Part 2 - My Final Days

Since my departure I have been absorbing and exploring multiple feelings.  I felt failure, anger, hurt, sadness and even regret.  Something about me - I always do the right thing...even when I truly do not want to.  I was blessed with marrying a man who is one step better than that; he always does the right thing - period.

The feeling of failure came from the independent woman inside of me.  I have always made my own money, never needed a man to support me and made decisions based on my children and their needs.  Losing my job was the last thing I wanted, needed or desired.  Although I have the complete support of my husband, I have a personal struggle with not doing my part; monetarily.  I have always had the luxury of making the decision of who I am with based purely on what makes me happy, not what I need.

My anger was deeper.  It came from the same direction, my ex-employer but for several different reasons.  An employer can retaliate against an employee, however there is nothing the employee can do about it.  An employer can dictate you ability (or lack of) to care for your own health.  An employer can withhold your productivity bonus at their discretion.  An employer can tell the Unemployment authorities any lie they want and have the higher percentage chance of being believed, even if you have documented proof.

I am not ignorant.  I am completely aware that there are people out there that abuse the system.  If I am taking the time to not only tell you the COMPLETE truth, including the information about myself I don't want to share, and I have full documentation supporting my truth - how do I win?  How do we stop employers like this from doing whatever they want?

Hurt...I strongly dislike the fact that I feel hurt over this.  It makes me feel weak.  Those of you that know me - weak is not a word I would ever want used to describe me.  I gave someone my complete trust, worked 48 hours a week, took phone calls and text until 11 pm (his bed time) every night (Sunday - Saturday), I showed up to the office on a moments notice if a client needed something (even on the weekend) and I produced more billable time in my first month than anyone else.  I gave.  I gave 100%.  In return I received poor treatment from a man that was basically throwing a fit.

Sadness is a strong emotion.  I feel like I have gone through a break up.  Not only with my ex-employer, but with all of the clients that I thoroughly enjoyed helping.  I took the time to build those business relationships - on his behalf.  I was the reason he could turn his phone off for the first vacation since he opened the business.  I am good at what I do and was punished for it.

This is where the regret set in.  I regret that it took me so long to see my ex-employer in his true light.  I regret that I didn't speak up that he was an engineer running a CPA firm.  I regret that I didn't stick up more for the small business that he was charging CPA fees for bookkeeping work.  I regret that I allowed him to change invoices to capture the cost he wanted instead of the real time fee.  I regret that I let him alter my ethics, even for the smallest period of time.  I regret that I taught him so much.  I regret that I fixed his own bookkeeping file because he could not figure it out (free of charge on my own time).  I regret that I helped him maintain a front of a business that is misrepresenting themselves.

What I don't regret?  Writing this all down.  I can't express enough how much better I felt after allowing myself to feel and expose all of my emotion during this time.  The best therapy is allowing yourself to feel, not wallow in it - just feel.

Part 1 - My Final Days

There was no way to know what would happen.  Although we constantly take risks - I knew that this one was big.  I have always done well trusting my instincts.  You know - you meet someone and instantly decide if you like them or not?  Well...that may just be me.  I don't really have any grey area.  I like someone or I don't.  I had options, I made a choice based on my instincts and felt strong, even safe in my decision.

I watched this man and how he treated not only others at my level but the clients we served.  I did not disagree with everything but I had some serious issues with how he went about relationship building.  I convinced myself that was just our difference in age, he being 20 years my elder.  I literally kept making excuses for the man.

My hardest moment was when I realized all the behaviors I watched were not limited to just those people they included me - once I did something he disliked enough.  In my case I needed three days off.  The seven months I had been working for him I could not even get to a doctors appointment because of the schedule we kept, I rarely took a lunch and when I did - I got some sort of sly comment about it.  Which again, I overlooked.  I had no PCP being that we were in a new town and could not find one with no time from 7 am - 5 pm.  I ended up going off of my medicine I had been on for years because my old PCP in Colorado would not continue to refill without seeing me, rightfully so.  My health was deteriorating quickly.  Even my boss new it was because I had ended up in the hospital 3 times.  Unfortunately, that was not his concern.

That is how I got here.  I chose to take care of me and have the surgery for my health.  I told my surgeon my confinements at work and he said the best he could do is say I need 3 days for recovery.  Even though I did not have my surgery date yet I took this information to my boss trying to be as upfront as possible.  His response to my need for 3 days?  "Only if you take your laptop".  Shocked - I paused - praying this man was joking.  That was not the case.  I went home that night and discussed it with my husband.  We decided to approach my boss with it again, both of us giving him the benefit of the doubt that perhaps he was just having an off day.  I again say that I will need to have the surgery in early February and at worst need 3 days off.  He looked me straight in the eye and said "take your laptop".

