Forgiveness

Nighttime is dark.  My mind is spinning uncontrollably.  Unable to handle my thoughts and emotions. The struggle is lonely.  Allowing yourself to feel is brave.  Sharing what is inside of you is far more - its courageous.

I'm working towards that courageous way.  I am ready to face my demons and move beyond the scars.

Surrounding myself with the right people is key.  I know I have support from my husband and my siblings.  I crave that and appreciate it more than words could ever describe.  Allowing those people in is my challenge.  After speaking with my therapist I realized just how scarred I am and how deep it goes.  I have much self exploration to do and even more forgiveness to give.

The most important thing I have learned is that forgiveness is something internal.  It does not mean I have to allow those people and thing back - it's truly abut letting it all go.

Therapy...

Therapy...

There is this horrible vision when I think of therapy because it did not help in four prior situations for me.

 - I remember going to therapy as a teen, family therapy. I don't think I truly understood why we went. What I did know is that nothing changed after the fact. I did figure out that I was an angry teen; well maybe more of an misunderstood teen. I did not understand myself much less expect anyone else to understand me. I learned that I felt my mom was absent during our childhood years. My dad never missed a game, my mom missed them all. What I realize today is that that was hurt, hurt that was born out of love for my mother.

 - As an adult I had a horrible work experience, while I was pregnant, that I still find unbelievable. I had a work associate turn against me in such a mean, negative and vindictive way. This person went as far as to make up lies to cover their "story" about me. I was slapped in the face with it when they cornered me in a conference room. I was so shocked by the betrayal of lies that I could not even find words to express myself. Imagine, me - without something to say. I went to therapy again. I even went back to the same therapist I had when I was a teen. It really helped in the understanding who I am process. I found my way but I felt it was unsuccessful because I could not understand why it all happened or why someone would do that to another person. It left me lost.

 - Again as an adult I found myself in a dark, depressing place. I never recovered from the prior experience. I ended up giving up a career I loved, a work family and my earned income status due to another's actions. I was unable to pull myself back up. My husband at the time decided that it was a choice I had made to be depressed and was less than supportive. We went to therapy. I felt blamed, shamed and again misunderstood. I was able to dig out of this one but it was purely off of my children's love and the support of some amazing friends.

 - As a final effort to save my family I agreed to couples counseling with my now ex-husband. I was sure that, at minimum, this would help his relationship with our children. I am happy to say that I found that right therapist. She heard me. From day one - she heard me. It was also the first time he showed his true colors to someone else. She was able to see and feel what we were all living through. Sadly, it did not save my marriage, but it really saved me. I have learned that I can't fix anyone else through therapy and that is not what it is for. It is for the person going there trying to make something better, more positive.

As a happily remarried woman I am trying therapy again - not for anyone other than me. Honestly, it is helping my husband also but I am the one looking to heal. So, I believe in therapy because I believe we can all benefit from a little more understanding of ourselves.

Good-Bye Burden

I no longer wish to wear your burden.  I will no longer allow your view of me to affect my view of myself.  I will not let your ignorance change how I handled my life.  I did what was right, for me and my family.

I see it now.  It took a long time to come through as a clear vision.  Before all I saw was the nightmare of losing my mother.  The overwhelming feeling of being alone when your parents can so easily disregard one of their children.  Why was I shocked?  They tried it with one of my siblings before.  What I feel now is sadness.  In my mirror is my mother.  The mother I remember.

My mom was one of the most intelligent women I knew.  She was strong and independent, everything that a woman strives to be.  She had a wonderful father, close siblings, a bread winning job and the family that saw her as the hub - the center of our world.

Looking back now I understand.  She began to lose things one by one.  She lost her father, she lost some siblings and slowly her health.  She saw these things as weakness.  I say that with confidence because I was doing the same thing, feeling the same things.  I understand her desire to hold on to what she could.  I get it now.

Grateful...all I can say is - I am grateful.  I am, for lack of a better term, blessed to of witnessed this at an age where I could comprehend what was real and what wasn't.  I own my part.  I was everything she was and I was strong enough to do it and go through it alone.

I will never forget being left alone to deal with my divorce.  Being judged because I refused to speak poorly of my ex-husband.  The nights of rocking in my bed, full of anxiety, holding in all that I was going through.  I was so afraid to share my ugly.  I was trying to avoid exactly what happened anyway...people judging.

What everyone forgets while they are sitting back in judgment of others is:

• You don't live in their home
• You don't know their life
• You don't know what is true
• You don't know what is false
• You don't know their limits

I do not think that I could of done it differently.  I strongly believe I did what was right for my children.  There was no need to speak badly of their father simply for others to understand what our family was going through.  My children had their own things to heal without me joining in with the bad feelings.

It feels absolutely horrible when you are disliked for being TO strong.  I didn't cry enough, I didn't morn long enough, I didn't wait long enough, I didn't try hard enough - you simply have no idea.  The things I lost in those years could not be fixed, replaced or even glued back together.  Not because I did not want to fix it; because you can't fix something alone.

There is less than a handful of people that know me well.  Those are the people that know I cried enough, I morned enough, I waited enough and I tried harder and longer than anyone in my position ever would have.  I do not answer to you and I do not answer to them.  I answer to me and I know the amount of loss I had in the four years prior to my divorce was more than I lost in my actual divorce.

