Exploring Loss

 It can't feel the same way for everyone. I feel like I would of heard about it by now.  

Depression due to loss due to back stabbing betrayal?  Is that a diagnosis?

What I do know is that I have not dealt with any loss yet.  I will be exploring these losses the next few months to see if, at minimum, it helps me move through the loss.

1. Loss of my best friend
2. Loss of my sister
3. Loss of my mother
4. Loss of my business
5. Loss of trust by those claiming to be Christians', friends and family 

Let's call those the top five.

I hope you will join me and maybe find something for yourself within my words.

Unbearable

I can't take more loss.  

I have always been the type that just barrels through, but this one, this one I can't take.  

I thought losing my mom was hard but this - this is unbearable.  

I replay it all in my head, constantly.  Is it possible that I am truly am in this alone?  Did I learn all my lessons to late?  Did I really hurt him more than he loves me?

What is more crazy is how much I have forgiven, overlooked, accepted - all because of the love I carry.

They don't teach you this in school.  I have given it all I have, spoken all my truth, apologized and acknowledged my wrongs - I am simply not worth it.

God

I am really not sure what I did to deserve this.   Everyone makes mistakes, why am I the only one never forgiven?

It's Time!

You know that place where you may be dreaming or it may really be happening but even you are not sure if you are awake or asleep?  That is where she was.  The feeling of being watched was not going away.  It was like when you need to pee but don't want to get up.  She thought someone was there but she did not want to disturb her own sleep by looking, waking up.  Finally, when she couldn't shake the feeling or fall deep back into her sleep, she opened her eyes.

There he sat, at the end of her bed, cleaning his gun.  Her first reaction was to reach over and check on her son.  He was there, he was asleep.  She was suddenly very aware of her every movement.  She took a breath, gathering her thoughts.  Not only was he cleaning his,gun at the end of her bed, but he was watching her sleep.  He had broken into her room - she always locked her door when they went to bed. 

All she could think of to say was "Is everything OK"?  He looked up from his gun - the look was so calm, yet stern.  What was he thinking?  Her heart was beating so fast.  She was to aware of her heart beat.  It was keeping her from being able to formulate a thought, keeping her from speaking.  He never answered her.  He finished cleaning his gun, put it back together, got up and left the room.  Before he closed her bedroom door he turned around, looked into her eyes and said "Good Night". 

What did he mean by that?  The look in his eyes was so calm, scary calm.  Did he no longer agree to their separation?  Was he going to hurt her again?  Was he warning her?  It was time to make a bigger move.  She knew it.

The Beginning

She already had a boyfriend; she knew there was no future with him.  They saw each other when he came into town, maybe once a month, and they spoke on the phone a couple of times a week.  He had a daughter, she had a son.  He didn't want more children, she did.  She had a career job, he was less than satisfied with his.  With all of this, she knew they weren't going to make it, but when they were together it was like hanging out with her friend, a friend that was just as sexual aroused by her as she was by him.  Chemistry, they definitely had chemistry.

A friend had mentioned finding a boyfriend online.  Now that it was becoming more serious, she was even more curious of what could possibly be found online. 

That evening she found herself looking at the online dating site.  The same site that her friend had spoken of.  Why was she feeling so guilty for just looking?  Slowly she creates a profile and begins to look through the photos and profiles.  She found herself talking to herself out loud.  A little "No", "Maybe", even some smiles and laughs.  A few hours later, still looking through all of these potential dates she came across one that caught her eye just from the picture and headline.  Honestly, there was not anything specific or extra - it was just calling to her.   

She clicked on the profile; she found herself smiling the entire time she was reading the profile.  This guy seemed mature, straight forward and nice.  Is it possible to feel those things simply from someones words?  He spoke of the three C's - Caring, Compassion and Compromise.  Was it that easy?  She must of read it ten more times before she finally had the courage to respond.  Was she really doing this?  Replying to an online dating profile?  She was and it was just the beginning.

Believe It!

I feel like I have been hiding.  Hiding who I am, what I deserve, what I need, how I feel and how much I have to offer.  I didn't make a decision to hide, it just happened.  I keep falling back to a line from the movie Pretty Woman.  

 Vivian : People put you down enough, you start to believe it. ... Vivian : The bad stuff is easier to believe.

I fell into this trap. I am not sure how it happened.  I believe I am very strong.  I was so busy accepting who everyone else is I forgot that whoever I was - was good enough.  You know how people bring their past into the present?  Old relationships, childhood trauma, etc.  Oddly, even if we accept someone for all they are; it does not automatically open them up to accepting all of you.  They can make mistakes, react to you poorly due to old trauma and they can even close off to you completely; yet you, you are to be perfect, all the time.  
Do you know what trying to be perfect causes?  More and more build up.

At some point we all have to analyze the relationships in our lives.  Does the relationship go both ways?  Do you need the relationship?  Is this relationship part of our support system?  Is this relationship conducive to living the positive life we crave?  

Granted - it isn't as cut and dry as some of the answers to these questions, but it can begin the internal conversations you may need to have.  

I hurt, every day, I hurt.  What I am learning about my past self is that I love hard.  What I am learning about my current self is that I deserve the same in return.  What I will no longer tolerate is anyone putting me down to build themselves up.  We are all worthy of happiness, we just need to take control of our own lives.

Trusting Me

I put a lot of pressure on myself my entire life.  I remember asking my mom why she never got on me for my grades in high school.  They were not bad, I just know I could of done better.  My mom told me that I was always harder on myself than they, my parents, could ever be.

My dad once told me that the day I found I was pregnant, the first time, I grew up.  Keep in mind I was 18 and in college.  I had seen others my age get pregnant prior to me, I just wanted more - for me and my child.

My parents proved to me over and over again that they had so much faith in me and my decision making.  When my oldest sons father went to my father to ask for permission to marry me, my dad said "what did Yvonne say"?  That is the ultimate compliment that my dad believed in me.

All of these things make me so grateful to both of my parents.

All of this to say; that it is time that I start trusting myself.  I may make mistakes, but I always do the right thing.  So, I am going to move forward with faith in myself.