Clueless or A Bitch?

I think perhaps I have become a better listener as an adult.  Either that or no one ever told me the things I am currently learning about myself.  Let me begin by saying that I am eternally grateful for the friends I have in my life right now.  My close circle does not consist of anyone I thought would be there for me, besides my mom - she is always in my circle.  Oddly this group seems to know me better, care more about me and is not afraid to tell me what they are thinking, good or bad.  I appreciate that, more than anyone could imagine.

A very special friend of mine, Jessie, had a very candid conversation with me yesterday.  It made me think, made me feel good and saddened me all at the same time.  This amazing friend, who I know is reading this, has always been the little angel on my shoulder.  I have tried my best to do the opposite for her.  I was talking to her about the wonderful man I have in my life currently.  I sent her a picture and she reacted by saying that he reminded her of JM, a guy we went to high school with.

JM and I found each other via Facebook a year or more ago.  We got along like we had never stopped communicating.  For me, JM was that guy in high school that I liked but didn't think he was serious enough to have a relationship.  For him, I was the one that got away.  I questioned him during these reunion conversations about how I never knew how he felt about me.  I can appreciate that he had very stand up reasons for not expressing his feelings to me.

Jessie said my current man has a kind face.  She is so right.  He is probably the kindest, most loving and caring man I have ever met.  When she said he reminded her of JM I told her about the most recent communication I had with JM.  To my surprise she said "I knew that, when JM and I use to hang out (in high school) he use to talk about how he felt about you".  Going through my head was "am I that clueless or was I just a bitch"?  At that time in my life I had a steady boyfriend and apparently closed my eyes to all else.

Jessie has a natural gift, she is able to tell me things I may not want to hear in a way that I totally accept as fact.  I trust her.  Last night she told me that it takes a strong man to be with me.  I think it has to do with my independent ways and self confidence.  Jessie tells me that a man lacking self confidence may begin to see themselves in comparison to me instead of in partnership with me.  Did she really just wrap up my past ?relationships in one sentence?  I think so.

As I write and fade to sleep tonight I will be giving our conversation much thought.

Hard Day

Even the most difficult of days can have a silver lining......

When I opened my eyes this morning, after very little sleep, I remembered the rumblings of the prior evening.  I took a deep breathe, sat up in my bed and said to myself "you can do this".  Although this may have been enough to get me going I also picked up my phone.  I had a text message from Nancy, my get me going zumba girlfriend, and my best friend reminding me that I am loved and missed.  Terrific start to my morning.

After dedicating a couple hours to work in the a.m., it was time for zumba.  Zumba is one of the most fabulous parts of my week.  I dance all the negative ju ju and unhealthly vibes away.  By the end of zumba class today I had a handful of not so fabulous texts.  Finding them to be mean, rude and unhealthy - I did not respond.  That may of been a mistake as the individual continued to use even stronger language toward me.  I finally respond just letting the person know that I had just gotten out of class.

I spent my drive back to the office thinking about how to respond to this person.  I came to the conclusion that I needed to do what I have always done, tell the truth.  After a conversation with my best friend I decided to do just that.  Although the truth was hard, it was the right thing to do for all parties involved.  Most importantly my children will know that in all of this, I was honest and did what was healthy for them.

Words Hurt

Words hurt.  There is a difference between being strong and being heartless.  No matter how many walls we may put up it does not defend against words, why is that?  Perhaps it has more to do with the individual that is speaking the words and their intent with those words.  I know that people say things out of anger, I just think they everyone should think before they speak.  Once those words come out of your mouth there is no taking them back.  Most times words are so much stronger than actions or lack of action.

After giving much thought to how some negative words have made me feel I have decided to receive the words differently.  I have no control over other people, how they act, what they say and how they conduct themselves.  What I do control is how I receive the negative words and if I let them effect me.  I know I need to receive the words in order to deal with specific situations, however I no longer have to allow those words to change how I view myself.