It was time to believe in me again and the first step is walking away from the one person that believed in me the least.

Better - In Every Way

He asked me to close my eyes...close my eyes and think back to when we met, it had to be almost ten years ago.  He wondered if I ever imagined that we would be where we are today.

I was married and we shared thee same best friend.  I closed my eyes and let my mind wander back to that day.  I clearly remember meeting him.  She, our shared best friend, had often talked about him and I had a definite vision of what I believed he would be like and even a vision of what I thought he would look like.  It was years later that I realized he wasn't any of those things.
 

His eyes were piercing blue and his smile was genuine.  He was comfortable and very easy to get along with.  It could not of been the easiest atmosphere to walk into.  We all had very strong personalities and sarcasm should be our middle names.  Our group was open to others but we had so many "inside jokes" and "funny sayings" that it could sometimes be hard to keep up with us and what we were talking about.

He took it all in...I don't think I ever saw him without a smile on his face.  The moment I realized I could tease him - it was on - he was part of the gang.  

The truth...I never saw him in any other capacity then a friend.  I was married, happily married at the time.  I did feel like he was someone I wanted to get to know more about.  He had a calming spirit.  We sat and watched fire works together and conversation was light, easy and fun.  He had this quiet confidence that I found refreshing.  

The thing I remember most was when he left.  I thought he was nothing like what I imagined - he was better in every way.

Live

There is absolutely zero way to win this battle.  When you try every approach and the other individuals involved refuses to look at themselves...it is the loneliest feeling in the world.  I am unable to fix it for them, they are unable to admit it needs fixing.  That is what you call a cross roads. I am so tired of trying to be better and still feeling alone in it.
Remember how it felt before?  Like you mattered, like you were loved, desired, needed, etc?  Was it all an act to capture what is?  It isn't fair.  It isn't fair to require so much understanding from me and have no thought of what you can do for yourself.
So, I sit here, alone - wondering why I am still trying to fix it.  Why am I going to give 100% to a two sided situation.  In reality - my 100% is only 50% of the issue and the resolution.  That is where I see failure.
I have always been the type to keep trying simply because failure was not an option.  Perhaps it is my old age, but I am clear that all parties need to want this to work.  I am unable to do this alone.  I do not want to spend anymore of my time praying, hoping or wishing that someone else wants it as badly as I do.
I am not OK with just getting by.  I want it all.  I want complete trust, sharing of everything and a life that exceeds all expectations.  It is not a dream - I see it - they simply need to want it too.
Problems don't go away by themselves.  People can't read minds.  Things don''t grow when they are not cared for properly.
Take a look at you.  Are you participating in life the way your family needs?  Are you giving yourself to every situation in a way that sets you up for success?  Are you taking others into consideration in thee way you handle your every day life?
Stop hiding behind what was and live.

Intent

Listening and hearing are two very different things.  I wish I was able to un-hear certain comments or even just care less about their intent.

My husband and I always seem to do the right things and most of the time the nicer thing just because we don't want to allow negative words and/or people to get the reactions they are pushing for.  We will not sink to their level.

I, as usual, will not lie...it is sometimes really hard.  The overwhelming feeling one gets when we allow a behavior we know is unacceptable, rude or even mean.

My husbands strength is unmatched.  He is the truth.  That person that does nice things because that is who he is.  He never expects anything in return,, he just gives.

I am thankful in every moment knowing that I will have this man walking through life with me, forever.

I invite you to think about this.  Do you have people in your life that just take?  Are your friendships two way relationships?  Do you have someone in your life that will do you a favor and then forever hold it over you or assume they "own" you due to their giving nature?  Comment back - share your view - even if it is not the same as mine.

I'm Happy!

It has been far to long since I sat down and blogged.  My life has been a roller coaster ride.  There have been so many ups and downs, but I am happy to say that there is light at the end of our tunnel and we are coming out way ahead on the other side.

Most of the time I have been fight writers block, lack of time and some days just having a lack of positivity shuts me down.  That is not me and it certainly is not who or what I want to share with the world.

I have had friends abandon me, parents disown me and what I considered true friends hurt me with words that although I will forgive - I will never forget.  I realize those things alone would of taken many people out, yet I learned some amazing things about myself, my kids, my husband and who my real, true friends are. 

I fight this view of me all the time.  The "She will be OK, she is tough" attitude everyone has towards me.  Let me just make something completely clear - strong does not mean without feelings.  I chose not to react to the hate.  I chose not to apologize when I was not wrong.  I chose to live my life in a positive way and place.  That place is my home - with my husband and our children. 

My children have proven to be the most mature and thoughtful people in my life.  My oldest son knows me better than I ever imagined.  My middle son has been the strong one.  My baby girl, although she struggles, is always a 100% on board with her mom. 

Then there is my husband.  Who knew that such an amazing man even existed?  A man that is real, kind, true and possibly the most loving human I have ever met.  He gives in more ways than I knew possible. 

Finally - my friends.  Many of those special people showed there beautiful colors the last month I was in Colorado.  Between planning a wedding reception, having a going away breakfast and partying with me at Fusion on my final night in town...these friends are keepers. 

I'm thankful.  I'm loved.  I'm happy.