Stay Calm

Her eyes opened slowly.  It was Saturday, which would usually be worth a smile on its own.  Today, however, was a day she never imagined happening.  She often heard people using the phrase "worst day ever" and wondered if today was that day for her.  

They had been putting off working on this for weeks.  Someone was to busy, the weather was bad, someone sick, whatever.  Today is the day.  There is no putting it off any longer.  

Needing coffee was an understatement.  Sleep escaped her last night.  How was he going to handle it? Would they agree?  Would they argue?  Would she break?  Was all of her work enough to pease him? Does he even realize this is difficult on her also?  Regardless, it would not be a fun meeting.  If they could just agree on the details to move things forward.  

As the meeting time came closer anxiety was building inside of her.  How to stay calm?  He would read her weakness immeditately when he saw her.  How could she stand in front of him and seem strong and harmless at once?  

She heard the door.  Her heart felt like it was going to pound out of her chest.  Her breathing changed, her head filled with worry and fear.  It was time...

Nightmares

Throughout my adulthood I have struggled with remembering my dreams.  Oddly, it only bothers me when they are more of a nightmare.  I will remember enough to know that I am upset, sad, angry, whatever but not any true detail.  I have tried all types of dream remembering methods, it just has not worked for me.  I bet you are wondering why it matters.  Let me tell you why:

When I have a nightmare I will wake up feeling however that dream made me feel.  I will even feel anger towards anyone that may of hurt me in the dream.  I can't figure out why and I have a really tough time shaking the emotion part of it.

Last night was one of those nights.  Believe it or not, I actually remember parts of the dream.  I woke up feeling hurt, sad, betrayed even.  I have spent the better part of today trying to "get over it".  In this case I am completely aware of what the dream was about and understand it is not true, yet I am unable to squash these downer emotions.

What I don't believe...is that there is something true to the dream, that I am insecure about this specific relationship or that I am scared when it comes to this relationship.  What triggers these type of dreams?  Is it simply the unknown?  Maybe I'm onto something here.  I am, after all, a control freak.  Perhaps those things out of my control or even out of my vision are weighing on me?  I'm feeling this idea.  It makes sense in my head at least.

What to do now?  I am aready feeling better.  Is understanding why I have these dreams half the battle?  Because I am already thinking more positively about the whole thing.  Here I thought there was some deep emotional issue.  I guess I am not as complex as I thought...

The Answer

I admit, I thought doing everything on my own would be more difficult.  My children reminded me that even before the change I did everything I'm doing now; cooking dinner, taking kids to school, going to games, getting them hair cuts, homework, grocery shopping, working a full time job, etc.  So, what was I afraid of? 

The answer:  being and feeling alone. 

From the moment I made the decision to make a change my friends have rallied beside me.  From check in text to not letting me hide out, they have made sure that I knew I am loved and certainly not alone. 

You see....I am not that girl that needs everyone to agree with what I'm doing.   They don't live in my home, they do not sleep in my bed and they surely don't pay my bills.  I take ownership of my choices.  I can support those decisions when my children ask me.  I regret nothing.

I go home after work to my three children that get along better than they have in months, that laugh together and tell each other they love the other (yes, out loud). 

Don't get me wrong...my children are feeling the effects from this change but they have built stronger relationships with each other through it all. 

The best part?  I get even more one on one time with each of them.  I cherish every moments.  I may squirm a little because all three of my kids tell me EVERYTHING, but I wouldn't give it up for anything.