A great example happened this week.  In the heat of mean, negative words I was told that I must be having a midlife crisis to be living my life the way I currently am.  I listened to these words and really gave them so thought.  I'm 40 years old and I feel better than I have in many, many years.  I never worry about what others think of me, I like who I see in the mirror and I take better care of myself.  Honestly, I am finally being true to who I am.  A wonderful friend said something that really helped.  She said I wasn't having a midlife crisis, I was having a midlife realization, that life was not a dress rehearsal.  She is right.  I made a decision the day my doctor told me that I was HIGH RISK diabetic; I was living life, not just walking through it.  I deserve to be happy and my children deserve a mother that is healthy.

If caring about myself, my kids and my life is a midlife crisis then I am thankful to being having it early enough in my life that I still have time to enjoy the new outlook.  I am not sorry that I am taking the time to be a little selfish and work on me.  I want my children to see that it is never to late to change negative behavior in anyones life.  Life is what you make it.  I will no longer sit back and wait for happiness to come to me, I am the creator of my own happiness.

Singing and Dancing

Today was one of those days that I just wanted to scream (good things) from the roof tops.  That feeling you get when something so exciting happens.  That uncontrollable urge to just dance and sing?  Maybe that part is just me.  It is just my luck that I am not at a place where I can share all of this wonderful news, but I assure you - I really, really want to tell the world.

I did manage to celebrate in my own way.  I bought my team some ice cream, then decided to get my kids and my mother in law and went to the pool for some sun.  As if I was not happy enough, I got to lay in the sun.  That activity happens to be in my top 10 things to do duing the summer (are you dying to know the other 9?).  Then I went home, cooked dinner and had a couple drinks with my mother in law.  Nothing better than a couple pina coladas on a hot day.

So now I sit, wide awake, positive that I should go to sleep.  Who needs sleep when we are this dang happy?  I'm going to convince my brain that I can indeed sleep and in that sleep I will be singing and dancing because life has proven me right again........positivity breeds more positivity.

Situations

I suppose there are many times when I could of handled things much better.  I never like to stew, no one likes it when I stew.  I despise not handling a problem immediately.  I regret when I over analyze.  Yet, I find the worst reaction to be when I view all things with the same attitude.

With multiple "situations" going on in my personal life right now I have come to conclusion that I was not necessarily overwhelmed as I was overloaded.  Yes, there is a difference.  I can recognize overwhelmed much easier and take things one at a time.  Being overloaded made me anxious, worried and even a bit paranoid - in all "situations".

So, this is what I decided......

I wrote down all of the things going on right now in my life.  I literally tore apart each "situation" to gauge if there was any issue, problem, etc.  What I found was that I was approaching each "situation" with the same defensive attitude.  This could have been a massive blunder on my part.  I could have broken things that did not need fixing.

I have a person in my life that helps me live the positive, loving life that I desire.  Not only do they contribute to my daily life, but they allow me to be who I am and better yet, they like who that person is.  They support every thing about me and even keep my vision clear when I feel lost.  I am forever grateful, deeply blessed and extremely happy.

Geography and Timing

I truly felt like I was in a movie, a romantic comedy with a happy ending.  You know, when you find that person that you want to do everything with?  The person that you can sit with in totall silence and be totally content.  The individual that supports you in everything you do, even when you don't think you can do it. The friend that shows you love even when you may deserve less from them in that moment.  The one that allows you to be the strong indedependent person and appreciates that about you.  The lover that loves you just as much as you love them and isn't afraid to show it.

I feel like the children in Mary Poppins........I put out an advertisement for the perfect partner and suddently he appeared in my life.  The only difference?  I did not put out an advertisement and I didn't even know I was looking.  Don't get me wrong, I knew there were things that I was lacking, but I never imagined there could be a perfect piece of the puzzle to my life.

I thought about sitting down and putting a pro/con list together, however the only cons I could ever come up with were things like geography and timing.  His actual person does not lack anything I desire.  Quite the opposite actually.  His person is exactly what I desire.

