The Day I Died

Writing about the last year of my life, the time since my mom passed, has opened up so much reality for me.  I do not know if any of you have taken the time to look in the mirror and really challenge yourself to look deeply at yourself, but since I have so much more has come to the surface.  Accepting all of this information is difficult.  What I am positive of - in the long run I will be a better person.
It was November 2018 and my family and I decided to rent an RV and drive from Texas to California to have Thanksgiving with the rest of our family.  This was a dream of mine and I was so excited to have this experience with my husband and children.  I single, single handed, ruined this trip.
The actually journey to California was fun.  The time spent with my family in California, was wonderful.  However, I had been suffering from headaches due to tooth aches and severe mouth pain.  My pain was so severe that I sometimes could not even function.  Being in this type of pain raised my anxiety to tremendously high levels. 
While traveling to California I was living on Xanex, Tylenol, Aleve and whatever else I thought may get me through a few hours with less pain and anxiety.  When we got to my moms, I made the decision to ask my mom for some pain medicine, knowing my mom had some. 
I was now taking Xanex as needed and pain medication as needed.  I usually would tell my husband when I took any medicine, for two reasons.  One, I was horrible about taking my actual medicine and also because I did not take Xanex daily so I always wanted to be sure he knew when I did.  Somewhere in the mess of the holiday I lost track of what I had taken and honestly can't even tell you now what I did and did not take and how much of each. 
I remember going to bed that night.  The next thing I remember was waking up in the RV.  I could see figures and hear sounds, but I had no idea where I was, what was happening or who I was even with.  Eventually, I remember seeing my daughter.  She was putting a wash cloth on my head.  I remember hearing my husband.  At some point my 17 year old son was driving this giant RV.  I had scared my husband so badly he was desperately trying to get us home, driving straight through from California to Texas. 
I do not remember getting home.  I do remember waking up in my own bed.
I believe it was a full night before I woke up enough to communicate well with my husband.  I had bit my tongue and my body felt like I had been hit by a truck, due to having a seizure.  I was scared and really sick.  At that point we finally made the decision to go to the hospital.  I am sure you may have figured it out, but I had not - the nurse at the hospital told me that I had overdosed. 
Hearing these words made me cry, hysterically.  I only envisioned this for drug addicts.  How could this be me?  I was not one of those people.  Then, thinking about what my children must of seen when I was not even able to wake up or communicate.  What a hard decision my husband had to make to try to get me home, but not scare my parents or my kids about what may be going on.  The guilt was overwhelming to me.  Not to mention I did not want my mom to know because I KNOW she would blame herself for giving me pain medicine.  We all absolutely know that I am an adult and it was my fault.

There is much more to this.  I have so much more to share.  You will not believe how this has stayed with me and what else it has effected - simply because I was not brave enough to feel.