Unbearable

I can't take more loss.  

I have always been the type that just barrels through, but this one, this one I can't take.  

I thought losing my mom was hard but this - this is unbearable.  

I replay it all in my head, constantly.  Is it possible that I am truly am in this alone?  Did I learn all my lessons to late?  Did I really hurt him more than he loves me?

What is more crazy is how much I have forgiven, overlooked, accepted - all because of the love I carry.

They don't teach you this in school.  I have given it all I have, spoken all my truth, apologized and acknowledged my wrongs - I am simply not worth it.

God

I am really not sure what I did to deserve this.   Everyone makes mistakes, why am I the only one never forgiven?

It's Time!

You know that place where you may be dreaming or it may really be happening but even you are not sure if you are awake or asleep?  That is where she was.  The feeling of being watched was not going away.  It was like when you need to pee but don't want to get up.  She thought someone was there but she did not want to disturb her own sleep by looking, waking up.  Finally, when she couldn't shake the feeling or fall deep back into her sleep, she opened her eyes.

There he sat, at the end of her bed, cleaning his gun.  Her first reaction was to reach over and check on her son.  He was there, he was asleep.  She was suddenly very aware of her every movement.  She took a breath, gathering her thoughts.  Not only was he cleaning his,gun at the end of her bed, but he was watching her sleep.  He had broken into her room - she always locked her door when they went to bed. 

All she could think of to say was "Is everything OK"?  He looked up from his gun - the look was so calm, yet stern.  What was he thinking?  Her heart was beating so fast.  She was to aware of her heart beat.  It was keeping her from being able to formulate a thought, keeping her from speaking.  He never answered her.  He finished cleaning his gun, put it back together, got up and left the room.  Before he closed her bedroom door he turned around, looked into her eyes and said "Good Night". 

What did he mean by that?  The look in his eyes was so calm, scary calm.  Did he no longer agree to their separation?  Was he going to hurt her again?  Was he warning her?  It was time to make a bigger move.  She knew it.

The Beginning

She already had a boyfriend; she knew there was no future with him.  They saw each other when he came into town, maybe once a month, and they spoke on the phone a couple of times a week.  He had a daughter, she had a son.  He didn't want more children, she did.  She had a career job, he was less than satisfied with his.  With all of this, she knew they weren't going to make it, but when they were together it was like hanging out with her friend, a friend that was just as sexual aroused by her as she was by him.  Chemistry, they definitely had chemistry.

A friend had mentioned finding a boyfriend online.  Now that it was becoming more serious, she was even more curious of what could possibly be found online. 

That evening she found herself looking at the online dating site.  The same site that her friend had spoken of.  Why was she feeling so guilty for just looking?  Slowly she creates a profile and begins to look through the photos and profiles.  She found herself talking to herself out loud.  A little "No", "Maybe", even some smiles and laughs.  A few hours later, still looking through all of these potential dates she came across one that caught her eye just from the picture and headline.  Honestly, there was not anything specific or extra - it was just calling to her.   

She clicked on the profile; she found herself smiling the entire time she was reading the profile.  This guy seemed mature, straight forward and nice.  Is it possible to feel those things simply from someones words?  He spoke of the three C's - Caring, Compassion and Compromise.  Was it that easy?  She must of read it ten more times before she finally had the courage to respond.  Was she really doing this?  Replying to an online dating profile?  She was and it was just the beginning.

Believe It!

I feel like I have been hiding.  Hiding who I am, what I deserve, what I need, how I feel and how much I have to offer.  I didn't make a decision to hide, it just happened.  I keep falling back to a line from the movie Pretty Woman.  

 Vivian : People put you down enough, you start to believe it. ... Vivian : The bad stuff is easier to believe.

I fell into this trap. I am not sure how it happened.  I believe I am very strong.  I was so busy accepting who everyone else is I forgot that whoever I was - was good enough.  You know how people bring their past into the present?  Old relationships, childhood trauma, etc.  Oddly, even if we accept someone for all they are; it does not automatically open them up to accepting all of you.  They can make mistakes, react to you poorly due to old trauma and they can even close off to you completely; yet you, you are to be perfect, all the time.  
Do you know what trying to be perfect causes?  More and more build up.

At some point we all have to analyze the relationships in our lives.  Does the relationship go both ways?  Do you need the relationship?  Is this relationship part of our support system?  Is this relationship conducive to living the positive life we crave?  

Granted - it isn't as cut and dry as some of the answers to these questions, but it can begin the internal conversations you may need to have.  

I hurt, every day, I hurt.  What I am learning about my past self is that I love hard.  What I am learning about my current self is that I deserve the same in return.  What I will no longer tolerate is anyone putting me down to build themselves up.  We are all worthy of happiness, we just need to take control of our own lives.

Trusting Me

I put a lot of pressure on myself my entire life.  I remember asking my mom why she never got on me for my grades in high school.  They were not bad, I just know I could of done better.  My mom told me that I was always harder on myself than they, my parents, could ever be.