Have you ever had that panic in your body that feels like anxiety but it is more like your heart hurts?  That is what I was feeling. I didn't know if I should walk out or cry.  I opted to get through my work day and again discuss it with my husband that night.  Thank goodness my husband is so calm and level headed because I was in panic.  I needed my job, I needed my income and I loved my clients.  After much discussion and weighing what we thought to be our options we decided that I needed to give notice to my employer and take care of my health.  I hated this option, but I knew it was time that I took care of myself.  My husband, knowing how stressed this made me, started a website for me to put my mind at ease that maybe I could find some side business just so I felt I was doing my part.

I was so upset that my husband even wrote my resignation letter.  I was new to Texas, I didn't know anyone except who I worked with and for.  I was not prepared for the reaction of my employer either.  We sent my resignation and he became so upset that he terminated my employment, via email.  I should of said that in my resignation not only did we offer to help during the transition but since I only needed the 3 days I offered to help however I could remotely as long as he needed.  I promise you I did this for the clients and not for him.  In his anger he forgot about the service he needed to supply his clients and just wanted to retaliate against me.  Not only did that prove the type of man he is but it also proved he should not be running a service business.

Forgiveness

Nighttime is dark.  My mind is spinning uncontrollably.  Unable to handle my thoughts and emotions. The struggle is lonely.  Allowing yourself to feel is brave.  Sharing what is inside of you is far more - its courageous.

I'm working towards that courageous way.  I am ready to face my demons and move beyond the scars.

Surrounding myself with the right people is key.  I know I have support from my husband and my siblings.  I crave that and appreciate it more than words could ever describe.  Allowing those people in is my challenge.  After speaking with my therapist I realized just how scarred I am and how deep it goes.  I have much self exploration to do and even more forgiveness to give.

The most important thing I have learned is that forgiveness is something internal.  It does not mean I have to allow those people and thing back - it's truly abut letting it all go.

Therapy...

Therapy...

There is this horrible vision when I think of therapy because it did not help in four prior situations for me.

 - I remember going to therapy as a teen, family therapy. I don't think I truly understood why we went. What I did know is that nothing changed after the fact. I did figure out that I was an angry teen; well maybe more of an misunderstood teen. I did not understand myself much less expect anyone else to understand me. I learned that I felt my mom was absent during our childhood years. My dad never missed a game, my mom missed them all. What I realize today is that that was hurt, hurt that was born out of love for my mother.

 - As an adult I had a horrible work experience, while I was pregnant, that I still find unbelievable. I had a work associate turn against me in such a mean, negative and vindictive way. This person went as far as to make up lies to cover their "story" about me. I was slapped in the face with it when they cornered me in a conference room. I was so shocked by the betrayal of lies that I could not even find words to express myself. Imagine, me - without something to say. I went to therapy again. I even went back to the same therapist I had when I was a teen. It really helped in the understanding who I am process. I found my way but I felt it was unsuccessful because I could not understand why it all happened or why someone would do that to another person. It left me lost.

 - Again as an adult I found myself in a dark, depressing place. I never recovered from the prior experience. I ended up giving up a career I loved, a work family and my earned income status due to another's actions. I was unable to pull myself back up. My husband at the time decided that it was a choice I had made to be depressed and was less than supportive. We went to therapy. I felt blamed, shamed and again misunderstood. I was able to dig out of this one but it was purely off of my children's love and the support of some amazing friends.

 - As a final effort to save my family I agreed to couples counseling with my now ex-husband. I was sure that, at minimum, this would help his relationship with our children. I am happy to say that I found that right therapist. She heard me. From day one - she heard me. It was also the first time he showed his true colors to someone else. She was able to see and feel what we were all living through. Sadly, it did not save my marriage, but it really saved me. I have learned that I can't fix anyone else through therapy and that is not what it is for. It is for the person going there trying to make something better, more positive.

As a happily remarried woman I am trying therapy again - not for anyone other than me. Honestly, it is helping my husband also but I am the one looking to heal. So, I believe in therapy because I believe we can all benefit from a little more understanding of ourselves.

Good-Bye Burden

I no longer wish to wear your burden.  I will no longer allow your view of me to affect my view of myself.  I will not let your ignorance change how I handled my life.  I did what was right, for me and my family.

I see it now.  It took a long time to come through as a clear vision.  Before all I saw was the nightmare of losing my mother.  The overwhelming feeling of being alone when your parents can so easily disregard one of their children.  Why was I shocked?  They tried it with one of my siblings before.  What I feel now is sadness.  In my mirror is my mother.  The mother I remember.

