Support Someone

I fought it for years.  I remember telling myself over and over that I could do it on my own.  I even remember hearing about others doing it and thinking they could of tried harder on their own.  I truly thought it was all about will power.  There was no way that there were outside influences that created the issue.  I have learned how very wrong I was.

I literally tried for years.  I was able to lose some weight on my own by doing what I love...zumba.  It is easily my drug of choice.  Even when I was eating right and going to zumba four times a week; I quickly hit a plateau.  This plateau was no where close to the weight I wanted to be.

I should make one thing very clear.  I have never and still do not want to be "skinny", I want to be healthy.  The final straw for me was realizing how active I am and realizing I should not be this big with my lifestyle.  I want to enjoy life, live long, watch my children and (some day) grand children grow up.

It took some courage, but I decided that I would bring up the conversation with my husband.  I was scared to do so.  I have never really had any support in this area of my life.  The response I received was beyond supportive.  My husband was on board and for all the right reasons - not because he wanted me smaller or thought any less of me but because he truly saw and understood what I was feeling.  I could never of asked for a stronger supporter or better response.

So, three months ago I had gastric bypass surgery and I would like to share my experience, so far, with you.  There are ups, downs, tears, laughter and much more.  Please take what you can from my story.  At minimum, see enough to support someone else in the same situation.

Ethics...anyone?

Lack of ethics is one of the worst things I have ran across in my life.  Unfortunately, I have found a lot of it surrounding me since our move to Texas.  People doing what is best for their pocket book, not their client, their friend, their family or even their own business.  Has anyone ever heard of Karma or long term effect of such behavior?

I am not sure when I became so sensitive.  I have been told that I give 100% and that is why when someone does something so negative towards me it has a crucial effect on my heart and soul.  I tend to think that when you mess with my hard earned money that feeds and cares for my children; that is when I get angry.  Unfortunately, I am not angry - I am severely hurt.

One man took $1,000 and now the woman that saw me go through that very hell has chosen to take $2,000 from me.  I do not care if I had millions of dollars; I earned that money by working harder, smarter and faster than the others.  The clients involved have gotten their product, the individuals have received their payments, yet my pocket is empty.  You're welcome?

I feel punished, slighted and certainly discounted.  I was also accused of sending my blog to one of these individuals clients.  No, I didn't.  My blog is, however, available to the public and some of those clients may already be linked to me on social media.  You see, I build relationships with people.  I do not just charge them for undocumented time and forget they are out there.

I wish I was able to be as unethical as they are, but I would never be able to look myself in the mirror.  And, most recently, I like looking at myself...more so than before.  I want those clients to know more about the individuals they are trusting with their financial and company information.  If I were the only example of either of them cheating someone I believe it would be less bothersome,  That is not the case for either individual.

I have decided, on pure principle, that I will not let them cheat me.  Maybe this will keep them from doing it to someone else in the future.

This Isn't The End

Realizing that your strength and honesty is not enough is one of the hardest lessons to learn.  If you have been following this story you will understand more quickly, if not, it will be clear by the end of this blog spot.

Working for a man that only worries about lining his pockets and not his clients was rough enough, however after he fired me he decided to withhold my productivity bonus because his clients have not been paying him.  The bigger part of that picture is they are not paying for a reason.  He is over-billing, charging for every second they may text, call or email and not discussing additional charges before he charges them.  Any CPA or decent human has enough ethics to treat their client better than this; especially if you intend to retain that client.

So, because he treating his clients poorly, being unethical, losing client and is unable to collect his receivables I not longer deserve my productivity bonus?  It wasn't a normal bonus - I produced the work.  Not only that but with three of us in the office I produced 70% of the billable work.  At this point it isn't greed because we are only talking about $1,000, it is the principle that he can just decide not to give it to me.  Bigger than that - I have seen him do it to others.

Secondly, I provided proof of my termination to the unemployment department and because Mr. Ex-Employer was able to lie - he won that also.  Most of you know me already - I will appeal, again, not for the money because by time this is over there will be no need for it, but because it is wrong and again I have seen him do it to others.

I am in an unfamiliar place right now.  I am not angry, I am not upset - I just want justice (I hope that isn't to strong of a word).  I understand that employees sometimes cheat the system, in many ways. That is not the case here.  I repeated my story multiple times, turned over all documentation supporting the truth and still one lie from an ex-employer can sway the decision.

Bottom line is that I am not going to give up on this one.  I will continue to fight it.  I have filed a complaint with the state of Texas on the withheld bonus.  I have appealed the unemployment decision.  I have contacted other ex-employees of his that are willing to stand up and say what happened to them as well.  It is time that someone let this man know that you can't cheat people - not your employee and certainly not your clients.

