Guilt

I may of pushed forward through some of those emotions consuming my thoughts yesterday.  Guilt is a very difficult emotion.  For me it has really made me take a look at the full picture.  I have guilt for keeping my children in an unhealthy environment for so long.  I have guilt for not being good enough for him to want to make the changes.  I have guilt about the difference between my relationship with my childrens vs. his relationship with them.

When my 10 year old daughter asked me one day "Mom, if I was with a guy that treated me the way dad treats you, would you want me to stay with him?" I felt like I had been hit by a truck.  What was I teaching my daughter?  What kind of example of "love" was I teaching my children?  I starting working on a plan that day.

I played the negative moments, days, feelings, words over and over in my head.  It reminded me of Pretty Woman when she said "the bad things are easier to believe".  Had I really allowed someone to make me feel so badly about myself.  Isn't this person suppose to do exactly the opposite for me?  Is it so hard to reassure me that my heart is your home?

I know all of my childrens friends, their teachers, the school administrators and most of the parents that go along with the kids.  I know my sons girlfriend, I even know enough about her to form my opinion and I like her.  I know and orgainize all of my children outside interests and support their dreams.  I never miss a game, a meeting, a graduation or anything.  I have put the time into my children because I appreciate the give and take.  The relationship I have with them makes all of us stronger.

Guilt won't win, but it sure tries.  I am lucky enough to have the most wonderful partner walking through life with me.  Someone that has the perfect amount of love, support, friendship, care and can listen and offer kind words.  Best of all?  The love we share is unconditional.

How?

I absolutely refuse to believe this is the same man.  How can someone that shared so much of themselves completely cut everyone out and feel fine about it?  Who are they lying to? Themselves or us?

For many years it was a scare tactic.  Maybe if he feared losing me then he would fix the issues or at least work on them.  If he feared losing his children then maybe he would work harder on being involved and present.  Graduation was a hard day. So many parents exchanged words, hugs and laughter with me and did not even know the man sitting behind me was the other parent.

A penny for my thoughts he said.....he doesn't want to know what I am thinking anymore.  I have lost all positive feeling when it comes to him.  I have fought for him on all sides.  No one knows the things he has done because honestly, if the negativity would have stayed clear of my children then I would of stayed forever.

Words escape me.  I'm working on it.

Stay Calm

Her eyes opened slowly.  It was Saturday, which would usually be worth a smile on its own.  Today, however, was a day she never imagined happening.  She often heard people using the phrase "worst day ever" and wondered if today was that day for her.  

They had been putting off working on this for weeks.  Someone was to busy, the weather was bad, someone sick, whatever.  Today is the day.  There is no putting it off any longer.  

Needing coffee was an understatement.  Sleep escaped her last night.  How was he going to handle it? Would they agree?  Would they argue?  Would she break?  Was all of her work enough to pease him? Does he even realize this is difficult on her also?  Regardless, it would not be a fun meeting.  If they could just agree on the details to move things forward.  

As the meeting time came closer anxiety was building inside of her.  How to stay calm?  He would read her weakness immeditately when he saw her.  How could she stand in front of him and seem strong and harmless at once?  

She heard the door.  Her heart felt like it was going to pound out of her chest.  Her breathing changed, her head filled with worry and fear.  It was time...

Nightmares

Throughout my adulthood I have struggled with remembering my dreams.  Oddly, it only bothers me when they are more of a nightmare.  I will remember enough to know that I am upset, sad, angry, whatever but not any true detail.  I have tried all types of dream remembering methods, it just has not worked for me.  I bet you are wondering why it matters.  Let me tell you why:

When I have a nightmare I will wake up feeling however that dream made me feel.  I will even feel anger towards anyone that may of hurt me in the dream.  I can't figure out why and I have a really tough time shaking the emotion part of it.

Last night was one of those nights.  Believe it or not, I actually remember parts of the dream.  I woke up feeling hurt, sad, betrayed even.  I have spent the better part of today trying to "get over it".  In this case I am completely aware of what the dream was about and understand it is not true, yet I am unable to squash these downer emotions.

What I don't believe...is that there is something true to the dream, that I am insecure about this specific relationship or that I am scared when it comes to this relationship.  What triggers these type of dreams?  Is it simply the unknown?  Maybe I'm onto something here.  I am, after all, a control freak.  Perhaps those things out of my control or even out of my vision are weighing on me?  I'm feeling this idea.  It makes sense in my head at least.

What to do now?  I am aready feeling better.  Is understanding why I have these dreams half the battle?  Because I am already thinking more positively about the whole thing.  Here I thought there was some deep emotional issue.  I guess I am not as complex as I thought...

The Answer

I admit, I thought doing everything on my own would be more difficult.  My children reminded me that even before the change I did everything I'm doing now; cooking dinner, taking kids to school, going to games, getting them hair cuts, homework, grocery shopping, working a full time job, etc.  So, what was I afraid of? 

The answer:  being and feeling alone. 

From the moment I made the decision to make a change my friends have rallied beside me.  From check in text to not letting me hide out, they have made sure that I knew I am loved and certainly not alone. 

You see....I am not that girl that needs everyone to agree with what I'm doing.   They don't live in my home, they do not sleep in my bed and they surely don't pay my bills.  I take ownership of my choices.  I can support those decisions when my children ask me.  I regret nothing.

I go home after work to my three children that get along better than they have in months, that laugh together and tell each other they love the other (yes, out loud). 

Don't get me wrong...my children are feeling the effects from this change but they have built stronger relationships with each other through it all. 

The best part?  I get even more one on one time with each of them.  I cherish every moments.  I may squirm a little because all three of my kids tell me EVERYTHING, but I wouldn't give it up for anything.

Strength

Strength comes in many ways.  I always thought being hard and strong was the best way to show my strength and protect myself.  What I have now learned is that appearing to be the strong one leads to others being unaware or unconcerned about my feelings. 

I have a heart and feelings that are just as important and just as sensitive as others.  I may not break down and cry, I may not beg to get my way, but I will feel it. 

I try, really try not to react off of emotion; but my version of strength often creates a build up inside of me that explodes once I can't take anymore.

My new approach?  Sharing how I feel earlier.  I am positive that most that know me understand that no one likes it when I have time to stew.  I don't like it either.

My best friend has shown me what good communication brings.  That level of comfort is something I desire in all aspects of my life.

Strength doesn't mean taking everything on alone.  Sometimes it takes more strength to ask for help......

It Still Hurts

I think it is very hard lesson for all to learn:

Just because we initiate the change does not mean it was easier for us. 

There is so much behind those final decisions.  Who does it effect?  What is healthier for all parties? Can we live with the decision?

I have been blessed with support from all areas in my life.  I have wonderful friends (believe me, you find out who your friends are), amazing children  (they can think for themselves), strong family, an unmatched support group (my zumba family) and the most caring, loving and supportive best friend.

I don't always feel strong, but there is always one of these people there to remind me that I can do this. 

I refuse to be the victim.  I made these decisions and I made them for good reasons.  Every day may be hard, but I know it will get easier.  Why?  Because I am moving forward now, not back.  Now that is the most intelligent plan I could ever make.