My dad once told me that the day I found I was pregnant, the first time, I grew up.  Keep in mind I was 18 and in college.  I had seen others my age get pregnant prior to me, I just wanted more - for me and my child.

My parents proved to me over and over again that they had so much faith in me and my decision making.  When my oldest sons father went to my father to ask for permission to marry me, my dad said "what did Yvonne say"?  That is the ultimate compliment that my dad believed in me.

All of these things make me so grateful to both of my parents.

All of this to say; that it is time that I start trusting myself.  I may make mistakes, but I always do the right thing.  So, I am going to move forward with faith in myself.

Short and Sweet

Waking up with a smile on my face has been few and far between these last 2 years or so.  I was either having nightmares, barely sleeping or not sleeping at all.  The past few days, even when I wake with a headache, I have been waking up smiling and feeling very positive.  It is one of those situation where you do not realize how much you are down until you begin to come back up.  I have a long way to get back up to the top; yet I am looking forward to every inch of the trip.

I am making every attempt to be completely open and honest with everything I write.  It is my intention to let myself feel and clearly communicate all of it through my writing.  I am hoping not only to heal, but also to strengthen my heart, head and self worth.

I can no longer concentrate on what everyone else is feeling; I matter too.

The Day I Died

Writing about the last year of my life, the time since my mom passed, has opened up so much reality for me.  I do not know if any of you have taken the time to look in the mirror and really challenge yourself to look deeply at yourself, but since I have so much more has come to the surface.  Accepting all of this information is difficult.  What I am positive of - in the long run I will be a better person.
It was November 2018 and my family and I decided to rent an RV and drive from Texas to California to have Thanksgiving with the rest of our family.  This was a dream of mine and I was so excited to have this experience with my husband and children.  I single, single handed, ruined this trip.
The actually journey to California was fun.  The time spent with my family in California, was wonderful.  However, I had been suffering from headaches due to tooth aches and severe mouth pain.  My pain was so severe that I sometimes could not even function.  Being in this type of pain raised my anxiety to tremendously high levels. 
While traveling to California I was living on Xanex, Tylenol, Aleve and whatever else I thought may get me through a few hours with less pain and anxiety.  When we got to my moms, I made the decision to ask my mom for some pain medicine, knowing my mom had some. 
I was now taking Xanex as needed and pain medication as needed.  I usually would tell my husband when I took any medicine, for two reasons.  One, I was horrible about taking my actual medicine and also because I did not take Xanex daily so I always wanted to be sure he knew when I did.  Somewhere in the mess of the holiday I lost track of what I had taken and honestly can't even tell you now what I did and did not take and how much of each. 
I remember going to bed that night.  The next thing I remember was waking up in the RV.  I could see figures and hear sounds, but I had no idea where I was, what was happening or who I was even with.  Eventually, I remember seeing my daughter.  She was putting a wash cloth on my head.  I remember hearing my husband.  At some point my 17 year old son was driving this giant RV.  I had scared my husband so badly he was desperately trying to get us home, driving straight through from California to Texas. 
I do not remember getting home.  I do remember waking up in my own bed.
I believe it was a full night before I woke up enough to communicate well with my husband.  I had bit my tongue and my body felt like I had been hit by a truck, due to having a seizure.  I was scared and really sick.  At that point we finally made the decision to go to the hospital.  I am sure you may have figured it out, but I had not - the nurse at the hospital told me that I had overdosed. 
Hearing these words made me cry, hysterically.  I only envisioned this for drug addicts.  How could this be me?  I was not one of those people.  Then, thinking about what my children must of seen when I was not even able to wake up or communicate.  What a hard decision my husband had to make to try to get me home, but not scare my parents or my kids about what may be going on.  The guilt was overwhelming to me.  Not to mention I did not want my mom to know because I KNOW she would blame herself for giving me pain medicine.  We all absolutely know that I am an adult and it was my fault.

There is much more to this.  I have so much more to share.  You will not believe how this has stayed with me and what else it has effected - simply because I was not brave enough to feel.

Drowning In It

I have been living in a dark cloud for well over a year, to be specific, since February 27, 2019 - the day we lost my mom.  I actually do not think it is fair to say I was living; because I wasn't.  I will be honest and tell you that I do not remember days at a time.  I was a robot, walking through each day with blinders on. 
The most horrifying part of this time was I did not realize it was happening.  I was holding laughter, tears, screams, nightmares and much more inside of me.  Unfortunately, I continued this madness for over a year.  I was living with a headache, full of anxiety and completely out of touch with anything real.
I was showing all kinds of signs that I needed help, whatever that may look like.  It could of been someone pointing it out, someone asking or just someone noticing I was not being me.  None of those things happened.  I was losing my temper in seconds, forgetting things, spinning my wheels and (if you know me at all) having absolutely nothing to say.  The one thing people noticed was that I was not communicating as much, but it was not out of love, it was like I was doing something wrong to them.  I was literally drowning in my own sorrow and I was totally alone in it.
As you can probably guess - this put me into a massive tail spin.  It was effecting my business, my home and my marriage.
You are going to find in my blogs that I may jump around subjects a little bit.  This is all reflective of how I am healing.  There are some things I am ready to talk about and some things I am still working on myself.  I am sharing simply in hopes that others find help when/where they may need it.  It is completely possible that you have someone close to you hurting or it may even be you.  Reach out - force the communication; just let them know you are there.  I am not saying it will fix anything for you or for them; I am saying they will forever appreciate someone seeing or feeling their need.  I know I would of.

