Drowning In It

I have been living in a dark cloud for well over a year, to be specific, since February 27, 2019 - the day we lost my mom.  I actually do not think it is fair to say I was living; because I wasn't.  I will be honest and tell you that I do not remember days at a time.  I was a robot, walking through each day with blinders on. 
The most horrifying part of this time was I did not realize it was happening.  I was holding laughter, tears, screams, nightmares and much more inside of me.  Unfortunately, I continued this madness for over a year.  I was living with a headache, full of anxiety and completely out of touch with anything real.
I was showing all kinds of signs that I needed help, whatever that may look like.  It could of been someone pointing it out, someone asking or just someone noticing I was not being me.  None of those things happened.  I was losing my temper in seconds, forgetting things, spinning my wheels and (if you know me at all) having absolutely nothing to say.  The one thing people noticed was that I was not communicating as much, but it was not out of love, it was like I was doing something wrong to them.  I was literally drowning in my own sorrow and I was totally alone in it.
As you can probably guess - this put me into a massive tail spin.  It was effecting my business, my home and my marriage.
You are going to find in my blogs that I may jump around subjects a little bit.  This is all reflective of how I am healing.  There are some things I am ready to talk about and some things I am still working on myself.  I am sharing simply in hopes that others find help when/where they may need it.  It is completely possible that you have someone close to you hurting or it may even be you.  Reach out - force the communication; just let them know you are there.  I am not saying it will fix anything for you or for them; I am saying they will forever appreciate someone seeing or feeling their need.  I know I would of.

See you soon...

Losing my Mom - Part 2

The rest of the day felt unreal.  I remember sitting in a conference room, at the hospital, with the rest of my family.  My head was full of what I needed to start taking care of.  My immediate concern was my dad and, oddly, my sister.

My sister had not had a relationship with my mom in years.  She had just learned that she was going to' be a grandma and that is something she was able to share with my mom (moms first great-grand child) when they said their good-bye's.  Yet, my concern for my sister was more about what she must be going through.  I knew I was going to have to mourn my mom, but my sister, I worried, would have double the pain.  She would have to mourn the time she lost with her mom, as well as actually mourning the loss of her mom.  I could not shake that feeling.

In addition, it was just months prior that my mom had sat myself, brother, sister and law and my dad down to go over her wishes and will.  I did not like having the conversation, simply because I did not want to lose my mom.  That was not the biggest issue.  My mom had cut my sister our of everything, other than certain things she wanted to go to her.  My sisters name was not on any life insurance, contact, anything.  Knowing all of the things I was going to have to do, the last thing I wanted was my sister to ask to help and find out that she couldn't because none of the places would talk to her.  This was another huge reason I stayed in "work mode" for so long.

I heard people complaining about me "doing everything" and "taking over" but I just kept moving.  The more I did, the less I had to worry about others feelings being hurt.  I called every life insurance, burial insurance, health insurance, bill collector, bank - anything and everything.  I arranged the cremation, the Celebration of life, flying my three kids in - name it, I did it.  I had to decide that I did not care if anyone was upset with me as long as my sisters feelings were OK, my Dad was cared for and my brother was good. 

I will not lie and say my feelings were never hurt; but I will take responsibility for being in the situation to have my feelings hurt. 

I went as far as to lend money to a family member to make sure they were able to come say good-bye to their sibling.  This is another story, for another day.

Stay with me...

Losing my Mom - Part 1

I had never lost a parent before February 27, 2019.  I was not ready, nor did I know I needed to be.  My mom was my best friend, my closest confidant and the constant reminder, to me, about the person I want to be.

I know a million people have been through this, but I have felt like I have made the wrong decisions since the day I lost my mom. 

I flew in from Texas and was not able to go in to see my mom in the ICU.  It was after hours and we were to wait until morning.  My brother picked me up at the airport and we were driving to his home when we received a call from our father.  The hospital had called and mom was doing much worse.  Then our sister called, who was at the hospital with my mom, and we learned mom had to be "brought back". 

Reality hit quickly, right then.  So many emotions.  I needed to get to my Dad, I knew my mom did not want to be resuscitated and mostly I needed to be with my mom.  It is a blur; but we got my dad and went to the hospital.  The shock of what I saw was unimaginable.  My mom was being kept alive by machines. 

It was that moment that I went into "work-mode".  My sister was unaware of my moms wishes, my dad was not in a place to make these decisions alone and my brother - well, I am older.  I took control right then.  I called the doctors in and asked them where we were.  They verified for me that all they could do was make my mom comfortable.  I then, with my sister and her boyfriend, dad, brother and sister in law, went over moms wishes, verified my dad, brother and sister in law agreed (as they were there when mom went over her wishes with us) with the next action.  My dad looked at me and said "I need you to help me".  So, I did.  I called the doctors back in asked them to go over the process with us.  They would give mom pain medicine, take her off all of the machines and then we were to just wait.

We left the room as the doctor and nurses prepared mom.  I looked around and all I could think about was that mom would love that we were all together. 

We all returned to moms bedside - and we somehow just started telling mom stories.  My moms heart rate jumped up.  I touched her and said "you know we are here mom, don't you".  I have to be completely honest, I prayed in that moment that she would surprise us and come back to us.  Yet, it was just minutes and she, my mom, best friend and confidant, was gone. 

Stay Tuned...

April 2 2020

I have been working on learning how to mourn my mom's passing for more than a year.  Unfortunately, so many other things have been thrown at me during this time that I continue this struggle, however now I continue it alone.  

The blessing?  I feel my mom, every day, helping me focus.  

I have a lot to write about and so much to share.  

Maybe we can all learn from each other in these times.

I am back

Watch for me

I want to live!

I did it! 

When I originally decided to have gastric bypass surgery I made weight loss goal.  As usual, I am going to be completely honest and tell you that I NEVER thought I would actually make it to my goal. 

It isn't that I did not believe in myself.  I just did not want to get my hopes up.  I have heard so many difficult stories from people that had this surgery and seen so many that started off like a rocket only to fail that I just needed to protect myself. 

Total I am officially 1 pound under my goal.  It has been almost exactly 7 months.  I have had some very difficult months; however I am very proud.  For those who think that the surgery does all the work - dead wrong. 

I  have additional goals for myself on this journey.  I even have things in my habits I still need to correct.  It is a life long journey.  A journey I am so glad I decided to take.  I have children that I want to see have children.  I want to teach all of them what eating well and working out does for more than just your body, but you mind.  I want to live.

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