Losing my Mom - Part 1

I had never lost a parent before February 27, 2019.  I was not ready, nor did I know I needed to be.  My mom was my best friend, my closest confidant and the constant reminder, to me, about the person I want to be.

I know a million people have been through this, but I have felt like I have made the wrong decisions since the day I lost my mom. 

I flew in from Texas and was not able to go in to see my mom in the ICU.  It was after hours and we were to wait until morning.  My brother picked me up at the airport and we were driving to his home when we received a call from our father.  The hospital had called and mom was doing much worse.  Then our sister called, who was at the hospital with my mom, and we learned mom had to be "brought back". 

Reality hit quickly, right then.  So many emotions.  I needed to get to my Dad, I knew my mom did not want to be resuscitated and mostly I needed to be with my mom.  It is a blur; but we got my dad and went to the hospital.  The shock of what I saw was unimaginable.  My mom was being kept alive by machines. 

It was that moment that I went into "work-mode".  My sister was unaware of my moms wishes, my dad was not in a place to make these decisions alone and my brother - well, I am older.  I took control right then.  I called the doctors in and asked them where we were.  They verified for me that all they could do was make my mom comfortable.  I then, with my sister and her boyfriend, dad, brother and sister in law, went over moms wishes, verified my dad, brother and sister in law agreed (as they were there when mom went over her wishes with us) with the next action.  My dad looked at me and said "I need you to help me".  So, I did.  I called the doctors back in asked them to go over the process with us.  They would give mom pain medicine, take her off all of the machines and then we were to just wait.

We left the room as the doctor and nurses prepared mom.  I looked around and all I could think about was that mom would love that we were all together. 

We all returned to moms bedside - and we somehow just started telling mom stories.  My moms heart rate jumped up.  I touched her and said "you know we are here mom, don't you".  I have to be completely honest, I prayed in that moment that she would surprise us and come back to us.  Yet, it was just minutes and she, my mom, best friend and confidant, was gone. 

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