See you soon...

Losing my Mom - Part 2

The rest of the day felt unreal.  I remember sitting in a conference room, at the hospital, with the rest of my family.  My head was full of what I needed to start taking care of.  My immediate concern was my dad and, oddly, my sister.

My sister had not had a relationship with my mom in years.  She had just learned that she was going to' be a grandma and that is something she was able to share with my mom (moms first great-grand child) when they said their good-bye's.  Yet, my concern for my sister was more about what she must be going through.  I knew I was going to have to mourn my mom, but my sister, I worried, would have double the pain.  She would have to mourn the time she lost with her mom, as well as actually mourning the loss of her mom.  I could not shake that feeling.

In addition, it was just months prior that my mom had sat myself, brother, sister and law and my dad down to go over her wishes and will.  I did not like having the conversation, simply because I did not want to lose my mom.  That was not the biggest issue.  My mom had cut my sister our of everything, other than certain things she wanted to go to her.  My sisters name was not on any life insurance, contact, anything.  Knowing all of the things I was going to have to do, the last thing I wanted was my sister to ask to help and find out that she couldn't because none of the places would talk to her.  This was another huge reason I stayed in "work mode" for so long.

I heard people complaining about me "doing everything" and "taking over" but I just kept moving.  The more I did, the less I had to worry about others feelings being hurt.  I called every life insurance, burial insurance, health insurance, bill collector, bank - anything and everything.  I arranged the cremation, the Celebration of life, flying my three kids in - name it, I did it.  I had to decide that I did not care if anyone was upset with me as long as my sisters feelings were OK, my Dad was cared for and my brother was good. 

I will not lie and say my feelings were never hurt; but I will take responsibility for being in the situation to have my feelings hurt. 

I went as far as to lend money to a family member to make sure they were able to come say good-bye to their sibling.  This is another story, for another day.

Stay with me...

Losing my Mom - Part 1

I had never lost a parent before February 27, 2019.  I was not ready, nor did I know I needed to be.  My mom was my best friend, my closest confidant and the constant reminder, to me, about the person I want to be.

I know a million people have been through this, but I have felt like I have made the wrong decisions since the day I lost my mom. 

I flew in from Texas and was not able to go in to see my mom in the ICU.  It was after hours and we were to wait until morning.  My brother picked me up at the airport and we were driving to his home when we received a call from our father.  The hospital had called and mom was doing much worse.  Then our sister called, who was at the hospital with my mom, and we learned mom had to be "brought back". 

Reality hit quickly, right then.  So many emotions.  I needed to get to my Dad, I knew my mom did not want to be resuscitated and mostly I needed to be with my mom.  It is a blur; but we got my dad and went to the hospital.  The shock of what I saw was unimaginable.  My mom was being kept alive by machines. 

It was that moment that I went into "work-mode".  My sister was unaware of my moms wishes, my dad was not in a place to make these decisions alone and my brother - well, I am older.  I took control right then.  I called the doctors in and asked them where we were.  They verified for me that all they could do was make my mom comfortable.  I then, with my sister and her boyfriend, dad, brother and sister in law, went over moms wishes, verified my dad, brother and sister in law agreed (as they were there when mom went over her wishes with us) with the next action.  My dad looked at me and said "I need you to help me".  So, I did.  I called the doctors back in asked them to go over the process with us.  They would give mom pain medicine, take her off all of the machines and then we were to just wait.

We left the room as the doctor and nurses prepared mom.  I looked around and all I could think about was that mom would love that we were all together. 

We all returned to moms bedside - and we somehow just started telling mom stories.  My moms heart rate jumped up.  I touched her and said "you know we are here mom, don't you".  I have to be completely honest, I prayed in that moment that she would surprise us and come back to us.  Yet, it was just minutes and she, my mom, best friend and confidant, was gone. 

Stay Tuned...

April 2 2020

I have been working on learning how to mourn my mom's passing for more than a year.  Unfortunately, so many other things have been thrown at me during this time that I continue this struggle, however now I continue it alone.  

The blessing?  I feel my mom, every day, helping me focus.  

I have a lot to write about and so much to share.  

Maybe we can all learn from each other in these times.

I am back

Watch for me