I Miss You, Mom

 

I think I have read and re-read my moms obituary 47+ times in the last month.  The holidays are the most difficult time for me, when it comes to missing my mom.  My daughter and I often talk about mom/grandma - remembering what a wonderfully beautiful angel my mom was, inside and out.  I pray she is watching over us, especially during this time of year.

My mom had more love in her than anyone I have ever met.  Her ability to fully forgive amazed me.  She was so talented also.  She was an executive at work and a fully present mom at home.  Years ago we found a flaw in her...she turns every song into a country song when she sings it.  LOL  Have you every heard Air Supply sung in country twang?  I have.  Just thinking about it makes me smile.  

My mom had the most beautiful relationship with her father (my grandpa).  He, like my mom, was so giving and loving.  I do not remember a lot about my grandmother, on my moms side, but I have a very clear vision of coming through the front door at my grandparents house, seeing my grandmother in her chair in the living room, and running to her lap to play paddy cake.  Even today, remembering their home fills me with love.  

As we prepare for the week of celebration, I hope I pass even a smidge of my mothers loving spirit onto our children and grandchildren.  

Thank you for all you have taught me, shown me and allowed me to explore.  I miss you, Mom.  Everyday I wish I could pick up the phone and call you.  I love you more than I can possibly describe and wish you were here with us still.

For You, Rick

I have the best memories of and with Rick.  As a kid, and as an adult, we describe him as my dad's best friend.  That really is not true.  He was a best friend to our family.  He spent time with my dad, treated my mom like a queen and made me feel seen.

As a kid, I saw him several times a week.  You see, we grew up at the baseball park.  I remember being the back of my dad's truck as it filled up with boys on the way to baseball park.  Rick was the voice in the box.  He would announce the baseball games.  I honestly believe he is what made it more exciting to watch.  Of course, we loved every time there was a foul ball and Rick would tell us to return it to the snack bar to claim our prize (candy, hot dog - whatever).  For the longest time, to me, it felt like Rick was a celebrity.  Everyone knew him and, more importantly, liked him.

Rick spent many holiday's with us.  I remember, vividly, presents from Rick.  One year he got me Garfield pajamas.  My dad would tease me about them.  Every morning I came into the living room he would say "five" or "six", whatever number represented the amount of days he seen me in that same Garfield PJ.  Then there was the Grumpy School of Charm pajamas.  Envision Snow White's Grumpy on a PJ shirt with the Grumpy School of Charm verbiage across it.  Yep, another outfit for my dad to count.  Then, on my 18th birthday Rick gave me this beautiful gold clock that was engraved with "Happy 18th Birthday" and the date.  I still have it and always will.

I adored the relationship Rick had with his mom.  I still remember her amazing cherry pie.  Whether we went to their place or they came to ours, there was always food, laughter, and always full of sports talk as well (LOL).  Another thing I carry with me, I love to see men with strong relationships with their mother.  This was due to my respect built by Rick and his mothers relationship.  

Most importantly, Rick made me feel important.  I want to say he was more like an uncle to me, however, that does not express it well enough.  He was just...family.  We love you, Rick and you will forever be in our hearts.

To Begin, Again

 TO BEGIN, AGAIN

I have learned that it takes way more courage than I previously had to put my writing out there.  I thought it was safe to speak my own truth.  I quickly found that was not the case.  So, this time, I have decided I will brave the world and believe in me.  Although I would love to be supported, believed in and even liked - it is never why I began to write.  This time, it is for me.  

I lost my #1 fan when my mom passed away.  I still have not recovered from that day - February 27, 2019.  I have lost so much more since then.  Through it all I have found a stronger, more positive me.  I decided that I wanted to share this outlook.  We do not need to be lost in how others treat us or even how they view us.  Those that truly know me, have stuck by me through it all.  An amazing friend of mine pointed out what should have been obvious.  If someone knows you, they would know you would never hurt anyone on purpose.  

You see, my claim is not that I am perfect or even close to perfect.  My claim is - I always do what is right, even when I get the bad end of the situation.  My assumption is always that I did something wrong before I even look to another.  I support others, in any way I can.  I give where and when I can.  These are the things I learned from my mom, however, she did it with much more class and belief in others.  

It is my journey to find the best version of myself.  I share it simply for my own therapy and perhaps someone else will find a way to find themselves as well.  It is OK to struggle, but grab onto the things you can control and use it to move yourself forward.  You may lose people from time to time.  What I learned about that is... was it a positive relationship in the first place?  Be honest with yourself.  Do not allow others insecurities, negativity or even fakeness effect who you are.  A real relationship exists if you are in each others company or not.

I am stronger and I am proud to be me.

Exploring Loss

 It can't feel the same way for everyone. I feel like I would of heard about it by now.  

Depression due to loss due to back stabbing betrayal?  Is that a diagnosis?

What I do know is that I have not dealt with any loss yet.  I will be exploring these losses the next few months to see if, at minimum, it helps me move through the loss.

1. Loss of my best friend
2. Loss of my sister
3. Loss of my mother
4. Loss of my business
5. Loss of trust by those claiming to be Christians', friends and family 

Let's call those the top five.

I hope you will join me and maybe find something for yourself within my words.

Unbearable

I can't take more loss.  

I have always been the type that just barrels through, but this one, this one I can't take.  

I thought losing my mom was hard but this - this is unbearable.  

I replay it all in my head, constantly.  Is it possible that I am truly am in this alone?  Did I learn all my lessons to late?  Did I really hurt him more than he loves me?

What is more crazy is how much I have forgiven, overlooked, accepted - all because of the love I carry.

They don't teach you this in school.  I have given it all I have, spoken all my truth, apologized and acknowledged my wrongs - I am simply not worth it.

God

I am really not sure what I did to deserve this.   Everyone makes mistakes, why am I the only one never forgiven?

It's Time!

You know that place where you may be dreaming or it may really be happening but even you are not sure if you are awake or asleep?  That is where she was.  The feeling of being watched was not going away.  It was like when you need to pee but don't want to get up.  She thought someone was there but she did not want to disturb her own sleep by looking, waking up.  Finally, when she couldn't shake the feeling or fall deep back into her sleep, she opened her eyes.

There he sat, at the end of her bed, cleaning his gun.  Her first reaction was to reach over and check on her son.  He was there, he was asleep.  She was suddenly very aware of her every movement.  She took a breath, gathering her thoughts.  Not only was he cleaning his,gun at the end of her bed, but he was watching her sleep.  He had broken into her room - she always locked her door when they went to bed. 

All she could think of to say was "Is everything OK"?  He looked up from his gun - the look was so calm, yet stern.  What was he thinking?  Her heart was beating so fast.  She was to aware of her heart beat.  It was keeping her from being able to formulate a thought, keeping her from speaking.  He never answered her.  He finished cleaning his gun, put it back together, got up and left the room.  Before he closed her bedroom door he turned around, looked into her eyes and said "Good Night". 

What did he mean by that?  The look in his eyes was so calm, scary calm.  Did he no longer agree to their separation?  Was he going to hurt her again?  Was he warning her?  It was time to make a bigger move.  She knew it.