Better - In Every Way

He asked me to close my eyes...close my eyes and think back to when we met, it had to be almost ten years ago.  He wondered if I ever imagined that we would be where we are today.

I was married and we shared thee same best friend.  I closed my eyes and let my mind wander back to that day.  I clearly remember meeting him.  She, our shared best friend, had often talked about him and I had a definite vision of what I believed he would be like and even a vision of what I thought he would look like.  It was years later that I realized he wasn't any of those things.
 

His eyes were piercing blue and his smile was genuine.  He was comfortable and very easy to get along with.  It could not of been the easiest atmosphere to walk into.  We all had very strong personalities and sarcasm should be our middle names.  Our group was open to others but we had so many "inside jokes" and "funny sayings" that it could sometimes be hard to keep up with us and what we were talking about.

He took it all in...I don't think I ever saw him without a smile on his face.  The moment I realized I could tease him - it was on - he was part of the gang.  

The truth...I never saw him in any other capacity then a friend.  I was married, happily married at the time.  I did feel like he was someone I wanted to get to know more about.  He had a calming spirit.  We sat and watched fire works together and conversation was light, easy and fun.  He had this quiet confidence that I found refreshing.  

The thing I remember most was when he left.  I thought he was nothing like what I imagined - he was better in every way.

Live

There is absolutely zero way to win this battle.  When you try every approach and the other individuals involved refuses to look at themselves...it is the loneliest feeling in the world.  I am unable to fix it for them, they are unable to admit it needs fixing.  That is what you call a cross roads. I am so tired of trying to be better and still feeling alone in it.
Remember how it felt before?  Like you mattered, like you were loved, desired, needed, etc?  Was it all an act to capture what is?  It isn't fair.  It isn't fair to require so much understanding from me and have no thought of what you can do for yourself.
So, I sit here, alone - wondering why I am still trying to fix it.  Why am I going to give 100% to a two sided situation.  In reality - my 100% is only 50% of the issue and the resolution.  That is where I see failure.
I have always been the type to keep trying simply because failure was not an option.  Perhaps it is my old age, but I am clear that all parties need to want this to work.  I am unable to do this alone.  I do not want to spend anymore of my time praying, hoping or wishing that someone else wants it as badly as I do.
I am not OK with just getting by.  I want it all.  I want complete trust, sharing of everything and a life that exceeds all expectations.  It is not a dream - I see it - they simply need to want it too.
Problems don't go away by themselves.  People can't read minds.  Things don''t grow when they are not cared for properly.
Take a look at you.  Are you participating in life the way your family needs?  Are you giving yourself to every situation in a way that sets you up for success?  Are you taking others into consideration in thee way you handle your every day life?
Stop hiding behind what was and live.

Intent

Listening and hearing are two very different things.  I wish I was able to un-hear certain comments or even just care less about their intent.

My husband and I always seem to do the right things and most of the time the nicer thing just because we don't want to allow negative words and/or people to get the reactions they are pushing for.  We will not sink to their level.

I, as usual, will not lie...it is sometimes really hard.  The overwhelming feeling one gets when we allow a behavior we know is unacceptable, rude or even mean.

My husbands strength is unmatched.  He is the truth.  That person that does nice things because that is who he is.  He never expects anything in return,, he just gives.

I am thankful in every moment knowing that I will have this man walking through life with me, forever.

I invite you to think about this.  Do you have people in your life that just take?  Are your friendships two way relationships?  Do you have someone in your life that will do you a favor and then forever hold it over you or assume they "own" you due to their giving nature?  Comment back - share your view - even if it is not the same as mine.

I'm Happy!

It has been far to long since I sat down and blogged.  My life has been a roller coaster ride.  There have been so many ups and downs, but I am happy to say that there is light at the end of our tunnel and we are coming out way ahead on the other side.

Most of the time I have been fight writers block, lack of time and some days just having a lack of positivity shuts me down.  That is not me and it certainly is not who or what I want to share with the world.

I have had friends abandon me, parents disown me and what I considered true friends hurt me with words that although I will forgive - I will never forget.  I realize those things alone would of taken many people out, yet I learned some amazing things about myself, my kids, my husband and who my real, true friends are. 

I fight this view of me all the time.  The "She will be OK, she is tough" attitude everyone has towards me.  Let me just make something completely clear - strong does not mean without feelings.  I chose not to react to the hate.  I chose not to apologize when I was not wrong.  I chose to live my life in a positive way and place.  That place is my home - with my husband and our children. 

My children have proven to be the most mature and thoughtful people in my life.  My oldest son knows me better than I ever imagined.  My middle son has been the strong one.  My baby girl, although she struggles, is always a 100% on board with her mom. 

