Separate

She was looking right at him but didn't recognize him.  What she saw was anger, hurt, fear and what seemed like hatred.  Was it going to be like that forever?  Would there be a time when he could look in the mirror and admit all of the realities?  It was more important to her that he forgave himself, not her.  He carries so many of their failures as his own and measures his own self worth on those failures instead of the many, many successes.  Was that the answer?  Is he upset with himself and it was coming across as hatred for her?  She spent much of her time trying to understand, in hopes that she could help his recovery and encourage his forward movement.

Her friends voices are loud in her head.  He needs to go through it his way.  She knew they understood that when you are someones wife, lover and best friend for so many years it is profoundly difficult to let go of the desire to help them.  For her, there will never be hatred.  He created and participated in some of the most important days of her life up to now.  She is walking away grateful, strong and complete; with the extreme desire to be his friend again - some day.  

The Struggle

Have you ever sat down and wondered exactly what a word really means?  I firmly believe if we did so we would speak in a different manner than we currently do.  I have been using the word struggle, struggling to define what I am currently going through; is it the right word?  Am I making a violent effort to get free?  Am I really being held in this place?  Am I fighting for the result I desire?

The answer is NO to all of the above.  In fact, I am doing the exact opposite of struggling; I have been giving in.  Giving in to others, giving in on what was suppose to be a compromise, even giving in by taking on 100% of the blame.  That is not who I am.  I am a fighter; a strong, independent woman that makes every decision for the betterment of her family.

I am not struggling.  I am advancing in a manner that supports my future and my childrens future.  I am making daily decisions that will create a positive result for my family.  I am not giving in or giving up.  I am simply picking my battles to show my children how difficult times can make us all stronger human beings.  I find struggling to be negative, as if you could lose.  I can't lose here - my children are a constant reminder that I have won.

Boundaries

Every time I think that I have it all figured out it seems that something happens to convince me otherwise.  My biggest issue?  Boundaries.  I truly need to practice what I preach on this one and perhaps even read the book again for the 5th or 6th time.

Although I don't worry what others think, anymore, I do worry about how things look to me.  Prime example this last weekend.  I know that my ex sees me as the enemy and doesn't realize half of the things I have done to help him with his relationship with his children.  I know he is positive that I feed my children their emotions.  Oh, how wrong he is.

This last week was my ex's birthday.  I, alone, took him to dinner on Thursday night after our sons football game.  He, of course, wanted our children for his birthday weekend, neither wanted to go.  My daughter, who is struggling through therapy, gave into going, however our son did not.  This is where my boundary issue came in.  I am completely aware that I do not have to do anything for him, as I am no longer his wife.  Yet, all I could imagine was him sitting alone in his house on his birthday.  My anxiety went through the roof.  Not because of my vision of his weekend but because I couldn't allow it to be like that.  So, I did it.  I invited him over to watch football, I cooked him dinner, got a cake and even got gifts from the kids to him.  Someone, very nicely pointed out, that he would never do that for me.  I don't care.  I have to do what I feel is right.  How do I balance that with the boundaries I need to maintain my sanity?  I don't have the answer, yet, but I'm working on it...