The feeling of failure came from the independent woman inside of me. I have always made my own money, never needed a man to support me and made decisions based on my children and their needs. Losing my job was the last thing I wanted, needed or desired. Although I have the complete support of my husband, I have a personal struggle with not doing my part; monetarily. I have always had the luxury of making the decision of who I am with based purely on what makes me happy, not what I need.
My anger was deeper. It came from the same direction, my ex-employer but for several different reasons. An employer can retaliate against an employee, however there is nothing the employee can do about it. An employer can dictate you ability (or lack of) to care for your own health. An employer can withhold your productivity bonus at their discretion. An employer can tell the Unemployment authorities any lie they want and have the higher percentage chance of being believed, even if you have documented proof.
I am not ignorant. I am completely aware that there are people out there that abuse the system. If I am taking the time to not only tell you the COMPLETE truth, including the information about myself I don't want to share, and I have full documentation supporting my truth - how do I win? How do we stop employers like this from doing whatever they want?
Hurt...I strongly dislike the fact that I feel hurt over this. It makes me feel weak. Those of you that know me - weak is not a word I would ever want used to describe me. I gave someone my complete trust, worked 48 hours a week, took phone calls and text until 11 pm (his bed time) every night (Sunday - Saturday), I showed up to the office on a moments notice if a client needed something (even on the weekend) and I produced more billable time in my first month than anyone else. I gave. I gave 100%. In return I received poor treatment from a man that was basically throwing a fit.
Sadness is a strong emotion. I feel like I have gone through a break up. Not only with my ex-employer, but with all of the clients that I thoroughly enjoyed helping. I took the time to build those business relationships - on his behalf. I was the reason he could turn his phone off for the first vacation since he opened the business. I am good at what I do and was punished for it.
This is where the regret set in. I regret that it took me so long to see my ex-employer in his true light. I regret that I didn't speak up that he was an engineer running a CPA firm. I regret that I didn't stick up more for the small business that he was charging CPA fees for bookkeeping work. I regret that I allowed him to change invoices to capture the cost he wanted instead of the real time fee. I regret that I let him alter my ethics, even for the smallest period of time. I regret that I taught him so much. I regret that I fixed his own bookkeeping file because he could not figure it out (free of charge on my own time). I regret that I helped him maintain a front of a business that is misrepresenting themselves.
What I don't regret? Writing this all down. I can't express enough how much better I felt after allowing myself to feel and expose all of my emotion during this time. The best therapy is allowing yourself to feel, not wallow in it - just feel.
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