Then there is my husband.  Who knew that such an amazing man even existed?  A man that is real, kind, true and possibly the most loving human I have ever met.  He gives in more ways than I knew possible. 

Finally - my friends.  Many of those special people showed there beautiful colors the last month I was in Colorado.  Between planning a wedding reception, having a going away breakfast and partying with me at Fusion on my final night in town...these friends are keepers. 

I'm thankful.  I'm loved.  I'm happy.

Responsibility

I could do with a little less stress.  I have not been able to get any writing done.  Even when I find the time, when I sit down all of my words turn into tears.  I have never had so many mixed emotions in my life.  More so - I have never felt so much disappointment in my life.  I feel like I am being punished for being the honest person who is unwilling to let others walk all over me.  Peoples ability to not only lie to others, but lie to themselves scares the hell out of me.  These are the type of minds that are unpredictable.  I try so hard to think that perhaps they really have that poor of a memory that they are unable to put all of their "stories" back together.  Then their actions prove me wrong yet again.  I think the reason they became so angry with me was because I did not back down.  I did not conform to their expectation.  I lived the truth.  On top of that I caught them in their own lies.  Once they said those things out loud they were simply unable to recover.  I am not going to take responsibility for their ill effect on all of us.  I will, however, take complete responsibility for getting myself and my children through this - ending in an even more positive place. 

I choose me

I always assume I am at fault first.  They know me so little that they don't see that I have been through all the emotions and dealt with all of the feelings that were unsettled due to their lack of communication.  As I pondered the past 11 years and all of the most recent events I found peace in it all.  I can't change them.  I can't make them be better people.  People who tell the truth, love unconditionally and give just as much as they take.

It is clear that they are upset that I called everyone out on their behaviors.  They did not own anything they did, even the things they admitted to they retracted later.  It is very unsettling that a parent can dislike their child so much.  I knew I should of just sucked it up and moved on, but I could not let go of the anger handling it that way.  It was my error in judgment to think that everyone was capable of adult conversations with honesty.

I am no longer looking to just let go of the anger, I have worked through all of that.  I have seen where I failed, where I could of done better and even what I did completely wrong.  As an adult I am accountable of all of my actions.  I cannot change the things that happened, but I can certainly learn from them.  I will never allow another to fill my head with so much negative that I can't imagine a positive.  I will not look back on these years as a loss any longer.  I see it now as many valuable life lessons.  I am grateful to see clearly and even more grateful to no longer feel imprisoned by others.  I am responsible for my life, no one else.  I choose to love.  I choose to be loved.  I choose to share love.  I choose to be happy.  I choose me.

My Truth

I have had to remind myself several times this week that I am a grown up and do not have to allow other peoples issues include me or effect me.  As much as I would like to fix situations and people; the only thing I can really control is myself.  Even with that it is difficult for me to walk away without understanding the behaviors.

I took the time to deal with my demons.  I have faced things I still don't understand.  How do they misunderstand something that simple?  Are they truly that concerned with being right that they can't have an adult conversation?  I no longer care who said what, who is mad at who or why anyone did anything.  I just want it known that I know and I choose to move on.  I no longer want to carry the anger.  It is unhealthy and exhausting to constantly feel that low.

The more I think about the past the more of the puzzle I put together.  My anger has changed into simply feeling sorry for them.  I am surrounded by love and support - they stand alone in the world they created. In the back of their minds they know where this began.  Well, honestly I think she does, but he is only aware of her side of anything.  I get it.  It is his job to protect his wife.  I would expect nothing less.

I had some amazing friends pick me up this week.  I think my lucky stars that I am now in a place where I can think logically and am prepared to deal with these things.  I was able to hear their words this time and understand what I could and could not do, for my sake, my health - not for anyone else.  I rarely make decisions based on only myself; it was time.  I even made a promise to my close friend that I intend to keep, forever.

The amount of tears I shed this week was immeasurable.  Through it all I never felt alone.  The partnership I share with my fiance is the strongest connection I have ever felt.  He, some how, knows exactly when to listen and exactly when to talk.  When he does talk he says exactly what I need to hear.  Never is it judgment, just strong, supportive words full of love.

For the record - I am aware that I am being pretty vague in this blog.  This is NOT how I usually write and will not be how I continue to write.  I am still processing the events of this week.  When I have it all clear in my head I will pour it out in my normal fashion.  I will not sensor myself to protect anyone.  I started my blog for two reasons - I love to write and it is an outlet for my truth.  I am not asking everyone to agree with me or even like what I have to say.  I just want my readers to know when they see my words they are real and true.