Finally, the actions that bother me thee most are answering all the phone calls from his current and ex-clients.  How do they find me?  He made me put my personal cell phone on my business cards.  I have had so many questions - most I can't answer for them and I feel horrible when I can't help.  He is running a CPA office and is not a CPA.  I can't tell you how many phone calls I have gotten asking if he is a CPA and why is he misrepresenting himself.  He isn't a CPA, he is an engineer.  Then there are client that have left him and he is holding their information hostage until they pay the LARGE final bill he has generated.  They worst one?  The clients that he still has not completed the work for and it has been sitting there since, at least, my last day - Jan 11th.  I can't defend it.

This experience has given me so much insight on how I do not want to run my business.  I am glad that I waited it out; learning from this instead of letting it paralyze my forward movement.  My clients come first.  Isn't that what we are here for - to help them build their business and understand their financial situation?  Without them - I have no business.  I am grateful to those who have shown me exactly who I don't want to be and what I don't want to do.  Even a difficult experience can create a strong you.

Part 2 - My Final Days

Since my departure I have been absorbing and exploring multiple feelings.  I felt failure, anger, hurt, sadness and even regret.  Something about me - I always do the right thing...even when I truly do not want to.  I was blessed with marrying a man who is one step better than that; he always does the right thing - period.

The feeling of failure came from the independent woman inside of me.  I have always made my own money, never needed a man to support me and made decisions based on my children and their needs.  Losing my job was the last thing I wanted, needed or desired.  Although I have the complete support of my husband, I have a personal struggle with not doing my part; monetarily.  I have always had the luxury of making the decision of who I am with based purely on what makes me happy, not what I need.

My anger was deeper.  It came from the same direction, my ex-employer but for several different reasons.  An employer can retaliate against an employee, however there is nothing the employee can do about it.  An employer can dictate you ability (or lack of) to care for your own health.  An employer can withhold your productivity bonus at their discretion.  An employer can tell the Unemployment authorities any lie they want and have the higher percentage chance of being believed, even if you have documented proof.

I am not ignorant.  I am completely aware that there are people out there that abuse the system.  If I am taking the time to not only tell you the COMPLETE truth, including the information about myself I don't want to share, and I have full documentation supporting my truth - how do I win?  How do we stop employers like this from doing whatever they want?

Hurt...I strongly dislike the fact that I feel hurt over this.  It makes me feel weak.  Those of you that know me - weak is not a word I would ever want used to describe me.  I gave someone my complete trust, worked 48 hours a week, took phone calls and text until 11 pm (his bed time) every night (Sunday - Saturday), I showed up to the office on a moments notice if a client needed something (even on the weekend) and I produced more billable time in my first month than anyone else.  I gave.  I gave 100%.  In return I received poor treatment from a man that was basically throwing a fit.

Sadness is a strong emotion.  I feel like I have gone through a break up.  Not only with my ex-employer, but with all of the clients that I thoroughly enjoyed helping.  I took the time to build those business relationships - on his behalf.  I was the reason he could turn his phone off for the first vacation since he opened the business.  I am good at what I do and was punished for it.

This is where the regret set in.  I regret that it took me so long to see my ex-employer in his true light.  I regret that I didn't speak up that he was an engineer running a CPA firm.  I regret that I didn't stick up more for the small business that he was charging CPA fees for bookkeeping work.  I regret that I allowed him to change invoices to capture the cost he wanted instead of the real time fee.  I regret that I let him alter my ethics, even for the smallest period of time.  I regret that I taught him so much.  I regret that I fixed his own bookkeeping file because he could not figure it out (free of charge on my own time).  I regret that I helped him maintain a front of a business that is misrepresenting themselves.

What I don't regret?  Writing this all down.  I can't express enough how much better I felt after allowing myself to feel and expose all of my emotion during this time.  The best therapy is allowing yourself to feel, not wallow in it - just feel.

Part 1 - My Final Days

There was no way to know what would happen.  Although we constantly take risks - I knew that this one was big.  I have always done well trusting my instincts.  You know - you meet someone and instantly decide if you like them or not?  Well...that may just be me.  I don't really have any grey area.  I like someone or I don't.  I had options, I made a choice based on my instincts and felt strong, even safe in my decision.

I watched this man and how he treated not only others at my level but the clients we served.  I did not disagree with everything but I had some serious issues with how he went about relationship building.  I convinced myself that was just our difference in age, he being 20 years my elder.  I literally kept making excuses for the man.

My hardest moment was when I realized all the behaviors I watched were not limited to just those people they included me - once I did something he disliked enough.  In my case I needed three days off.  The seven months I had been working for him I could not even get to a doctors appointment because of the schedule we kept, I rarely took a lunch and when I did - I got some sort of sly comment about it.  Which again, I overlooked.  I had no PCP being that we were in a new town and could not find one with no time from 7 am - 5 pm.  I ended up going off of my medicine I had been on for years because my old PCP in Colorado would not continue to refill without seeing me, rightfully so.  My health was deteriorating quickly.  Even my boss new it was because I had ended up in the hospital 3 times.  Unfortunately, that was not his concern.

