responsibility for being in the situation to have my feelings hurt. 

I went as far as to lend money to a family member to make sure they were able to come say good-bye to their sibling.  This is another story, for another day.

Stay with me...

Losing my Mom - Part 1

I had never lost a parent before February 27, 2019.  I was not ready, nor did I know I needed to be.  My mom was my best friend, my closest confidant and the constant reminder, to me, about the person I want to be.

I know a million people have been through this, but I have felt like I have made the wrong decisions since the day I lost my mom. 

I flew in from Texas and was not able to go in to see my mom in the ICU.  It was after hours and we were to wait until morning.  My brother picked me up at the airport and we were driving to his home when we received a call from our father.  The hospital had called and mom was doing much worse.  Then our sister called, who was at the hospital with my mom, and we learned mom had to be "brought back". 

Reality hit quickly, right then.  So many emotions.  I needed to get to my Dad, I knew my mom did not want to be resuscitated and mostly I needed to be with my mom.  It is a blur; but we got my dad and went to the hospital.  The shock of what I saw was unimaginable.  My mom was being kept alive by machines. 

It was that moment that I went into "work-mode".  My sister was unaware of my moms wishes, my dad was not in a place to make these decisions alone and my brother - well, I am older.  I took control right then.  I called the doctors in and asked them where we were.  They verified for me that all they could do was make my mom comfortable.  I then, with my sister and her boyfriend, dad, brother and sister in law, went over moms wishes, verified my dad, brother and sister in law agreed (as they were there when mom went over her wishes with us) with the next action.  My dad looked at me and said "I need you to help me".  So, I did.  I called the doctors back in asked them to go over the process with us.  They would give mom pain medicine, take her off all of the machines and then we were to just wait.

We left the room as the doctor and nurses prepared mom.  I looked around and all I could think about was that mom would love that we were all together. 

We all returned to moms bedside - and we somehow just started telling mom stories.  My moms heart rate jumped up.  I touched her and said "you know we are here mom, don't you".  I have to be completely honest, I prayed in that moment that she would surprise us and come back to us.  Yet, it was just minutes and she, my mom, best friend and confidant, was gone. 

Stay Tuned...

April 2 2020

I have been working on learning how to mourn my mom's passing for more than a year.  Unfortunately, so many other things have been thrown at me during this time that I continue this struggle, however now I continue it alone.  

The blessing?  I feel my mom, every day, helping me focus.  

I have a lot to write about and so much to share.  

Maybe we can all learn from each other in these times.

I am back

Watch for me