April 2 2020

I have been working on learning how to mourn my mom's passing for more than a year.  Unfortunately, so many other things have been thrown at me during this time that I continue this struggle, however now I continue it alone.  

The blessing?  I feel my mom, every day, helping me focus.  

I have a lot to write about and so much to share.  

Maybe we can all learn from each other in these times.

I am back

Watch for me

I want to live!

I did it! 

When I originally decided to have gastric bypass surgery I made weight loss goal.  As usual, I am going to be completely honest and tell you that I NEVER thought I would actually make it to my goal. 

It isn't that I did not believe in myself.  I just did not want to get my hopes up.  I have heard so many difficult stories from people that had this surgery and seen so many that started off like a rocket only to fail that I just needed to protect myself. 

Total I am officially 1 pound under my goal.  It has been almost exactly 7 months.  I have had some very difficult months; however I am very proud.  For those who think that the surgery does all the work - dead wrong. 

I  have additional goals for myself on this journey.  I even have things in my habits I still need to correct.  It is a life long journey.  A journey I am so glad I decided to take.  I have children that I want to see have children.  I want to teach all of them what eating well and working out does for more than just your body, but you mind.  I want to live.

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THANK YOU

Reflection

The end of 2017 is staring us in the face.  Taking time to look at the last year has proven to be beneficial for me the last few years and I found myself doing it again. 

It is the end of November and we are on vacation with two of our six children.  We just left off our five year old with his mom back in Tucson.  Although we wish we could take him with us on this vacation we agreed not to disrupt his school schedule. 

Back in January of this year I was let go from a job because I needed to take two days off to have surgery.  In February I opened the doors to my new business.  In May I had gastric bypass surgery.  In July I bought a new car.  In September we went on our annual trip to Colorado.  I could list for quite some time the things we had go on this year.  My business bypassed every goal we made, by far. 

The reason I list these things is because it is a great reminder to me that those negative things that did happen to not have to control how I feel about 2017.  My oldest son has a great job, my 16 year old has his own car, girlfriend and sports, my daughter is incredibly smart and gifted and my husband has become an outstanding role model for all of us. 

I have always wanted my own business.  I never had the support to do it.  I knew I could offer something to small businesses at a price they could afford with a benefit they could measure.  I got my first e-book done and published.  I have another song recording in Nashville.  How can I hold onto any of those moments of hurt from 2017?

The biggest thing for me in 2017?  I found forgiveness.  Not only for those who have lied or hurt me, but for myself.  I will no longer blame myself for all the failures.  I have learned from them.  I refuse to let them change who I am.  I will forever help those who need it.  That is who I am.  A handful of people that lost their ethics and morals can't leave a lifetime mark on me.  I have to much to do in this life and to much to give.  I want to forever be me.

Dramatic?

As one of my personal growth goals I have been working on how I react to others and how I let them effect me.  This is quite possibly one of the hardest things I have ever worked on. 

For a person who feels like I do not make decisions based on how others feel about it, I like to form my own opinions and I even like to think that I don't try to keep up with the Jones' - people sure have the ability to hurt my feelings. 

Don't get me wrong; if I have done something to someone and perhaps don't even really like them - I can let most things go.  However, when there is someone in your life that you know what you did for them, how you treated them and how you felt about them and they purposely show anger or hatred towards me...that hurts.

I do not like to hear the "it is their problem, not yours" or "it was not their intention" because I would never do the same to them.  There is no amount of hurt that I could feel that would make me walk around with that type of anger, strife and hatred.  It is unhealthy.

I tried talking myself out of being hurt.  Using the good old fall backs like "they don't matter", "they are just childish", etc, but to be completely honest - nothing is helping.  The worst part is I feel myself pulling away from others in that circle because of the stress of it.  I have been told that the following statement is dramatic, unfortunately, it is exactly how I am feeling - my heart hurts.  I feel it weighing heavily inside of me. 

The real struggle?  Isn't walking around with this type of pain on my heart just as unhealthy as their anger and hatred?

A Safe Place for Us

At my age I would not think I had so much to learn about myself; yet it seems like every day I am finding out something new, unrealized or even different than I thought about me.  I accept that the decision I have made in my life have built what I am today.  My difficulty is the uncontrollable effects others have had on who I have become.  Allowing myself to be comfortable with the new discoveries strengthens my ability to release the negative and empower the positive. 

My challenge to you:

Daily allow yourself the freedom to recognize your characteristics.  Name one to work on, one to let go or one to embrace.

This is a safe place to share and you are worth the work.

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