That is how I got here.  I chose to take care of me and have the surgery for my health.  I told my surgeon my confinements at work and he said the best he could do is say I need 3 days for recovery.  Even though I did not have my surgery date yet I took this information to my boss trying to be as upfront as possible.  His response to my need for 3 days?  "Only if you take your laptop".  Shocked - I paused - praying this man was joking.  That was not the case.  I went home that night and discussed it with my husband.  We decided to approach my boss with it again, both of us giving him the benefit of the doubt that perhaps he was just having an off day.  I again say that I will need to have the surgery in early February and at worst need 3 days off.  He looked me straight in the eye and said "take your laptop".

Have you ever had that panic in your body that feels like anxiety but it is more like your heart hurts?  That is what I was feeling. I didn't know if I should walk out or cry.  I opted to get through my work day and again discuss it with my husband that night.  Thank goodness my husband is so calm and level headed because I was in panic.  I needed my job, I needed my income and I loved my clients.  After much discussion and weighing what we thought to be our options we decided that I needed to give notice to my employer and take care of my health.  I hated this option, but I knew it was time that I took care of myself.  My husband, knowing how stressed this made me, started a website for me to put my mind at ease that maybe I could find some side business just so I felt I was doing my part.

I was so upset that my husband even wrote my resignation letter.  I was new to Texas, I didn't know anyone except who I worked with and for.  I was not prepared for the reaction of my employer either.  We sent my resignation and he became so upset that he terminated my employment, via email.  I should of said that in my resignation not only did we offer to help during the transition but since I only needed the 3 days I offered to help however I could remotely as long as he needed.  I promise you I did this for the clients and not for him.  In his anger he forgot about the service he needed to supply his clients and just wanted to retaliate against me.  Not only did that prove the type of man he is but it also proved he should not be running a service business.

Forgiveness

Nighttime is dark.  My mind is spinning uncontrollably.  Unable to handle my thoughts and emotions. The struggle is lonely.  Allowing yourself to feel is brave.  Sharing what is inside of you is far more - its courageous.

I'm working towards that courageous way.  I am ready to face my demons and move beyond the scars.

Surrounding myself with the right people is key.  I know I have support from my husband and my siblings.  I crave that and appreciate it more than words could ever describe.  Allowing those people in is my challenge.  After speaking with my therapist I realized just how scarred I am and how deep it goes.  I have much self exploration to do and even more forgiveness to give.

The most important thing I have learned is that forgiveness is something internal.  It does not mean I have to allow those people and thing back - it's truly abut letting it all go.

Therapy...

Therapy...

There is this horrible vision when I think of therapy because it did not help in four prior situations for me.

 - I remember going to therapy as a teen, family therapy. I don't think I truly understood why we went. What I did know is that nothing changed after the fact. I did figure out that I was an angry teen; well maybe more of an misunderstood teen. I did not understand myself much less expect anyone else to understand me. I learned that I felt my mom was absent during our childhood years. My dad never missed a game, my mom missed them all. What I realize today is that that was hurt, hurt that was born out of love for my mother.

 - As an adult I had a horrible work experience, while I was pregnant, that I still find unbelievable. I had a work associate turn against me in such a mean, negative and vindictive way. This person went as far as to make up lies to cover their "story" about me. I was slapped in the face with it when they cornered me in a conference room. I was so shocked by the betrayal of lies that I could not even find words to express myself. Imagine, me - without something to say. I went to therapy again. I even went back to the same therapist I had when I was a teen. It really helped in the understanding who I am process. I found my way but I felt it was unsuccessful because I could not understand why it all happened or why someone would do that to another person. It left me lost.

 - Again as an adult I found myself in a dark, depressing place. I never recovered from the prior experience. I ended up giving up a career I loved, a work family and my earned income status due to another's actions. I was unable to pull myself back up. My husband at the time decided that it was a choice I had made to be depressed and was less than supportive. We went to therapy. I felt blamed, shamed and again misunderstood. I was able to dig out of this one but it was purely off of my children's love and the support of some amazing friends.

 - As a final effort to save my family I agreed to couples counseling with my now ex-husband. I was sure that, at minimum, this would help his relationship with our children. I am happy to say that I found that right therapist. She heard me. From day one - she heard me. It was also the first time he showed his true colors to someone else. She was able to see and feel what we were all living through. Sadly, it did not save my marriage, but it really saved me. I have learned that I can't fix anyone else through therapy and that is not what it is for. It is for the person going there trying to make something better, more positive.

As a happily remarried woman I am trying therapy again - not for anyone other than me. Honestly, it is helping my husband also but I am the one looking to heal. So, I believe in therapy because I believe we can all benefit from a little more understanding of ourselves.