My mom was one of the most intelligent women I knew.  She was strong and independent, everything that a woman strives to be.  She had a wonderful father, close siblings, a bread winning job and the family that saw her as the hub - the center of our world.

Looking back now I understand.  She began to lose things one by one.  She lost her father, she lost some siblings and slowly her health.  She saw these things as weakness.  I say that with confidence because I was doing the same thing, feeling the same things.  I understand her desire to hold on to what she could.  I get it now.

Grateful...all I can say is - I am grateful.  I am, for lack of a better term, blessed to of witnessed this at an age where I could comprehend what was real and what wasn't.  I own my part.  I was everything she was and I was strong enough to do it and go through it alone.

I will never forget being left alone to deal with my divorce.  Being judged because I refused to speak poorly of my ex-husband.  The nights of rocking in my bed, full of anxiety, holding in all that I was going through.  I was so afraid to share my ugly.  I was trying to avoid exactly what happened anyway...people judging.

What everyone forgets while they are sitting back in judgment of others is:

• You don't live in their home
• You don't know their life
• You don't know what is true
• You don't know what is false
• You don't know their limits

I do not think that I could of done it differently.  I strongly believe I did what was right for my children.  There was no need to speak badly of their father simply for others to understand what our family was going through.  My children had their own things to heal without me joining in with the bad feelings.

It feels absolutely horrible when you are disliked for being TO strong.  I didn't cry enough, I didn't morn long enough, I didn't wait long enough, I didn't try hard enough - you simply have no idea.  The things I lost in those years could not be fixed, replaced or even glued back together.  Not because I did not want to fix it; because you can't fix something alone.

There is less than a handful of people that know me well.  Those are the people that know I cried enough, I morned enough, I waited enough and I tried harder and longer than anyone in my position ever would have.  I do not answer to you and I do not answer to them.  I answer to me and I know the amount of loss I had in the four years prior to my divorce was more than I lost in my actual divorce.

It was time to believe in me again and the first step is walking away from the one person that believed in me the least.

Better - In Every Way

He asked me to close my eyes...close my eyes and think back to when we met, it had to be almost ten years ago.  He wondered if I ever imagined that we would be where we are today.

I was married and we shared thee same best friend.  I closed my eyes and let my mind wander back to that day.  I clearly remember meeting him.  She, our shared best friend, had often talked about him and I had a definite vision of what I believed he would be like and even a vision of what I thought he would look like.  It was years later that I realized he wasn't any of those things.
 

His eyes were piercing blue and his smile was genuine.  He was comfortable and very easy to get along with.  It could not of been the easiest atmosphere to walk into.  We all had very strong personalities and sarcasm should be our middle names.  Our group was open to others but we had so many "inside jokes" and "funny sayings" that it could sometimes be hard to keep up with us and what we were talking about.

He took it all in...I don't think I ever saw him without a smile on his face.  The moment I realized I could tease him - it was on - he was part of the gang.  

The truth...I never saw him in any other capacity then a friend.  I was married, happily married at the time.  I did feel like he was someone I wanted to get to know more about.  He had a calming spirit.  We sat and watched fire works together and conversation was light, easy and fun.  He had this quiet confidence that I found refreshing.  

The thing I remember most was when he left.  I thought he was nothing like what I imagined - he was better in every way.

Live

There is absolutely zero way to win this battle.  When you try every approach and the other individuals involved refuses to look at themselves...it is the loneliest feeling in the world.  I am unable to fix it for them, they are unable to admit it needs fixing.  That is what you call a cross roads. I am so tired of trying to be better and still feeling alone in it.
Remember how it felt before?  Like you mattered, like you were loved, desired, needed, etc?  Was it all an act to capture what is?  It isn't fair.  It isn't fair to require so much understanding from me and have no thought of what you can do for yourself.
So, I sit here, alone - wondering why I am still trying to fix it.  Why am I going to give 100% to a two sided situation.  In reality - my 100% is only 50% of the issue and the resolution.  That is where I see failure.
I have always been the type to keep trying simply because failure was not an option.  Perhaps it is my old age, but I am clear that all parties need to want this to work.  I am unable to do this alone.  I do not want to spend anymore of my time praying, hoping or wishing that someone else wants it as badly as I do.
I am not OK with just getting by.  I want it all.  I want complete trust, sharing of everything and a life that exceeds all expectations.  It is not a dream - I see it - they simply need to want it too.
Problems don't go away by themselves.  People can't read minds.  Things don''t grow when they are not cared for properly.
Take a look at you.  Are you participating in life the way your family needs?  Are you giving yourself to every situation in a way that sets you up for success?  Are you taking others into consideration in thee way you handle your every day life?
Stop hiding behind what was and live.