I'm holding on tight, with both hands, waiting for the timing and geography to line up.

Little house not so merry

They had been talking about meeting his family for a few weeks.   She had met his father, step mother and his little sisters.   Recently he had brought her to meet his grandparents.   The grandparents house was the only place that seemed "normal" and loving.

These family members were not the ones he had been preparing her to meet.  There were several circles, some seemed to overlap,  some seemed totally disconnected and then there was the newest family circle, his mothers circle.

She agreed to go over and have dinner with his mom and step dad.  Feeling nervous and totally unsure of what was coming was really taking a toll.  The drive there, only 20 minutes, seemed to drag on.  He did his best to make his girlfriend feel better, it wasn't working.

As they pulled up to the house there was a tall, skinny, bearded man working on an old Ford truck in the drive way.  She snickered at the sticker, KPIG,  in the back window of the truck.  They walked up the drive way and the bearded man said "you brought a good looking one this time".  He forced a smile but did not verbalize a response.  She smiled and just kept walking.  The crazy chuckle the bearded man expressed was creepy.

At the front door he stopped, smiled, then grabbed her hand as they walked into the house.  There were three women in the front room.  Suddenly the eldest of the three said "shit, look who it is".  This was of no comfort to his girlfriend.  Not only was she meeting them all for the first time, but they had no idea they were coming.  She squeezed his hand and he pulled her closer.

The woman that spoke stood up and came over to them.  "We've missed you Junior", she said.  He introduced his girl to her, his mother.  Then the youngest girl stood and introduced herself as his sister.   The third girl looked terribly familiar and highly unfriendly.   She stood and he introduced her by name only, no family title. 

It was a lot to take in.  Just as she felt she could take a breathe two men came inside, one was the bearded man.  He was her boyfriend's step father.  The other man was the "no title" girls husband.  He was the nicest so far.  Very polite and at least he was smiling. 

Suddenly there was the sound of deathly coughing.  This house was tiny, surely no one else lived here.  Wrong!  Out of a back room comes an older lady and a strong smell of smoke followed her.  This was Granny.   The word overwhelming doesn't even come close to how she was feeling meeting his newest family circle.

While his mom cooked dinner everyone else sat around talking.  The "no title" family member continued to be stand-offish and even rude.  Her husband even nudged her a few times.  Why does she lol so familiar?

Dinner was ready.  It was like a feeding at the zoo.  They all rushed in like there was a shortage of food and elbows were flying.   Everyone sat where ever.  This was not normal family in her world.  Families sit together,  at the dinner table.  Then the TV went on, goodness what a different way to function. 

When dinner was over she offered to help with dishes but his sister was not going to allow that.  Her boyfriend went out to the drive way to "talk cars", now she was alone with mom and "no title".  She heard some barking and asked "do you have dogs"?  His mother said "yes, they are out back and very friendly". 

She stood up to go peek at the dogs from the back door.  She was horrified by what she saw.  Both dogs were chained up, their dog houses were out of reach, they were under weight and no water was in sight.  Slowly she opened the back door to gauge the dogs, both pit bulls, reactions.  At first they were barking but then tails began to wag; they wanted some attention. 

First she found their water bucket, filled it up and found a nice spot in the shade for it.  Second, she untangled the chains so the animals could reach the water and their dog houses.  Finally, she sat and just played with them.  What a difference 10 minutes made.

She heard the back door slam, startled she jumped up.  The familiar, no title girl was standing there and not looking to friendly.  "Do you really not remember me"?, she asked.  "I'm sorry, I don't.  I thought you looked familiar when we arrived".  Without any warning "no title" girl threw a punch at her.   Completely stunned she began to protect herself and a full out fight began. 

What seemed like forever passed and suddenly she was being pulled off no title girl.  She could hear people talking, however her brain was filled with so much chatter no one else was really being heard.

The next thing she knew she was in her boyfriends car, her boyfriend kneeling by her door.  She looked up and said "what is wrong with your family"?